I left a vm for H asking if he would be able to pick up S from daycare tomorrow night.
H calls back we chatted for a bit and H asks me what I wanted. I said didn't you get my vm and H says yes and that I only called him when I wanted something. I said that's not true. H says "oh pretty much" then says "you and B(his brother). B called me yesterday and I didn't call him back, called back again today and H said he answered the phone: "what do you want?" H's brother for the most part does only call when he wants something. There is a 5 year age different and for some reason they've never been close and it bothers H. So maybe he was taking the "call" out on me, whatever.
Then H goes on to say that he's always watching S, that I'm always busy, that he doesn't have any time for himself. That he spent most of the day Saturday with S and blah, blah..I reminded him he was drinking for three hours, also.
I said I'm sorry you feel that way, that I have to work at these events is part of my job, it's in my description. I would have to get another job if I wanted to be "at his beck and call" I didn't say that, but I think H would really like it if I devoted myself to H.
I said well I'll be home tonight and Thursday night and H then made a comment about being gone Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights. That I have plans Friday night and Saturday. H knows what I'm going and I told him I wished he would come with. H then says something like "well what's your theory on why I don't want to go" I said "you're not comfortable, and that I hoped someday he would be, that I wasn't going to make him go, it was his decision. H didn't tell me why either, the converation moved right away to I'll do something with S Friday night so that you can go out to eat after graduation. Wouldn't you have a better time without S there, it'd cost less money and S wouldn't eat anything anyways..WHAT THE so he's now going to be with S Friday night while I go to graduation and to eat...what the...yes this is my H.
I'm so stunned I just say "thank you" and H says "bye" and we hang up.
So I go do my shopping, which is were I was during our conversation, the parking lot of the grocery store.
Get in the car and call H back, he doesnt answer so I leave a VM. I say H, I have something else I want you to do for me. I want you to do something with ME once in awhile, that's what I'd like more than anything. Have a good day, I love you.
H says I only CALL when I want something, can justify his actions because "one of us (ME/OW) won't give in?"
Yet H thinks it's okay to not CALL, come home, that HE IS a father, that it's okay to go to OW's for whatever sad reason OW may have to get him there or that H is just weak and ends up at OW's on his own?
My H is a selfish, judgmental man. Passes judgment on his S20, me, his family. His friends, the one's who are having marital problems. H is wondering why they don't just get a D?
I'm reading my bible, praying and the pages that I open up to are so appropriate for right now.
H has the nerve to call me a "bad" mom for some silly thing I didn't do and calls me an "idiot" in the presence of our S4. I don't know how much longer I can keep silent, how much more I can endure. I feel that H should be accountable for his actions, for NOT calling, coming home tonight.
Yet H sees nothing wrong with what he does, what he says, how he treats people. That he has a drinking problem?
Things have been getting better or maybe I'm being deceived since I have no idea what contact H does have with OW or to what extent. Then Satan comes along and stirs things up.
I'm sure this will all look/feel different in the light of day.
Oh Cathy - I wish there was something that will make this transition easier. The overnight rule has served me well before too. Sending you strength, and a big hug. Slowly.
You know it's just Satan trying to trip you up. He's a sneaky weasel, worming his way into our minds. I don't think now is the time to hold your H accountable. More than likely there will be plenty of time for that because you ARE heading in the right direction.
As I've told you before, Cathy, you rock You are a big inspiration to many of us on the board.
BTW, I e-mailed you last nite.
Mary
"God, help me keep my head up, my heart open, and know I'll always be guided along the path."
I know this has been a hard time for you. And it is hard to resist the temptation to "blow".
We both know your H loves to push your buttons, but hang in there and keep validating, showing some patience. I wish I could give you a big {{{{hug}}}}.
You are truely an inspiration to all of us here! But the Lord is there for you and your faith will get you through this. Satan will pull out all the stops here. But you are doing a wonderful job of ignoring him.
Your H is just acting like a teenager; being selfish and playing his games. When your H says he goes to the OW, are you sure he actually does? Or is he just trying to stir you up? The best thing is to do what you have been doing.
Pray, validate and show utter patience. Go back through your threads and find that there are many times that your H has shown baby steps, times when the patience has paid off.
Don't dwell on the bad times, just vent here and move forward. List the baby steps and there have been many! And keep going back and read them.
Your H is just slow and this all will take awhile. Your H's biggest step was to come back home. I think you need to remember that he lives at your house now, not the OP's. Your H knows deep down what he is doing is wrong, but the OP is just an affair, affairs are not meant to stand the test of time.
Your H is on a rollercoaster, he is confused and messed up. Keep showing him that you will be the right choice. I don't know if he will ever grow-up, but he will hopefully get through his MLC, at least I hope he will.
Hi Deb, Mary..thanks for stopping by..maybe we should all mark our calendars, seems like the schedule is every two weeks, so that everyone can remind me that H won't be home about now..ya know..
Quote: I don't know if he will ever grow-up, but he will hopefully get through his MLC, at least I hope he will.
The man is going to be 50 years old at the end of the year and he is acting like a teenager. I'm hoping HE will grow up someday.
I have no idea where he goes, what triggers H or why, well Satan has a big hand in this and this morning I warned him off again!
Things do look so much better in the light of day. Last night was a rough night for me, not much sleep.
Nightime is when the evil ones are at play, the cowards, the lowlife's, Satan, it's Satan's opportunity to play mind games. During the day I'm soo much better, feel like I CAN and WILL handle anything.
Quote: Pray, validate and show utter patience. Go back through your threads and find that there are many times that your H has shown baby steps, times when the patience has paid off.
Don't dwell on the bad times, just vent here and move forward. List the baby steps and there have been many! And keep going back and read them.
Deb, this is a great idea, list the baby steps. I WILL work on this.
There are so many good things, many small changes in H, that H should be commended for, yet one bad night, one step backward and it becomes bigger than all the baby steps, all the good things.
AND, it should NOT be BIGGER! .
H fell off the "wagon" and that's all that happened. Just as I fall off the "wagon" once in awhile so does H. We all make mistakes, we all do things we wished we wouldn't have. I know for me, once I realized and accepted the consequences of my actions, really felt the feelings and got sick and tired of the feelings..was when I was able to make the change..whatever they were.
H isn't there yet. He's still feeling comfortable in the pit.
"Utter Patience" I like that Deb...maybe it should be my new screen name "Utter" (laughing out loud right now)
I hope you were able to get some rest last night and that you just gave it all up to Him.
Deb is right: going back to find a pattern and writing down babysteps can be very useful in showing you the progress you've made. I do this often. I also keep a little journal of with dates and positive interaction to try and figure out what works. You, however, have the added challenge of the drinking problem but you can still find some sort of pattern.
I know how disheartening it is to have them fall of the wagon and start what seems to be an endless cycle. My brother, who had not had a drink in over a year, also fell off the wagon a couple of weeks ago. I was angry, disappointed, etc.....but I actually know what triggered it. His wife does too and is keeping an eye on him. I'm not saying that we could have prevented it, but seeing the pattern and knowing the triggers brings some sort of, I don't know.....false sense of control, I guess....a sense of understanding and compassion...a sense of sympathy for what he must be going through. I don't know if I making sense here.
I'm rambling so I'll stop. I hope you have a good day Cathy. What nice thing will you do for yourself today? go to the driving range perhaps?
I like your new name - Utter! Because I am the queen of patience, I can bestow that your are "Cathy, the Duchess of Utter" from now on. That makes you royalty in the land of patience.
Regarding your H falling off the wagon, I like what Minnie said about the trigger concept. If you can identify the trigger and help avoid it in the future, he is less likely to do it again.
This is exactly what we teach in smoking cessation classes. And we go a step further in that we have people have at least 2 or 3 things they will do instead of smoke (or drink) should they encounter that trigger again. Because if you are caught off-guard, you are more likely to falter than if you have a plan.
I think that men have a cycle too - only instead of PMS we should call it - MMS for "male madness syndrome". It could be when they seemingly go mad, make us mad, are mad but don't say anything, etc, etc. Good idea? Sorry guys on here!
I hope that you are able to relieve a little tension by hitting a bucket of balls. I know that would help me once in a while, but they just closed the nearest driving range - another one bites the dust to development! Oh well, we have more golf course per capita than any other state I think.
Have a great day!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
so he's now going to be with S Friday night while I go to graduation and to eat...what the...yes this is my H.
