Good Morning to all my Dbing friends and thank you all for the birthday wishes. It was a great birthday, even though my H didn't get me a card or a gift! Although, I was a bit sad to be honest.

Had a great day on Saturday. Took son to dozer days, a local company has an open house where you can bring your kids to ride on construction equipment.

H was supposed to be done with work at 2:30, I called him when we got to Dozer days, he was at the local bowling alley drinking, was done with work at noon. When I got to the bowling alley H and few other guys were there and H was well on his way.

Stayed there for a bit, then took off for the festival we were going to next. H gets so obnoxious when he's been drinking, he wasn't all that bad, but gets mad about the littlest things. He's nice as can be with his friends and then with me, he's awful.

While at the festival we ran into a guy H used to work with who is dating a friend of OW's, who also hangs out at H's bar. I haven't seen in her in awhile, but she looked great. She broke up with a freind of H's (who also is regular at H's bar) becuase he didn't want to get married and sat in the bar all the time. This other guy is pretty much a drunk too, but he has money. It's so sad these guys are so nice when they are sober, are such hard workers but yet feel the need for alcohol.

Took S on some rides and then let him play at the playground for a bit. H says to me I see someone I know, he works with OW. I could the see the guy looking at H, looking at me, with a kind of puzzled/hesitant look on his face. I then had to go by S and saw the guy heading over to talk with H. I stayed with our S, thinking is this my life now, my H had this other life with OW, involving her people and now there's crossover and why am I the one who's uncomfortable. I told S we had to go and started heading over toward H. I could see this other guys little girl by him and he was starting to walk away, he said bye to my H and gave me an awkward wave, with his eyes down and we all parted ways.

Once H's alcohol buzz started fading he was much nicer, his emotions are a lot closer to the surface. We were talking about an incident that happened earlier with my niece and a co-worker of H's and I could hear the hurt in H's voice. I told my H that my nieces have a harder time with this, they see everything more black and white and for the most part are more judgmental. In my opinion it's becuase they have experienced life yet.

He also mentioned a friend of his from the old days,who he's know for a long time who wouldn't talk to him, was mad at H. I asked H why and he wouldn't say..in thinking about it later I can probably guess.

H was in his Sunday mood yesterday, didn't know what to do with himself. Was going to get up early and go fishing, fidgeted around the house for awhile, asked me what I was doing, did I want to go fishing. I said I would, but I really don't want to be out there all day and have a few things I needed to do yesterday. Then H decided he needed suntan lotion, we went to get that and had lunch while we were out.

So S and I hung out yesterday. I finished planting my flowers, did some laundry, took S to the park, relaxed mainly.

H got home early evening. I asked him if he wanted something to eat and he made some smart remark like "you mean around here?" basically a dig. I had made dinner for S and I and kept H's warm in the oven which I pulled out for H. Didn't say a word. Was outside came back in and S was wiping up the floor. I said did he spill something and H said "no he's cleaning up the spots on the floor that you mom can't seem to do." I looked at H and said you sure are critical (H has never cleaned the floor). H then added "and I can't either becuase I have bad knees." I'm thinking maybe I should have son start cleaning my floors, he might like doing it and since him and H are the ones that make the messes why not.

So today, my thoughts and feelings are all over the board. At one point on Saturday I was sitting by H as he was talking to his friend thinking I do not want this for my life, H drinking all the time, his drinking buddies...it's a world I wish I wasn't a part of, maybe because it's H and OW's world.

I was also thinking about everything's that's happened in the last year. The madness of it all. That H is back home and why did we have to go through everything if we are back together? Now, there's this additional baggage to deal with, the baggage of H's affair and H/OW's world.

I remember telling H shortly after he moved in with OW, that if he was confused, didn't know what he wanted to just take some time, go away, but not to get involved with someone else and mess their life up.

I am struggling with things today, I feel unbalanced, and I can't quite put a finger on what it is I'm feeling today. Well, to be honest I'm feeling a little crabby. Maybe it's the weekend and just letting it all sink it, I don't know.

I'll keep praying.

Cathy