Quote: Lefty, Your h will not crash until he's pretty much done with replay and he hits the real bad depression and withdrawal. He is still very much in the beginning stages of replay, what with his taunting you with talk of you divorcing him and him staying at ow's at times.
Please really read Deb's quote. This is really, really the time when he needs space and to make ALL choices on his own. Too much pressure, especially relationship talks, will send him to the ow and I know you don't want that. I'm also going to disagree with what vinlad has said at this time regarding telling him you love him unconditionally and God's love, etc. If you read in the book Men in Midlife Crisis by Jim Conway, a minister himself, he clearly states that many men during mlc turn their backs on God. IT's unfortunate, but true. There will come a time when you can discuss your faith and what God is doing in your life, but it's too soon to share.
How come I don't feel that H is in the beginning stage of Replay? H has been like this since I met him, so why because he's talking about D, etc. does it mean he's just beginning Replay? He's been drinking/with OW since last January 2003 so was that not the beginning of replay? Was drinking very heavily at that time and up until he oved back home in January was still drinking that much. Now since he's been back home he's slowed down on the drinking, is still in contact with OW. I am seeing small little changes in H, they are noticeable to me, but maybe not when I post. So yes, I believe he is in Replay, but I have hard time believing it's just the beginning of it.
I've been taking my focus off the stages as I realize they are a guide, etc., but that if he's just beginning Replay he could be at it for another year or two? So from January of last year till now, what stage was that if not the beginning of Replay? Cathy
You know, the whole MLC thing has me confused. Was my H having one? Probably. Could I figure out the stages if I wanted to? Doubtful. So I chucked the stages and just went on instinct.
That book that Sting mentioned sounds good though - I may have to check it out. I really can't afford any more books but will try the library.
Sneak in your golf today because I think we are supposed to have more t-storms tomorrow and Sunday - bummer!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
It is a very good book, and it helped me to see that I was going through my Midlife Crisis as well.
There is a section that specifically talks about women in their MLC, and I swear he new exactly everything that I had felt and everything that I had went through. Other than there was never OM.
I tried to find the book in the Library, but didn't have much luck here, but you might find it where you are. He uses his own experience and then David's experience with Bethsheba.
What I also learned is that most of the people who are going through MLC are going through more then one stage at a time. Even according to what he wrote about withdrawal, they will go back and forth into all the stages until they have dealt with all of their issues and closed the door on them. I think that he said that they can go as far back as anger. As each issue is faced, a door gets closed and they can not go back to that stage.
Read through your last post again and believe it or not this was the conclusion I came to last night. I can be there to answer H's questions, to be his friend and not preach at him either, just help him along the way. I'll have to go back and reread Betsey's threads. I did read them not to long ago and see progress in her H, that he is now looking at himself so bravo.
Since my H and I have been "cycling" I beleive is the term, a new approach might be needed. I feel more detached than I ever have so maybe I'm ready.
I dug out H's shorts a week ago and they've been on the floor ever since. Last night I asked him if he wanted to move some of his sweaters out of one of his drawers so I cut put the shorts there. H said leave them where they are in case I have to MOVE. I pointed at the drawers that were full and said what about that stuff, you'll have to move that and then said I'm putting them away anyway. The evening proceeded on...
H is heading up north for the weekend fishing and I'll be here having a good time.
Yes, that is what I was trying to get at. He is asking questions and concerns. You can't give him the answers to what he is supposed to do, but you can answer the questions just like you would for a friend or even a teenager.
That is what your husband is, a teenager. Searching things out and trying to find out things, but yet rebelling at the same time.
