I think I've had a major introspective breakthrough that has cleared up much of my confusion. My husband does loves me, he doesn't find me physically repulsive. The problem is my husband doesn't LIKE me!
This is partly due to his nature. He has a tendency towards depression and is quite misanthropic. There are a whole lot of people he likes even less than me. Sometimes he doesn't even like himself.
It is partly due to my nature. I am not always the most likable person. When I was reading CaDad's post the other day he described his wife as sweet. This is about the last word you could use to describe me. Cross off gentle, quiet, modest, restrained and sympathetic too. I am a good person and even a nice one, but I can't always express myself in some conventional ways my husband might prefer.
This theory explains so much. My H doesn't want to "come out and play" with me sexually because he just doesn't feel very friendly towards me much of the time and he's not HD enough to have sex with me when that is true. This is why I feel so uneasy around him much of the time. It's like I'm having to chant internal mantras like "Be nice. Be nice" or "Don't be a pest. Be cool" because I can sense my unpopularity with him. This is why he shuts me out conversationally and recreationally as well as sexually sometimes. This theory also explains why I've often been jealous of his male friends. It also explains why sometimes he uses porn rather than approaching me.
So where in Schnarchville do I go with this revelation. Clearly, my fusion issue with my H isn't so much "Love me,love me" or "Want me, Want me" but "Like me, Like me. Be my friend and come out to play!". So my differentiation exercise would be to become strong in my belief that I am likable? What are my integrity issues regarding this? How much of my personality am I willing or even capable of changing to be more likable?
I think I must be on to something with this theory because I suddenly have a real sense of relief, like I'm not just spinning my wheels anymore.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
