Quote: The truly hard part was getting him to see what he was doing to himself, me, and our relationship. I hate to put it this way...but he truly was "clueless" until that lightbulb came on.
That's the trick I've been struggling with for years: how to get the lightbulb to come on. I've told her both in words and in actions that I'm not happy with the sitch. But I don't think she's made the leap from knowing to understanding (if that makes any sense). At least I hope that's the case. The only other alternative is that she knows and understands, but just doesn't care.
Your small steps are encouraging. You may never actually get where you want to be, but it must help a little to know that he's making an effort.
You're right...knowing and understanding are two completely different things. Getting that lightbulb to come on is very difficult. For me..I'm convinced it wouldn't have been possible without counseling. I could have asked the same questions the same way...but he wouldn't have responded the same way to me. No matter what I'd have said he'd have assumed the defensive position...which he did in counseling as well...until key to our problem came flying out of his own mouth before he realized...the anvil on the head followed shortly thereafter :-)
The problem I had as an LD..and I'm sure many LD's (including my LDH) is that you feel attacked. Not physically mind you...and not even mentally...but it feels like a personal attack that someone wants more of you than you think you can give...that means there's something wrong with you....I'm defective? That starts the defensive position of...you're the one with the problem! It did with me anyway. Naturally I had many other problems that contributed to that defensive posture...it was so much easier to think that my H was abnormally HD than I was LD...are you kidding? I'm not perfect?! :-)
Apparently "My mother raised me better" applies to anything that she is unsure of or doesn't fit n her LD world. She has a pretty narrow view of acceptab;e bedroom behavior while I am experimental (that may be an understatement). She thinks that I might be going through a MLC - a possibility. However, my desires and needs have not really changed, just the amount of fulfillment I get. I don't think this is an MLC, but self analysis is more often wrong than right! After all if you don't have a biased opinion about yourself; Well - you should have a biased opinion about yourself! I have so far refused to be a WAH, but it is looking better every day. Then there is the problem of our 1 year old son with medical needs. So even if I have to roast on a slow flame for years - I am here
Jeff
"As soon as somebody falls in love, all the wits seem to dribble out the bottom of his head." Garion from Castle of Wizardry. And Jeff is obviously in love.
Jeff...ok, that helps a bit. I thought that perhaps her mother literally had directed her towards what was proper and what was not, generationally speaking. So she's simply using that phrase as a safety umbrella...that would be so frustrating. (just smacked my punching clown for you).
Have you asked her what her "ideal" marriage includes? I'm just curious in her mind what that would include...if you haven't asked that question...do you think she'd honestly answer it?
Very curious, what is the ideal marriage anyway? Especially from a LD perspective. ND perspective would be even more enlightening.
I personally can not see how any marriage without great sex and affection can be described as "Great". And why would anyonw want anything less then a great marraige.
That's precicely why I brought up asking the LDW what her ideal is...the ideal can be different from person to person. I'll admit when I was LD sex really didn't come into the picture of my "ideal" at all. It's been so long now for me that I really don't recall what my "ideal" was specifically...if it comes to mind again though I'll be sure to share it.
Okay - I have gotten her to fill out a personal inventory in the His Needs Her Needs book. Sexual fulfillment doesn't rank in her top 5 emotional needs. She knows that it ranks as my greatest emotional need. I think that is the reason why she actually gave me sex on the 4th! She said after that I looked stressed out so she initiated. It wasn't really satisfying - but I did my best to act pleased to reinforce the desired behavior. I know it is good when she is thinking of my needs - but I need to be desired, not given sympathy sex. The only thing worse than sympathy sex (in my mind at least) is obligation sex. However, it is a close call.
Anyway - her ideals are 1)admiration 2)honesty and openess 3)affection 4)family commitment and 5)domestic support
1) I admire her and everything that she does for this family greatly. I must not be expressing it in a way that she understands clearly - mopre work needed here 2) Honesty and Openess is something I need to work on. When ever I open up about my desires and feelings, but especially desires she reacts poorly. I need to find a way to communicate these things in a way that is less upsetting to her. I have always been very straight forward. Tact is not my strongest feature. Working on this too, but kinda feel like a blind man in a noisy room. 3) Affection is something that I am getting better at. I have finally learned the difference between my affection and her affection - Now if only the budget will support her need for affection. 4) Family Commitment is something that I get no complaints about - ever. 5) Domestic support is kinda dicey some times. I am just trying to find the ideal balance betwen her need for the appearance of cleanliness, my idea of cleanliness, her decorating sense(?), and my anal retentive need for organization.
I think things are getting better, but I am still sexually frustrated LOL. However, that may just be my nature!
Jeff
"As soon as somebody falls in love, all the wits seem to dribble out the bottom of his head." Garion from Castle of Wizardry. And Jeff is obviously in love.
I think I can pretty honestely say that back when I was LD that sex was nowhere in my top 10 either...although it's been quite some time...so it's really hard for me to even recall what I thought my ideal marriage included back then.
One way to look at her gesture of initating this past weekend is this...you may have felt that it was mercy sex, and it may genuinely have felt that way (I'm not minimalizing that)...but what she did was a giving/loving gesture. It may not have been your "ideal" ML session...but what she did was at least with you in mind.
Hope that puts a bit more of a positive spin to it for you
