I often wonder if these calendars are a good thing or a bad thing. When things were good it was a way to remind me of how good it was . . . . now its just the opposite.
And I avoid at all cost actually quoting stats to my wife. It just seems to me that it would be viewed as a ploy to "prove them wrong" which would serve only to drive the wedge deeper and make them more resentful. Although I have on more than a few occasions contemplated pulling them out and firing away. Maybe that'll be part of my "180" . . . . keeping it to myself doesn't seem to be doing anything =)
I keep one only for my info. If the wife new, she probably would not be happy, to much pressure, then would start thinking in terms of scheduling sex. I don't want sex if it is only to meet a schedule, I only want it if she desires it, which of course is never. Then unfortunately I fall prey to my own desire and I tap her on the shoulder enough times until it happens, and then I dislike myself for having to initiate again.
That's what got me started writing it down too - it was for me. Actually, it was just the opposite effect from the way I described the LD spouse. Their needs are being met, so they can't believe it's been that long; MY needs aren't being met, so it seems like a looooong time to me. I really started keeping a calendar just to verify to myself that I wasn't blowing things out of proportion. I was asking myself if it was REALLY a month since I even got a HJ or am I just feeling horny and it SEEMS like a month.
The only reason I hauled it out was that W wouldn't budge from her position that we had sex "a lot more often than that" when I told the C about our frequency. W insisted that her version was correct, but I KNEW mine was.
I keep one, in the form of a "journal" of sorts. It started out as more of a rant journal, then I got tired of doing that, so I just dig it out when we ML. I don't have to dig very often.
Hairdog - wondering when the PT-141 spam emails will start.
I don't keep a calendar but I keep track of it in my head. Although I do it MUCH less than I used to. I think I will be officially 'healed' of this SSM stuff when I no longer do that!
I used to make a mental note, such as "This is the first week of February" and then the next time we ML I would think, "This is the last week of April". I never actually marked it down on the calendar but I kept track that way. I still keep track of it mentally but thank GOODNESS it is on a weekly basis now. I started doing that when H agreed to twice weekly and then was not realizing that we weren't meeting that. It was at that point that I had to inform him that if we were to ML twice a week then not more than 3 days can go by without us meeting our goal. (all you math people out there will be able to shoot holes in that statement but fortunately H couldn't) Basically what I think he wanted to do was to take the week off and only ML on the weekends which was really not what I had in mind.
I wanted to incorporate ML as part of the fabric of our lives, not solely as a quota or something to fit in whenever time permitted. So for us, incorporating the 3 day rule has worked pretty good. Note that there are TONS of weeks where we go longer than 3 days, but it was necessary in the beginning when we were getting things back on track. Now I know (and he knows) that if we have a week where we don't ML twice that the next week will be fine. There was a time when I didn't trust him as far as I could throw him and so I held him strictly to the 3 day rule. (sounds romantic huh!) I don't know how he put up with me half the time.
So I guess it is a part of being HD...remembering with remarkable accuracy the last time you ML. Just like I am sure that my H could tell you the exact date that he last changed the oil in the car.
I keep a calander too. However, she doesn't know and I feel that it would just push her further away to tell her about my record keeping. April 12! I am not pushing for or instigating sex since I am so sick of rejection. I am however, trying to work on our relationship in every way non-sexual. I am just curious to see how long it is until she realizes that I have a penis - since she knows that sex and a healthy sexual relationship is my greatest emotional need. I know that she thinks that we play often enough and she feels that it is a healthy amount of sex. She also knows that I am unhapy with the frequency and quality of our play! The situation demands that I stay and work on it even though I want to run screaming (and naked) from the whole ordeal!
"As soon as somebody falls in love, all the wits seem to dribble out the bottom of his head." Garion from Castle of Wizardry. And Jeff is obviously in love.
I too am fairly newlywed...we just had one one year anniversary, and have been together two and a half. I know how that rejection feels and it SUCKS! to be blunt. I got to the point recently where I felt like if I initiated sex one more time and was rejected/ignored I would simply explode or melt into a weeping mass of goo on the floor out of despair. My ego simply could not take it anymore so I emphatically decided...no more initiations!!! It didn't work for me though...when I didn't initiate and life kept going on my LDH figured everything was ok (even though I have explained time and time again that I need physical affection/attention, i.e. ML). It became a vicious cycle...If I brought it up, I was nagging...if I initiated, it was pressure...if I did nothing, he did nothing and thought everything was hunky dory.
Have you picked up a copy of SSM? When I first discovered this site I was in COMPLETE despair, I knew my marriage was heading towards Splitsville. My husband kept telling me how much he loved me, but by his actions I would never have known.
We are finally headed on the right track...no, we're not boinking like bunnies (yet) in fact we rarely do that at all...but he's working on it...we're working on it. But to get us to this point it took me facing my fears of conflict and telling my husband point blank that we had to do something because I would not live the rest of my life celibate. I know some people can somehow manage to do that when other parts of their relationship are really great, but I simply cannot, I'm very much a sexual being.
Anyway...now that I've already made this far too long I purchased the SSM book, read it thoroughly (3 times) and highlited the portions of it that really hit home with me. Fortunately my husband is fairly open minded so I was then able to ask him to read the book (he hates to read, so getting him to do this was a real accomplishment) and asked him to highlite what he connected with as well...if anything. I had no idea if he was even reading the book, he never said a word to me about it...but eventually (about a month and a half later...slow reader ) he brought it back as I had asked...with notes in it and agreed to attend counseling with me.
Anyway...I may have lost my point here...but for me not initiating sex didn't work...it only frustrated me more, causing even more resentment. Now that he's attending counseling we're discovering underlying reasons why he never initiates, or thinks about sex so we're able to work on it.
I really wish you guys the best of luck...this message board has been really helpful to me for ideas and support, so hang in there...there is hope!!
Greeneyedlass said: ------------------ But to get us to this point it took me facing my fears of conflict and telling my husband point blank that we had to do something because I would not live the rest of my life celibate ------------------
"facing your fears of conflict" - that says it all. Congratulations!
That is simply OUTSTANDING!
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Unfortunately, some women love a man's tool, and others really have little interest in it. Only the ones that LOVE that tool will actually have successful marriages. I have read the book about what men want women to know by B. DeAngilis, and it basically is the instruction manual for women to use. If your wife follows the manual, she will have a very successful marriage. I could give that book to my wife and say, read it and live it and we will have an incredible marriage. The only problem is that she has no hope of ever being able to follow the instructions as she can not possibly change enough to do those things.
It really is quite simple, you just have to love sex and desire sex with your spouse. Unfortunately, almost half of all women are NOT really capable of being like this, and we are the unfortuante guys that married one of these women.
I purchased the SSM book, read it thoroughly (3 times) and highlited the portions of it that really hit home with me. Fortunately my husband is fairly open minded so I was then able to ask him to read the book (he hates to read, so getting him to do this was a real accomplishment) and asked him to highlite what he connected with as well...if anything. I had no idea if he was even reading the book, he never said a word to me about it...but eventually (about a month and a half later...slow reader 
) he brought it back as I had asked...with notes in it and agreed to attend counseling with me.