Really good sex, IME, has elements of fusion/boundarylessness to it. It does not denote a pathological state. Let's face it. Letting someone touch your genitals in ANY way is potentially a "boundary issue." There needs to be a distinction between letting down boundaries (appropriately, however it goes for you) in a sexual situation and not falling apart because you've given away your Self or lost your Self in the process. Anyway, I know the difference.
To me, sex without that cosmic fusing thing going on isn't all that fulfilling. Since my H and I do have incredible melding of bodies and minds when we do manage to get together, I can safely say that my own desire comes from wanting ALL of it, not just the mechanical, physical release. Otherwise, MB would be just fine.
That's what made me realize that, in trying to fix whatever is "wrong" with my marriage (you good people have made me feel that I'm in a very good marriage, just needs some attention) - I can focus on the sex, but it's equally possible I can focus on the R side of things.
My H just informed me that he really likes feeling sexy, being told he is sexy, prancing around showing his stuff, etc. I told him that, well, if he's going to enjoy THAT, he'd better find the time/energy to get it on, once in awhile. He was becoming the male equivalent of a prick tease, methinks. He was shocked (he actually sort of turned pale) when I pointed out it had been THREE WEEKS...anyway...it is very true that the LD spouse has a different take on time than the HD spouse.
My goal, from last week, was to lay low and put no pressure on him. After another week, he finally initiated! Yay !!! since it's nearly always me who initiates, it was marvelous for me not to be the "pushy" one. And afterwards, since we felt close, I was able to mention a few things I couldn't, before.
Which is why I'm insisting sex and R are completely intertwined. There are several things I"d like to say to this man, but can't, unless we feel close. When he avoids sex, he avoids that closeness too. Coincidence? Both the sexual desire and the desire to communicate about whatever (not all of it is negative or problematic communication, btw) are intertwined. Anyway, if we don't feel close, I feel less and less like complimenting him, etc., and then he gets all butt-hurt, and it just spirals out of control.
He had gotten into a habit of saying, "Not tonight, dear, too tired, tomorrow night for sure!" But tomorrow was taking 3 weeks or more. I told him I'd rather he simply not say the "tomorrow night for sure!" thing, but instead quietly think to himself, "I don't want sex tonight, maybe I'll want it in THREE WEEKS OR A MONTH!" Be honest, here!
He really freaked out and stopped and thought. Since, from his point of view it's never more than "one night" between our flirtations and our consummations, it's cool. When he faced the fact that "tomorrow" was stretching into weeks or even a month, he saw that was sort of false advertising. He saw immediately how it spoiled my anticipation of the whole event, which is like forgetting the icing on the cake.
So, we'll see. The really scary item on our R to-do list was manage to talk about this in some fashion, which we did (plus we had a really great time in bed, even though I was initially pouty and he had to be the One in Charge).
Anyway, I can now wear my sexy clothes and feel it's not "just for me and my differentiated self," thank you very much. (Give me a break here, sex with my own differentiated self is not the goal...not for me...) Don't rank on me, I know what PM is trying to say, I just think it's a hard concept to get across.
