I have finished reading PM and I am going back through it again to try to understand it better. One thing I noticed again right up front is that it says that "a well differentiated person has no fear of being away from or out of a relationship." I can see myself getting there. Part of my problem is that my whole life is about being with my "lover". For the 10 years I spent as a single, my focus was on finding a "Lover", which I thought I did with my wife. 4 years later, I have a wife but no "Lover". So now I have spent 14 years with a roomate and have no "Lover". So now my life focus is again in finding a "Lover". But PM trys to discourage us from "needing affirmation from others". So I am NOT differentiated if I feel I need a lover. But the GOAL of PM is to acheive a marriage where being lovers is the ULTIMATE. THe IDEAL marriage is where 2 people DESIRE each other, and this is the goal of PM. But at the same time, we are to NOT have this need to be "Desired", yet the result of PM is to be "Desired". I am getting so darn confused here. So if I forget about being "Desired" by the wife, this is how I WILL get to be desired? And if wanting to be "Desired" is wrong, how do I get rid of this "Fusing" trait?
