Hi Debra, just stopping by to see how you are doing.
I'd have to say I agree with Dawn, I wouldn't be surprised if your H doesnt know himself what's going on in his head. It's hard to comprehend how totally blown away they are with their own stuff....from my personal experience, asking doesnt hurt, but my H doesnt seem to have any more of a clue part of the time than I do. He's even told me several times "I'm sorry, I'm just so mixed up right now". Not at all what I need or want to hear.
I'm also with Dawn on being in awe of anybody who can do 2x/day workouts. That is incredible, and says an awful lot about your discipline.
You mention being so tired from being at this for so long. I know you have to be, I believe it's as emotionally draining as anything I've ever gone through and it just seems to go on and on. That from some one who hasnt even thought about it as long as you've been dealing with it. It sounds like you have a terrifice amount of pressure on you otherwise as well. Is there anything you can do to give yourself a little bit of a break? I'd think you would be really needing some nurturing....sometimes if I can't do anything else, I just lock the bedroom door and take a nap for 2 hours. Its surprising how much that can help! can you get away for something that would help you, even just for a little bit?
thanks for the praise you guys regarding the gym. It has been my salvation let me tell you. I can go there and get my mind of everything, H kids , work and do something good for me at the same time. However the weight loss is very slow and I think H is banking on his attraction coming back once I am at a more healthy weight. Ah, that's not gonna happen any time soon and I dont really think that it is the issue underneath everything any way. I really cant do too much for myself to get away because we are kindof strapped right now with me being the only source of income. The gym is really the only "me" thing I get. A nap does sound good if everyone would go away and it was quiet. God I sound like a horrible mother, children please go away.....
I think I read in one of your comments on Deb's thread that you didn't currently have a thread, so I am asuming that this is a new thread for you??
I am certainly no expert on this HD/Ld situation but I am kind of sitting in the same boat.
When a casual friend of mine recently found out that H and I were sep she told me that she and her H had been sep for 20 months back a couple of years ago. They got back together, but now their M is completely devoid of intimacy. That just made me sad.
I don't say this to be mean or judgemental, but it sounds like you and your H could really benefit from some professional help in this area. I do not think that a sexy nightie is going to do the job. Also take a peek at my post on Deb's thread today.
Debra, I had to jump back in here....you are not a horrible mother, you are a great mother, such a great one that you are overwhelmed and exhausted. can you lock the bedroom door for an hour nap? sit under a tree with a book and a glass of tea for an hour? or lock the bathroom door and sit in a bubble bath with a book for an hour? I'm so glad you have the gym, it really does sound like a saving grace for you. But I think the more little tricks we have in our bag to refresh ourselves, the better off we are. You gotta take care of you to be able to take care of anybody else! Darn advice is easier to give than to take, isn't it?
I can not imagine your frustrations....but my H sure can. We went through a long period of time without sex. I think this happens to a lot of marriages. (He brought this up as a possible 'issue' even though we had resolved it years prior to the bomb.) During that time I think he must of tried every which way to get me interested but nothing worked for me. I should have sought out counseling but I was too stubborn and too embarrassed. I was just sure that NO ONE but me had this problem.
Long story short, it was all about ME. I had to work on ME. The work would have gone much faster with a counselor's help.....ah, hind site!
So you are one step ahead of the game. You have a counselor. Now, can you find a way to contact the counselor, either by phone, email, or make an individual appointment and let her/him know what is going on with the two of you? I think that the counselor would appreciate the information greatly. And it would go a long way in helping her/him help you.
DEFINITELY take some time for yourself. The gym is a great way to relieve stress, but if I didn't have my 15 minutes of TM (meditation) and tea in the a.m., I'd never make it through work. Or my Sunday bubble bath. OHHHH, I can't wait for Sunday you guys.
It feels so good to take care of you. When you do, you recharge and you are better as a mother, W, whatever.
You're doing great, keep it up, the weight will come off.
Try self hypnosis as well. It works for me. I repeat to myself constantly "I WILL lose weight, I LOVE to work out, the weight just drops off of me..." After a while, your subconscious mind believes it and does what you keep telling it to do. I know you have a medical condition, but I believe in the power of the brain. Believe it and it will be.
Could be the "guilt". Or the uncertainy of being able to "perform".
When my H was seeing the OW he had problems keeping an erection, I thought it was his meds, but it wasn't, it was the guilt. After the bomb, our sex was WOW!
But since he left we have not been together. And we are know getting a D. I wanted to try, but he didn't.
I don't know of any books on it other than Michele's but keep searching, there has to be a solution out there somewhere!
WOW!