1/2 of sex is in the mind. And if you don't feel sexy, you won't act sexy. Good that you are going to the gym, please keep it up for you.
In the meantime, try mentioning little comments to him occasionally. "I was thinking about you today and your sexy chest" "I had a dream last night about you and had to take a cold shower in the a.m." Whatever, just get him to think about sex. Would that work for him? With men, thinking about it during the day will work him up enough to come home at night wanting something.
Having thyroid disease is tough. Have you lost anything?
Debra, I can't recall if you ever mentioned it or not, but is your H taking any type of medication? I know many of them can interfere w/libido, esp. blood pressure meds and antidepressants, unfortunately. I believe also some cold/allergy meds. I don't know if this could have something to do with it?
It's hard to know what to do w/them, isn't it? I thought of trying the Tarzan/Jane message, but in my H's weird state of mind that I'm insulting him w/sex right now, that would probably PO him beyond words right now. One thing I was going to comment on and forgot was your comment about being haunted everyday by OW telling you your H told her you were fat and it just didn't do it for him.....Keep in mind what you wrote on my thread, about the type of OW who wants to hurt a man's wife....regardless of what type she is, I doubt that she would miss any opportunity to stick a dagger in your heart, so try not to let her. ( I know, easier said than done) Remember, Living Well is the Best Revenge! and honestly, in spite of your current challenges, he is back with you and not with her, right? you are the one he goes on Thursday date nights with, etc., so, I'd say there's some proof in that pudding, so to speak.
Besides, your H was trying to impress her. He was probably not thinking clearly. Maybe he wanted her approval and she was a whiny, clingy, insecure woman and needed him to make something up to make her feel better. So he told her that you didn't attract him.
I began dating my H shortly after his D to his first wife. He never loved her - really didn't, not DBing "ILYBNILWY" stuff. He knocked her up after dating her for a few weeks. Her second H told me the same thing happened to him, and he also wants out. This woman has five children with two Hs and both say they never loved her... she's very hard to get along with.
This is a horrible woman. Yet, despite her telling her children I "stole" their father (we did not have an affair, I was just his friend) and that I was a slut and having sex with him (these were 4 year old children, mind you-AND I was NOT having sex with him.) I have NEVER told her that he didn't love her, that he never wanted his children (whom he loves dearly now, BTW) or that he felt she "tricked" him into marrying her.
I know the truth. I know my H never loved her. That (at one time) he loved me dearly. That I have his love and she never did. I don't need to rub that in her face, I like to think I am better than that.
That's the type of woman our H's marry. Not that slut your H hooked up with for a little fun. She knows it. That's why she was trying to hurt you. Because she knows she wasn't good enough for him and wanted to make you feel like you are on her level.
Guess what? You're the W, and he is back with you. So, feel good. And make her jealous by losing that weight and feeling good about yourself. Be sexy, feel sexy, act sexy. Believe you are.
I am trying to get back in focus, just very tired of all of this. Deb: No H has never taken any meds that would hinder his performance, this is all in his head and heart I think. I took prozac for 5 years but when my internist found out he made me quit, said I had taken them well beyong their purpose. Was hard for awhile, but doing ok now. The gym actually helps me more anyway. H is not home tonight he is at his last wed night class for the semester. Kind of enjoying my alone time. thinking of taking a mental health day soon but need to get thru oldest son's college grad next week. yeah for him, now if only he would get a job!!!!!!! he played minor league baseball for the last two years but recently decided it was only going to lead to a 30 yr old minorleague player( he will be 24 soon)so....he is graduating but hasnt quite figured out what to do with himself just yet. Something good at least for our family.
Hi Debra - I've been seeing your wise posts around, and thought I'd jump in here for a bit. A persistent tone through your posts has been the tiredness - could this be medical in addition to the emotional difficulties?
I'm also wondering if he feels utterly safe with you that all intimacy and care can be postponed till he is good and ready? Just wondering if a little bit of get-a-life with a good measure of mystery might jolt him out of this alien induced limbo? Slowly
Debra, Do you think you could ever get your H to attend sex therapy? I might be way off here but it sounds like he has a hard time relating to you as both his wife and friend and life partner as well as a red hot lover. So he turns to these awful sounding women for sexual release.
You know, some men put their wives up on a pedestal to such an extent that they then feel they are degrading her by wanting sex from her. Could this be it?
My own H would rather clean the toilet with his tongue than attend therapy but he WILL read a book if I insist long and loud enough. Would this be an option for him? Maybe you could find something that speaks to his inability to relate to you as both a wife and lover..
slowly and honeypot, thanks for your input. I think the tiredness stems from the length of time I have been at this, combined with the fact that I am the only one in my household who has to go to work everyday. Oldest will hopefully be getting a job soon, youngest and H are in college full time and I know that they have rough schedules but it is not the same. Plus I am in the legal field (paralegal) and with all of Govenor Schwarznegger's reforms, my firm may well be out of business soon (he does not like lawyers and we do workers comp and personal injury both targets of his). When I bought my house I bought it with the intention that it would only be myself and youngest son and eventually just me. Now all 4 of us are there and it is small and there is no where to go for peace and quite. I have a vacation coming up in early july so maybe that will help.
Dont think H would go for sex therapy but might be receptive to our counselor if she got on the topic. He is not too fond of "books" but if I insisted, he might so I am going to look this weekend to see if anything hits the mark so to speak. It is an interesting idea that he may not be able to see me in all roles and has the mom, wife thing seperate from the lover. Only he knows and he is not telling. Should I just come out and ask? It just seems like I need to do something different as it is the same conversation with the same excuses and promises over and over again
Congrats on the thread! You have attrated some really great people here already.
I was reading your final post and this jumped out at me....
Quote: Only he knows and he is not telling.
I wouldn't be too sure about this. It is quite possible that he, in fact, DOES NOT know. I think it would be dangerous to question him about it. Here's why...
When my H bombed me he kept saying things like, "I don't know what I am feeling", "I don't know where these feeling are coming from", etc. I just wish that I would have kept my mouth shut at the time. But NO, the fixer in me suggested all kinds of reasons for his feelings and most of them pointed the blame at me. Dumb. dumb, dumb. He clung to my suggestions like a life raft and I started paying for them immediately.
Now, of course, I understand that he was right...he really did not know what was going on inside him. And I learned too late that it really had nothing to do with me or our marriage.
I just wanted to caution you not to put ideas into his head. If you have individual counseling, why not bring it up to the C. Perhaps she/he can begin to explore this area with the two of you?
I also really like slowly's idea about creating a little mystery.
Good luck to you Debra.
Dawn (So jealous of your dedication to twice/day work outs!)
41: You are right, in the past I have said things to him about why I think he may have done or said something and he has immediatley glommed on to the suggestion as his own. I will not bring it up. We do not have individual counseling now, it has been joined together, so I am at a loss as to how to get counselor to bring this up, or to do it myself. All I know is that I need to fix this for me to be happy. He seems to take his cues from me and if I dont bring it up or initiate any intimacy, he thinks everything is good and goes on his merry way. I know I seem impatient but over 2 years is a long time to wait and also a long time to invest if in fact a mistake has been made. thanks everyone for all your ideas, I really am starting to look in different directions now. Keep the thoughts and idea coming please.
