Jo, Yep, I came out of the closet. And NO, that doesn't mean THAT!
Things are OK. W & I have had a few talks, some good, some not so good. She's indicated that she understands and wants what I want. She's reading some in PM and TSSM which shows an interest in making things better.
I've made it clear that I want sex but not mercy sex (uninvolved and unenthusiastic). She's a bit behind the 8-ball here: How does she go from holding way back for years (which she admitted the other day for the 1st time) to being super hot sex kitten to convince me that it's different now? I see her dilemma and the pressure she's under, so I'm trying to provide some encouragement through non-sexual affection (which I had quit altogether).
She will probably never understand my HD. And she's afraid of never being enough for me sexually ("You want me to do WHAT?" ) But at least for now, she's not using it as an excuse to do nothing.
Thanks for asking. I've kept up with the board and read about your recent actions. Sorry it's come to this, but when you've done all you can, what else can you do?
Hey Barn! Sounds like things are going well in your neck of the woods.
I would start very small with your requests from your W, so as not to overwhelm her and ruin what little confidence she is working with. You might want to ask her to: Initiate! Nothing tells you that she is in favor of the program as much as this. Write you a sexy note (or a semi-sexy note) and put it in your lunch. Things like that...you know, she doesn't have to morph into some sex freak--although I know you wouldn't complain.
Be sure to do lots of reassuring and let her know that you are looking for little things. OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I almost forgot the most important: Compliment her liberally. When she makes a move, no matter how small, acknowledge it and praise it. Don't go overboard so that she gets the idea that you are happy with little things and there is no motivation to do any more. But be sure to acknowledge it and praise it and then drop it. This works really well in my marriage, although I have mentioned a time or 100 that I have to KEEP doing this indefinitely it seems!
Above all, I would try and stress to her that this is HER journey, not yours. You can give hints of what you would like (to reassure her that you will indeed be happy with small gestures) but ultimately this has to be her path.
HP, Thanks for the post. I agree with most of what you said. (If I agreed with everything you'd think I was easy. )
It really is her path. I've learned how to differentiate and HOM a lot better than before. So much so that W pretty much hates PM when I use it, although she agrees it's a great book.
I've made my position clear and haven't made any requests of her at all. I've just told her what it would take, if she chooses to have things different than they are now. But I've been very up front that she's under no pressure to do anything. I'm firm in my position and feel better about it, too.
Her admitting that she has been uninvolved, unenthusiastic and holding back was huge. That was the 1st time ever. She admitted that she "didn't know what was wrong" with her. I told her that if she chooses to face whatever she's afraid of, I'll help rather than push her.
Since then she's requested I bring her a copy of TSSM to read, been complimentary of my workout results, and initiated some physical contact. For all of these I've expressed appreciation at face value w/o indicating that I expect more. This could be a long term crucible result. We'll have to wait and see.
Congrats on your improvements at home. I still don't understand your H's reaction to your "advances", but you seem to be handling it a lot better than before. Growth is good! But that's why all us fixers are here, huh?
Quote: --------- She's a bit behind the 8-ball here: How does she go from holding way back for years (which she admitted the other day for the 1st time) to being super hot sex kitten to convince me that it's different now? ---------
In order for that to happen, BOTH of you have to be committed to the change. Both of you have to understand that there will be miscommunications and misunderstandings. Both of you have to be willing to face them head on and take action.
Find out from her what caused her to withdraw and fix it once and for all time.
The newness of the positive change itself will wear off in time, and you both will be face to face with the potential to repeat old mistakes. When you find that has indeed occured, be willing to talk about it and fix it immediately. The vicious circle that got your relationship wrecked to begin with is just waiting in the wings for you. Recognize it and avoid it like the plague.
My wife and I are still working through all this, but we are doing very well. It will take some more time for all the 'nastiness' to be a distant memory, but making that distance real is OUR goal.
Hang in there! -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Hey Barney, I just figured out who you are. Sounds like you are making some real progress. I TOTALLY understand what a big thing her admitting "holding back" is. I bet it made you feel like saying, "phew! I'm not crazy!"
Good luck, and keep us updated.
Hairdog - who hopes he never has to change his name to protect the innocent.
) But at least for now, she's not using it as an excuse to do nothing. 
