The gist of it is that if I'd just do everything she says/thinks/wants/needs then the world would be great
We know what a myth that really is. Desire comes from respect which comes from integrity (the PM kind), not from service or subservience.
Quote:
She's moping around trying to get me to feel sorry for her. I can expect a big blow up in the next few days trying to get a rise out of me. In the meantime, she'll act depressed and neglect things so I can rescue her.
Isn't PM da' bomb! It predicts everything she is doing. On a couple of occasions, I nearly started laughing when my W was unleashing on me because it was so predictable. Makes HOM much easier when you expect the reaction. Good Luck...I detect a crucible moment coming up.
-Dave (who really didn't just say "da bomb")
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: Dave (who really didn't just say "da bomb")
Yes you did!!! And I agree... I'm thrilled for you, Barney! Who'd-a guessed Mr. Fife over yonder would go growin' hissef a nice stainless-steel pair now?
Well, I guess we're just gonna hafta find out about that ain't we, ope? Gonna be a right fine show, I bet. (I pass thru Mayberry - the real one - on my way to visit my folks...)
My W does the EXACT same thing. The few occasions (used to be more often, before I began the "He Who Cares the Least" thing) where we've discussed our mutual unhappiness, she has ALWAYS made it immediately about MY issues. I can boil it all down to:
She is not desireous of me because I am not a happy nor confident person. I am not a happy nor confident person because she is not desireous of me. For her to BE desireous of me, I have to BECOME a happier and more confident, first . I cannot fake that, at least for any length of time (and she has told me that this would take months if not YEARS now that we've become so distant), and also cannot maintain my integrity by acting like something I'm not.
But it's ALWAYS me, and she refuses to face her own issues.
Choc., whose FAVORITE show in the whole history of TV is Andy Griffith!
You are describing a paradox I struggled with early in our "recovery" where you have to "fake it" for a while. The only way to handle this without it driving you crazy is to assert your desires in the type of way us PM fans talk about throughout this site. You will actually gain some happiness in yourself when you do these things. I found a level of intimacy and "connection" from the process of "assertion". It's weird.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: "Latent tendencies"????? Sheesh, that sounds like I'm gay and in the closet.
I'm just exhibiting NORMAL, sexually repressed, HDM insecurities. And I hate it that you tease me like you do. Teasing I like but when there's no payoff, it's FRUSTRATION!
barney - frustrated at home, frustrated here
Barn,
Just sharing the wealth of frustration around here, okay? At least there is some written reparte as a payoff which will have to suffice. Just thought I would bring this here and off someone else's thread. What insecureities are you referring to? *wink*
You have been quiet about your sitch. Any change? Last week she was a bit snuggly, this week?
Jo asked: You have been quiet about your sitch. Any change? Last week she was a bit snuggly, this week? ___________________________
No change since the update of 6/1. She's acting like the victim since I said I wouldn't accept "mercy sex". It's like no sex is OK when it's her idea (or schedule, excuse, etc.), but when I say NO MORE, then I'm the bad guy depriving her of "unconditional love". We went through this once before a few years back (before I read PM) and it lasted 18 months, so I really don't expect any change.
As far as my insecurities are concerned, they are ALL related to not being wanted. I deal with thoughts of "if I was bigger, better,...blah, blah, blah". Other HDM here have indicated they have the same thoughts, so I guess it's common. That doesn't really help, though.
You have to guard against taking rejection personally. Your H is an idiot! That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. Maybe you made a mistake by trying to rescue him, but, if so, it was made with the best of intentions (love). If there is anything to learn in this, it's that you can't rescue everyone and shouldn't try. Pick a better guy next time. BUT...you're a great lady who deserves to be wanted! You won't have any trouble finding a guy that thinks so. Don't allow yourself to have a problem believing it.
Mike - gives advice easily, but rarely takes his own advice
Sounds as if she has no idea what unconditional love really is. Something about meeting your partner at least half way and compromise, but what do I know? I'm the one getting a D.
I think that the insecurities are part of being rejected for so long by the person we want to be with the most.. Natural I think, but could have easily been avoided if our partners had a clue about interpersonal marriage dynamics.
You could ask 100 people what is wrong with me and you would get 100 different answers. I know that it is mostly him, but sometimes I just have those doubts, too. If I were x,y,or z, would that have made a difference in the outcome? No, I doubt it. Deep down, I know better, but sometimes the rejection really cuts deep.
And I agree... I'm thrilled for you, Barney! Who'd-a guessed Mr. Fife over yonder would go growin' hissef a nice stainless-steel pair now? 
BUT...you're a great lady who deserves to be wanted! You won't have any trouble finding a guy that thinks so. 
Don't allow yourself to have a problem believing it.