On Saturday, as I was getting into the shower, my W told me about a TV program she saw the night before when she went up to bed. It was about a sex therapist talking on the importance of hugging to break down walls of resentment between couples with sexual difficulties. After she finished telling me, I said I understood how the hugging would help them feel better but not how it would resolve the problems that caused the resentment.
As we talked, I told her how I read about Hugging Till Relaxed. She asked more about it and I explained about differentiating, self-validated intimacy, and holding onto yourself and how it related to HTR.
To make an already long story shorter, she told me that she had seen my copy of PM, thumbed through it, liked it and bought her own copy. She said she's read the first 150 pages. Although she probably exaggerated her reading progress, I was floored.
We had a calm and honest convo for about 45 minutes. (My kids have NEVER not interrupted us talking within 10 minutes before.) I shared that I was not sure I would be able to stay in a M without sex and intimacy. I confessed that although I've pursued sex with her, I now realize (through PM) that what I've always wanted was the great sex that intimacy brings.
Everything didn't go great but we ended up on a positive note. I'm not getting my hopes up because I don't want to crash once again, but things have been much better R-wise. No sex, but for the first time ever she's begun to touch me (sitting on the couch reaching over to touch my arm, etc.).
I don't know what to think of this. But I am enjoying less complaining and arguing in the last few days than I can remember in 22+ years.
Way to go. How nice to have your spouse touch you willingly again. Big PMA booster for you, I'm sure. I hope that you will be able to regale us with more positives in the future.
Thanks to AD and Jo. Last night we were watching TV in the dark and she was rubbing my arm for the first time in... (I honestly can't remember it ever before). She said, "You've really been working out. Your arms are huge!" I didn't want to break the mood by saying anything except, "Thanks". But it wasn't my arm.
OK, I'm going to try to be serious for a moment. Nothing has happened that should really be special, but something this simple has never happened before. I'll keep you posted on the results as they occur.
Mike - pathetically grateful, but differentiating enough not to expect anything more
Thanks to all the well wishers, even Mojo who finds a way to insult me with a compliment.
I've had the feeling since Saturday that something wasn't right about this, but I've sure been enjoying the peace in the house. Yesterday my W emailed me to ask if we could try the Hugging Till Relaxed that PM talks of. I thought either she's read that far now or she's going from what I told her on Saturday. So, I skimmed the HTR chapter before heading home to "do it right".
She broke it off very quickly and I mentioned it. She hugged again but broke it off quickly again. It was like she hadn't asked for it at all. I continued my self-soothing (I was doing this for me anyway) and we had a nice evening, with only touching being me rubbing W's back while watching TV.
This morning, I just knew something wasn't right about this. So, I asked my W to see her copy of PM so I could see how far she had read. She asked why and I said that I'd like to read along with the chapters she's reading like I did with the HTR. I said that it would help me to be at the same "PM" place as her.
Eventually she told me that she lied to me about having PM. She read a bit of mine one night while I was out with the kids. She said she intended to get her own copy but hasn't, and that she lied because she was afraid to tell me that she had read my copy since I had made some personal notes in it.
I'm back at square one again. She's doing things today to make it seem that she really wants to make changes, but I've seen them all before. The pattern is that it will last for a few days, until she gets over feeling guilty because she lied, then it will be over.
It's a good thing that I was differentiated enough not to get my hopes up about this Saturday because I'd really feel bad today if I had.
So, thanks again to everyone but I guess this was a false alarm. Sorry.
Mike - I'm not whining, it's just the sound of me being played
First of all, don't worry about doing it "right". Whatever the experience is, that's what it is. The important thing is to get back on that horse and ride again. Try it again! See if she can go a bit longer before "jolting". Above all, DON'T fault her for jolting - that's where she's at at the moment. Also, I'm not really sure how much value there is in "reading along at the same pace" - I used to think it might be useful, but more and more I think each should experience it (or not) as they will. Also, asking to see where she was at was, imho, kind of invasive, although I can understand the curiosity, and I also indulge in it, but I'm thinking it doesn't really matter, and if I know where she's read up to, then I'm more likely to be waiting for her to self-confront and differentiate, instead of concentrating on my OWN self-confrontation and differentiation. I've been a big "sinner" on this point, and I think I need to change my ways.
I don't think you're back at square one, unless you insist on it. You know what YOU'VE read, so take that and plan what YOU are going to do. Chin up.. it's not as bad as all that...
