Good to hear from you Creed. Sorry you are having rough days... but at least she has not gone back to OM, so maybe you are at least out of the woods regarding THAT, which is the main thing! I have a few suggestions that I hope might help...
As far as driving yourself crazy with the ghosts and memories... try to remember that emotions are something we choose, at least in part, not just something that happens to us. I recommend a book for you, by Albert Ellis, it's called "How to Stop People from Pushing your Buttons." It is all about exactly HOW to go about choosing less painful emotions for yourself, which is of course easier said than done. I have a feeling you'll really like the book.
I think it's normal that she can't get through a day without thinking about him. In time, that will fade, but it may take quite some time indeed, and her feelings for him may never completely resolve. I think you would be wise NOT to make that a "deal breaker" Creed, because life and love and people and relationships are complex. If you love her, you can choose to excuse her "flaw" in this regard, on the grounds that she is only human. As much as we crave and strive for clarity and simplicity in life, it is usually fleeting. Try to see her residual feelings for OM as a separate issue from how she feels, or will hopefully GROW to feel again, about YOU. I understand you feel you "won" by default, and perhaps feel that OM could come back and take your W at any time. But the only thing you can DO about that is work on making your M as great as it can be, and hope that he never comes back, and that if he does, by then you and your W will be so well connected that hopefully it will not pose a problem.
You say you know you and your wife will win in the long run, and I believe you WILL, because that positive attitude is what makes things happen!!!
QUOTE: "Why must there be some women who can't see what they have, when there are others out there who would kill to have me."
It's just human nature... the grass is always greener on the other side. I think she CAN see what she has, she's just focused on what she doesn't have right now, which is OM. As that fades, hopefully she will reaquaint herself with what she has in you.
You miss your confidence and stability? Well, you sound plenty confident and stable to me, I think you are selling yourself short there.
QUOTE:
"God I miss my life."
I feel the same way about mine! Normal life feels weirdly bleak and foreign. Again, I think this too shall pass! I have somehow kept my sense of humor through my ordeal, mailny out of stubborn refusal to part with it. Do try to remember that there is no proof life should be taken seriously.
QUOTE:
"I'm only the shell of the person I once was."
I really doubt that's true. You have kept your wits about you, maintained your integrity, and taken a pro-active attitude through this ordeal. It's just that you are battle fatigued, and your ego has taken the worst possible briusing. Focus on taking care of yourself, and try to get passionately engaged in your life interests again! This is KEY. Force yourself, and it will soon feel natural again. If your W is like most all women, there is nothing more appealing than a man who is fully engaged in his OWN life.
Your conviction about your marriage and your wife is fortunate and admirable... I think it will pay off. "Faint heart never won fair lady," as they say, as OM found out too late.
Your W and I are in VERY similar boats. I would like to chat with her actually, if she would be open to that? I wish I could leave my e-mail address for you, but for privacy reasons, I hesitate. If your wife would like someone to talk to who is going thru the same feelings, maybe she can set up a hotmail account for us to chat. If that appeals to her, let me know. Take Care, you are doing better than you think.
