Hi Creed. Sorry this response took so long. What do you mean your W has "contingency plans?" Is she still in ANY type of contact with OM?
Your W is going thru a grieving process right now. In a way, her pain is even worse than if OM died... because if he died, she wouldn't be able to do anything about that, so it would be a nice clean grief. By contrast, the grieving she is doing now is complicated and made worse by the fact that she knows she can relieve the pain (temporarily) if she has contact with OM. Trust me, it IS truly painful, she's not being dramatic or weak.
The LONGER she can successfully stay away from OM, the better!... because with TIME, the pain and temptation to make contact decrease. Try to keep her busy with enjoyable activities. Tell her you are very proud of her for this effort and that she will not be sorry! (I wish my H would say that, it would help right now!). I am in your W's shoes and my H has been very supportive, but he does not verbalize a lot of faith in our future and CONVICTION about the idea of us remaining a couple. That would help me feel as if I had something more solid to go to, and would make staying away from OM easier. My advice is, express your heartfelt conviction about your M!!!!
Your wife needs to talk about her feelings. It's just too much pain to handle alone. If she won't talk to you, try to make sure she has some private opportunity to talk to a female friend or relative that she's close to. You need to improve communication with your W immediately. I recommend a book called "The Power of Two" which may help you get her talking to you.
ABOVE ALL... do not disparage OM or what they shared in front of her. This will increase her loyalty to him and their A, not decrease it.
When you see her "pining" you might say "I can see how hard this is for you. I know you can do it, though. It's hard for me too. Remember that THE BEST IS YET TO COME for us." Your wife's present-moments are awful right now, and there's not much you can do about that, so keep her eyes on the future with you. Is there anything she's always wanted to do, or anyplace she's always wanted to go? Talk about that! Did you or she save any love letters or pictures from your early years? Pull one out and leave it where she'll find it, with a little note from you about your faith in the M.
How are you holding up? Do you have someone to talk to? You are under a TREMENDOUS amount of stress, with the affair, your wife in limbo, a pending move, job changes. Try to foucus on taking care of your SELF, and give your self lots of positive "self talk." It's "painful" for both of you right now, but it does NOT have to feel devastating. Emotional pain is sometimes inevitable, but gut-wenching devastation is a choice... don't choose it! Talk yourself out of it!
Keep your sense of humor... things could be a lot worse... Remember, it's only LIFE, and there is absolutely no proof life should be taken seriously!
Don't throw in the towel yet! It's not the right time. Divorce is a big decision. You don't want to make ANY decision, let alone a big decision, when you are an "emotional wreck." Wait till you get past the crisis and try your absolute best for awhile, then later you can always re-evaluate the M. Remember, most marital dissatisfacton is temporary, not permanent.
I am sure you ARE a "good guy" and a hard worker. My H is too. It's not that we "straying women" don't see and appreciate that, we do! I am sure your W appreciates you, or she wouldn't be there. Remember, her choices are not just "you or OM"... she could also be on her own, in hopes of a brand new relationship.
I wonder if your contact w/ OM's wife is justified anymore. It does not seem healthy for your M. You want these folks OUT of your life... you know? OUT. If she needs someone to talk to, she should be going to a female friend or marriage counselor. You going to OM's wife for spying purposes is just fueling the continued drama. WORK ON AUTHENTIC, FEELING-BASED COMMUNICATION with your W, so that you do not need to spy to get info.
Try not to let this breach of trust make you controlling or suspicious. That's only going to back-fire. And remember, your S perceives the stress around him, even though he is so young. Treating him extra well right now will help him out, and help you feel better about yourself. Look on this unemployment as a special time to bond more closely with your son. Sorry you are going thru this! Hang in there.
