Don't feel bad about being the "back up plan." I am having an emotional affair, and I love my H dearly, but he is the "back up plan" as well... I want OM to leave his W for me, and he will not. This does not mean I love my OM "more" than my H, just differently. You must think of it this way... when someone has an affair, it is usually at least partly the result of some problems and deficiencies in the marriage. Then, the affair itself further erodes the marriage. So , OF COURSE she chose OM over you at first, because HE is starting with a clean slate, and there is not years of messy marriage stuff to get in the way of an open and totally vulnerable kind of intimacy with him. She was probably choosing THAT as much as "Him" get it? Not to say she has no genuine love for OM, she very well may! I am just saying that being the "back up" is due to factors that have nothing to do with you. Trust me on that one. Good Luck!
What advice do you have for me in regaurds to trying to get W over OM? He walked out on her twice! I am still here. Somedays are good, but then there are days like today and yesterday when it doesn't seem to matter what I do, she just isn't happy. A lot of things have returned to our life, but a lot of things have entered as well. I was never jealous or controlling before, I let her go where she wanted with whomever she wanted. Then the trust was breached.
I feel it is unfair that I have to walk on egg shells. SHe has a lot more to lose in this than I do. On days like today I feel it would be better to throw in the towel and let her go. I don't care where, I just know that I would be able to go back home and be with my family who loves me dearly. Why is it so hard for her to see the good she does have before her? I am a good guy. I work hard for my W and S (4). But now I am an unemployed emotional wreck. When she is pining over him do I just give her space? Or do I offer a hug? She won't talk to me and she won't share her feelings. Even though we have had several talks about how important this is to a R, let alone a marriage.
Don't get me wrong, I know she wants to try to make it work, but she still has contingency plans. SHe can go back to her job up until July 1st, what pressure that is to me. I just don't know, and I feel so helpless. I guess until she makes that final decision we are going to continue on the roller-coaster. What fun...
Hi Creed. Sorry this response took so long. What do you mean your W has "contingency plans?" Is she still in ANY type of contact with OM?
Your W is going thru a grieving process right now. In a way, her pain is even worse than if OM died... because if he died, she wouldn't be able to do anything about that, so it would be a nice clean grief. By contrast, the grieving she is doing now is complicated and made worse by the fact that she knows she can relieve the pain (temporarily) if she has contact with OM. Trust me, it IS truly painful, she's not being dramatic or weak.
The LONGER she can successfully stay away from OM, the better!... because with TIME, the pain and temptation to make contact decrease. Try to keep her busy with enjoyable activities. Tell her you are very proud of her for this effort and that she will not be sorry! (I wish my H would say that, it would help right now!). I am in your W's shoes and my H has been very supportive, but he does not verbalize a lot of faith in our future and CONVICTION about the idea of us remaining a couple. That would help me feel as if I had something more solid to go to, and would make staying away from OM easier. My advice is, express your heartfelt conviction about your M!!!!
Your wife needs to talk about her feelings. It's just too much pain to handle alone. If she won't talk to you, try to make sure she has some private opportunity to talk to a female friend or relative that she's close to. You need to improve communication with your W immediately. I recommend a book called "The Power of Two" which may help you get her talking to you.
ABOVE ALL... do not disparage OM or what they shared in front of her. This will increase her loyalty to him and their A, not decrease it.
When you see her "pining" you might say "I can see how hard this is for you. I know you can do it, though. It's hard for me too. Remember that THE BEST IS YET TO COME for us." Your wife's present-moments are awful right now, and there's not much you can do about that, so keep her eyes on the future with you. Is there anything she's always wanted to do, or anyplace she's always wanted to go? Talk about that! Did you or she save any love letters or pictures from your early years? Pull one out and leave it where she'll find it, with a little note from you about your faith in the M.
How are you holding up? Do you have someone to talk to? You are under a TREMENDOUS amount of stress, with the affair, your wife in limbo, a pending move, job changes. Try to foucus on taking care of your SELF, and give your self lots of positive "self talk." It's "painful" for both of you right now, but it does NOT have to feel devastating. Emotional pain is sometimes inevitable, but gut-wenching devastation is a choice... don't choose it! Talk yourself out of it!
Keep your sense of humor... things could be a lot worse... Remember, it's only LIFE, and there is absolutely no proof life should be taken seriously!
Don't throw in the towel yet! It's not the right time. Divorce is a big decision. You don't want to make ANY decision, let alone a big decision, when you are an "emotional wreck." Wait till you get past the crisis and try your absolute best for awhile, then later you can always re-evaluate the M. Remember, most marital dissatisfacton is temporary, not permanent.
I am sure you ARE a "good guy" and a hard worker. My H is too. It's not that we "straying women" don't see and appreciate that, we do! I am sure your W appreciates you, or she wouldn't be there. Remember, her choices are not just "you or OM"... she could also be on her own, in hopes of a brand new relationship.
I wonder if your contact w/ OM's wife is justified anymore. It does not seem healthy for your M. You want these folks OUT of your life... you know? OUT. If she needs someone to talk to, she should be going to a female friend or marriage counselor. You going to OM's wife for spying purposes is just fueling the continued drama. WORK ON AUTHENTIC, FEELING-BASED COMMUNICATION with your W, so that you do not need to spy to get info.
Try not to let this breach of trust make you controlling or suspicious. That's only going to back-fire. And remember, your S perceives the stress around him, even though he is so young. Treating him extra well right now will help him out, and help you feel better about yourself. Look on this unemployment as a special time to bond more closely with your son. Sorry you are going thru this! Hang in there.
Hi Creed. Sorry this response took so long. What do you mean your W has "contingency plans?" Is she still in ANY type of contact with OM?
Your W is going thru a grieving process right now. In a way, her pain is even worse than if OM died... because if he died, she wouldn't be able to do anything about that, so it would be a nice clean grief. By contrast, the grieving she is doing now is complicated and made worse by the fact that she knows she can relieve the pain (temporarily) if she has contact with OM. Trust me, it IS truly painful, she's not being dramatic or weak.
The LONGER she can successfully stay away from OM, the better!... because with TIME, the pain and temptation to make contact decrease. Try to keep her busy with enjoyable activities. Tell her you are very proud of her for this effort and that she will not be sorry! (I wish my H would say that, it would help right now!). I am in your W's shoes and my H has been very supportive, but he does not verbalize a lot of faith in our future and CONVICTION about the idea of us remaining a couple. That would help me feel as if I had something more solid to go to, and would make staying away from OM easier. My advice is, express your heartfelt conviction about your M!!!!
Your wife needs to talk about her feelings. It's just too much pain to handle alone. If she won't talk to you, try to make sure she has some private opportunity to talk to a female friend or relative that she's close to. You need to improve communication with your W immediately. I recommend a book called "The Power of Two" which may help you get her talking to you.
ABOVE ALL... do not disparage OM or what they shared in front of her. This will increase her loyalty to him and their A, not decrease it.
When you see her "pining" you might say "I can see how hard this is for you. I know you can do it, though. It's hard for me too. Remember that THE BEST IS YET TO COME for us." Your wife's present-moments are awful right now, and there's not much you can do about that, so keep her eyes on the future with you. Is there anything she's always wanted to do, or anyplace she's always wanted to go? Talk about that! Did you or she save any love letters or pictures from your early years? Pull one out and leave it where she'll find it, with a little note from you about your faith in the M.
How are you holding up? Do you have someone to talk to? You are under a TREMENDOUS amount of stress, with the affair, your wife in limbo, a pending move, job changes. Try to foucus on taking care of your SELF, and give your self lots of positive "self talk." It's "painful" for both of you right now, but it does NOT have to feel devastating. Emotional pain is sometimes inevitable, but gut-wenching devastation is a choice... don't choose it! Talk yourself out of it!
Keep your sense of humor... things could be a lot worse... Remember, it's only LIFE, and there is absolutely no proof life should be taken seriously!
Don't throw in the towel yet! It's not the right time. Divorce is a big decision. You don't want to make ANY decision, let alone a big decision, when you are an "emotional wreck." Wait till you get past the crisis and try your absolute best for awhile, then later you can always re-evaluate the M. Remember, most marital dissatisfacton is temporary, not permanent.
I am sure you ARE a "good guy" and a hard worker. My H is too. It's not that we "straying women" don't see and appreciate that, we do! I am sure your W appreciates you, or she wouldn't be there. Remember, her choices are not just "you or OM"... she could also be on her own, in hopes of a brand new relationship.
I wonder if your contact w/ OM's wife is justified anymore. It does not seem healthy for your M. You want these folks OUT of your life... you know? OUT. If she needs someone to talk to, she should be going to a female friend or marriage counselor. You going to OM's wife for spying purposes is just fueling the continued drama. WORK ON AUTHENTIC, FEELING-BASED COMMUNICATION with your W, so that you do not need to spy to get info.
Try not to let this breach of trust make you controlling or suspicious. That's only going to back-fire. And remember, your S perceives the stress around him, even though he is so young. Treating him extra well right now will help him out, and help you feel better about yourself. Look on this unemployment as a special time to bond more closely with your son. Sorry you are going thru this! Hang in there.
Annalise Well the move happened, and over the course of the first 3 weeks back W threatened to leave twice and me once, but then God stepped in and said enough. OM backed out on W again. THey were communicating through E-Mail and she finally had enough. He was promissing her the "world", leaving his W and kids, getting them a place, and accepting her back. She was packed (w/ my help) and ready to go. I told her parents that I wasn't going to stop her and they shouldn't either. They did go and talk to her and by the time the conversation ended (I came in part way through) she had recieved a phone call from OM saying she should stay since he couldn't deal with me. I had called and told him he had better be good to her or I would be there the second she was hurt and I would come to fight. Kinda wierd since I am 5'4" 180lbs and he is 6'4" 240lbs, but he was worried about me.
That day we went to the chiropractor and she spilled all the truth. She said it was really over this time and she was going to work on us. We shared hopes and struggles and she was drawn closer to me than she ever has been. I think she understands that this man was a predator. Whenever she started to slip back towards me, he would hit her with messages on her cell phone, Text messages, or E-Mails. When we made the move she had 21 messages on her phone from the day before we left and the day that we moved and she got another 7 from him within 3 days of arriving at our destination. She said everyday that she checked her E-Mail there were 10-15 messages and pictures. All begging her to comeback and that he had made a mistake. Well he is right. He did and she has had enough.
We have had great times, good times and bad times. It all depends on the day. She needs to heal and I am trying to be as comforting as I can. I think she knows that I am the stable choice, and also the right choice. I also have gotten "I love you"s for the first time in a long time. We enjoy golfing, playing cards, and watching movies and our love life has rebloomed too. It is getting better. Now it is just a matter of waiting I think. She struggles with the memories of him and I told her she would. I also told her that she has gotten over other guys in the past and I know she can get over him too. Support is not hard to give, but I have slipped a couple of times because she sometimes wants me to feel sorry for her and I won't. I have told her I will be there for her and I will help her the best that I can, but it is up to her to put the memories of him in the back of her mind and start making memories of us again.
Sounds like things are going very well, all things considered. I so hope that this is "it" for you two and that the A is truly over.
Yes, you clearly are the "stable choice!" What an under-statement. Your W is very fortunate that you somehow found the strength and motivation to fight so hard for her and your M. I really feel that as she heals from OM, she will come to more fully appreciate all you have done and been through. Right now it is still "all about her" for awhile, and it sounds like you understand that and are handling that well.
Sounds like things are going very well, all things considered. I so hope that this is "it" for you two and that the A is truly over.
Yes, you clearly are the "stable choice!" What an under-statement. Your W is very fortunate that you somehow found the strength and motivation to fight so hard for her and your M. I really feel that as she heals from OM, she will come to more fully appreciate all you have done and been through. Right now it is still "all about her" for awhile, and it sounds like you understand that and are handling that well.
Some days are so hard. THe ghosts that live in our new house that are reminders of the A are sometimes unbearable. From his birthday written in on the calendar, to music and the occasional nightmare memory, I nearly drive myself crazy some days. And then talking to her is a joke. She is so great somedays but then there are days like today. I want her to try reading books that can help her, but she wont, see a MC but she wont, "No time", "Too much money", but yet she can't get through a day without thinking about him. I know I am the better man, and I know we will win in the long run, but some days are so hard...I wish she could only see and feel for real how much I really love her. I would have never let her walk away...I still won't let her go. Why must there be some women who can't see what they have, when there are others out there who would kill to have me. God I miss my life. My stability. My confidence. My sense of humor. I'm only the shell of the person I once was, and I guess I need to get that back. But how do you do it when everything you were was wrong for everything you ever wanted? I guess that is the secret.
Good to hear from you Creed. Sorry you are having rough days... but at least she has not gone back to OM, so maybe you are at least out of the woods regarding THAT, which is the main thing! I have a few suggestions that I hope might help...
As far as driving yourself crazy with the ghosts and memories... try to remember that emotions are something we choose, at least in part, not just something that happens to us. I recommend a book for you, by Albert Ellis, it's called "How to Stop People from Pushing your Buttons." It is all about exactly HOW to go about choosing less painful emotions for yourself, which is of course easier said than done. I have a feeling you'll really like the book.
I think it's normal that she can't get through a day without thinking about him. In time, that will fade, but it may take quite some time indeed, and her feelings for him may never completely resolve. I think you would be wise NOT to make that a "deal breaker" Creed, because life and love and people and relationships are complex. If you love her, you can choose to excuse her "flaw" in this regard, on the grounds that she is only human. As much as we crave and strive for clarity and simplicity in life, it is usually fleeting. Try to see her residual feelings for OM as a separate issue from how she feels, or will hopefully GROW to feel again, about YOU. I understand you feel you "won" by default, and perhaps feel that OM could come back and take your W at any time. But the only thing you can DO about that is work on making your M as great as it can be, and hope that he never comes back, and that if he does, by then you and your W will be so well connected that hopefully it will not pose a problem.
You say you know you and your wife will win in the long run, and I believe you WILL, because that positive attitude is what makes things happen!!!
QUOTE: "Why must there be some women who can't see what they have, when there are others out there who would kill to have me."
It's just human nature... the grass is always greener on the other side. I think she CAN see what she has, she's just focused on what she doesn't have right now, which is OM. As that fades, hopefully she will reaquaint herself with what she has in you.
You miss your confidence and stability? Well, you sound plenty confident and stable to me, I think you are selling yourself short there.
QUOTE:
"God I miss my life."
I feel the same way about mine! Normal life feels weirdly bleak and foreign. Again, I think this too shall pass! I have somehow kept my sense of humor through my ordeal, mailny out of stubborn refusal to part with it. Do try to remember that there is no proof life should be taken seriously.
QUOTE:
"I'm only the shell of the person I once was."
I really doubt that's true. You have kept your wits about you, maintained your integrity, and taken a pro-active attitude through this ordeal. It's just that you are battle fatigued, and your ego has taken the worst possible briusing. Focus on taking care of yourself, and try to get passionately engaged in your life interests again! This is KEY. Force yourself, and it will soon feel natural again. If your W is like most all women, there is nothing more appealing than a man who is fully engaged in his OWN life.
Your conviction about your marriage and your wife is fortunate and admirable... I think it will pay off. "Faint heart never won fair lady," as they say, as OM found out too late.
Your W and I are in VERY similar boats. I would like to chat with her actually, if she would be open to that? I wish I could leave my e-mail address for you, but for privacy reasons, I hesitate. If your wife would like someone to talk to who is going thru the same feelings, maybe she can set up a hotmail account for us to chat. If that appeals to her, let me know. Take Care, you are doing better than you think.
