Quote: The "desire" issue is really nagging at me right now. I'm starting to not want sex unless it comes from her desire for me. Is this other-validation at play?
Dave, could it be that whereas the frequency issue was at the forefront a little while ago, now the focus has shifted to a new issue? I'm thinking that it's more a question of quality than quantity for you at the moment. I don't think it's necessarily other-validation at work, I think you're maybe finding another level of gridlock to work on.
Quote: But the fact remains that I'm married to someone who is put into the mood by confrontation rather than seduction.
Are you sure you aren't pigeonholing her? Are you SURE about what you think? Are you sure that what you THINK is the case is actually REALITY? Have you talked with her about this?
Quote: I found myself fantasizing about my W responding to me in all the ways that I've wanted and it's made me depressed to think how much of a fantasy it really is.
How specific have you been with her about how you'd like her to respond to her? Have you shared these fantasies with her? This would be an act of self-disclosure, and therefore further differentiation, as well as intimacy. What she DOES with this information should be interesting.
Quote: Over the past 10 years, I had "freeze dried" my honeymoon feelings and lived in a state of "nostalgic acceptance" of our current state while living my own life alone in the marriage. Now that I'm trying to re-connect, I'm discovering that my feelings for her aren't nearly as loving as they used to be. I thought an increase in sex might rekindle those feelings in me. We've increased the frequency but I'm just not "feeling it".
Okay, so you've discovered something about yourself you didn't expect. Is that so much of a surprise? Maybe you should spend some time confronting yourself on that topic, put yourself in crucible on it, and see what emerges.
Quote: How do you express the values of differentiation when talking about yourself, then expect you partner to change so much about themselves?
You disclose your true self, and see what she does. You don't "expect" anything in particular, but her response will give you new information.
Quote: I'm feeling too scared to engage in another crappy session where she simply "does" me.
So theres something else you can challenge yourself on. This sounds like fusion to me.
Quote: I'm also having some feelings of the past come up. I'm feeling like she's taking me for granted and using me and I'm feeling resentful. She never has indicated what she loves or even likes about me.
And yet another possible crucible topic. Dave, don't give up just when things are getting interesting!
