Here we go!!!

[NotATLDave]

You know, it's very difficult to take a couple days off from this board and come back and see the same thing being repeated over and over. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely pearls worth clipping but I'm just feeling really hopeless again and not sure if there really is anything I can do.

The "desire" issue is really nagging at me right now. I'm starting to not want sex unless it comes from her desire for me. Is this other-validation at play? I'm not sure. But the fact remains that I'm married to someone who is put into the mood by confrontation rather than seduction.

I found myself fantasizing about my W responding to me in all the ways that I've wanted and it's made me depressed to think how much of a fantasy it really is.

I don't know what to say or do anymore. My feelings for her are very different now than they used to be. Over the past 10 years, I had "freeze dried" my honeymoon feelings and lived in a state of "nostalgic acceptance" of our current state while living my own life alone in the marriage. Now that I'm trying to re-connect, I'm discovering that my feelings for her aren't nearly as loving as they used to be. I thought an increase in sex might rekindle those feelings in me. We've increased the frequency but I'm just not "feeling it". How do you express the values of differentiation when talking about yourself, then expect you partner to change so much about themselves?

I'm not going to initiate at all this week. I'm feeling too scared to engage in another crappy session where she simply "does" me. I'll keep being good but I think I'll wait to see if she initiates anything out of "real desire" for me. If it doesn't happen, it might be time to emotionally distance myself and let her watch TV by herself at night. I have no idea what the right thing to do is anymore.

My W used to say that she loved her life and wouldn't change anything about it. This was before my effort to improve things. She now says that her desire for me simply required that I "participate" in the family more. Then why didn't she ask me to participate in the family more when she said her life was perfect? Is she really saying that she doesn't care if she has desire for me or not? I think the answer is clear. It still feels like she doesn't want to want. How long do I accept this? I could ask the magic question "why do you think I want to ML to you? and why do you want to make love to me?" I might even add..."what do you think my answers will be?" In this whole process, she seems to be slightly untruthful. She also keeps telling me "I'm sorry that I don't have some complex issue making me this way...I'm just a simple girl...what you see is what you get". WTF is this all about? Why is she saying these things now?

I'm also having some feelings of the past come up. I'm feeling like she's taking me for granted and using me and I'm feeling resentful. She never has indicated what she loves or even likes about me. Her BS and lack of confrontation tells me that she is simply conforming in order to make the marriage last but she's shooting herself in the foot because I'm finding her non-challenging now. Even the increase in LM is simply an intellectual adaptation to the stink I've been making and I'm starting to feel resentful again. Maybe I need to go to church with honey's H and have a relationship with an invisible man.

I'm rambling now...I probably just need sleep, vitamins and some food. I'm still wasted from this weekend.