ML last night...nothing too spectacular. She said she wasn't feeling like she wanted anything for herself but that she enjoyed being intimate and playing with me. She was sweet enough about it that I didn't interpret it as "obligation" sex. She approached it as a "manual massage" thing but it wasn't working for me though it felt very nice. I told her that I was having lots of trouble with just the "physical sensation" and no "connection" and that I had to look into her eyes and get her into my head to be aroused. During this exchange, she said something interesting. She said "I've never know you to be self-conscious". I'm not sure what that meant. Maybe she thought it had to do with my inability to lie there with my eyes closed. I should have asked for clarification. I finally told her that I really just wanted to ML and she got on top and did me for a while. I was still not too aroused but it felt great. We stopped after a while and went back to manual and it took dirty talk to get me over the edge.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Had good talk at dinner last night about PM. W has lots of assumptions that it's really a "logical book" for people who need to be told to "accept others for who they and learn to 'agree to disagree' peacefully" etc. I had to clarify the true nature of differentiation as "validating and soothing yourself while fearlessly and calmly being able to express yourself from a position of personal integrity". I also told her that my request to have her read PM and try to "push" it like I was was in direct violation of the principals it teaches. So I told her last night "take it or leave it...I don't really care if you read it or not...I'll just say that it made a significant impact on me and my relationship to others besides yourself." And really, I don't care if she ever reads it or anything else for that matter. I need to focus my energy on myself and my differentiation. Oddly, my request that she read PM was a fusion fantasy while my assertion last night (that I don't car) was an act of differentiation. I just wish I had more material to work with. We're both way too "easy going". We don't even care if she gets pregnant again or not in the next couple of years, hence our primitive form of birth control.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: She said "I've never know you to be self-conscious". I'm not sure what that meant.
I think that she meant that since she wasn't aroused, you might be embarrassed to be in an aroused/sexual state in front of her- the way someone who is drunk might be embarrassed or feel vulnerable around someone who is sober. Whereas you were really just feeling like her being "sexually sober" was a buzz-kill.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Quote: I told her that I was having lots of trouble with just the "physical sensation" and no "connection" and that I had to look into her eyes and get her into my head to be aroused. During this exchange, she said something interesting. She said "I've never know you to be self-conscious". I'm not sure what that meant.
I think she just wasn't in a head-space where she could "do" you. Maybe it would be good for the two of you to practice "doing" each other. This, of course, requires the EC, as you well know...
I just remembered some more pillow talk during this...
When we were talking about me not being able to be "done", she called me "selfish"...like I had to have some "feeling" of giving too. It was a very weird dynamic.
I also told her my revelation about a comment she used to make a long time ago that went like "how can we ML if you don't come to bed with me". I told her that I finally realized that her comment was a macro view of things...my lack of attention to her made her not desire me. But I also told her that I've been coming to bed with her every night with the slight chance that she might just happen to put her book down and say "let's f*ck!". She said she would "store that away for later".
It's kind of sad because I've been very attentive and involved in the family and that quote she used to make was really sort of coercive and cryptic. She obviously wasn't being literal or else she would have initiated at least once in the past 5 months.
I might need start doing the HTR with her when I get into bed at the start of a session. I've been carrying so much anxiety before we get into bed that I almost don't want to start. Last night did help matters at all. If she is going to "do" me, then I need to be able to give her "feedback" that it's spectacular and great and last night I couldn't physically do it...I tried to get my raging beast going but it wouldn't reach it's full potential. Only when we had sex, did it get super-hard. I can't believe I'm about to start having performance anxiety too.
Can someone please explain why I'm physically LD but can actually feel my connection disappear after a couple days then re-bond when we get tother. It's very weird.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: If she is going to "do" me, then I need to be able to give her "feedback" that it's spectacular and great and last night I couldn't physically do it...I tried to get my raging beast going but it wouldn't reach it's full potential.
Sounds to me like you were disconnecting and trying to "work yourself up" instead of trying to connect with your W and go from there... follow the connection. Looking into her eyes while she's "doing" you would be a very vulnerable thing to do, but it might get things flowing better...
Quote: --------- Can someone please explain why I'm physically LD but can actually feel my connection disappear after a couple days then re-bond when we get tother. It's very weird. ---------
Because you are not convinced that she wants to be there in the first place.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Looking into her eyes while she's "doing" you would be a very vulnerable thing to do, but it might get things flowing better...
Like I mentioned in my other post, that's exactly what I had to do keep from going completely wimpy. Also, her hair was covering her face and I couldn't see her eyes very well. I think I'll keep something in my night stand to tie her hair up. I just don't understand how guys can get BJs and handjobs from prostitutes and come. The feelings I get during these activities is more akin to a back massage...feels good but doesn't do much. I need a much greater erotic thing going on...hence the dirty talk last night. Boy, it was funny how I had to ask and how she got started with it last night. We were cracking up laughing.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: If she is going to "do" me, then I need to be able to give her "feedback" that it's spectacular and great and last night I couldn't physically do it...I tried to get my raging beast going but it wouldn't reach it's full potential. Only when we had sex, did it get super-hard. I can't believe I'm about to start having performance anxiety too
I've got to believe it can't be very erotic to get a handjob from someone who isn't aroused or becoming aroused by the act. Why should you tell her it's spectacular or great if it isn't? Even if she wasn't obviously bored doing it, she clearly wasn't indicating it was erotic for her on any level, so you were not able to enjoy the moment because you were concentrating on orgasming quickly in order to put an end to what was apparently a tedious task for her. I think she should make herself vulnerable for giving you a crappy handjob instead of making you feel vulnerable for not enjoying it.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Last night we did a HTR for about 10 minutes while in bed and we were talking about intimacy, sex, PM and some of the issues I had last night and how I feel under pressure to perform to give her good feedback. I even admitted that my emotional desire to be with her was exceeding my physical desire and that I'm able to feel a loss in connectedness when we aren't together frequently. I had to put a huge disclaimer on the fact that this in no way affected my 2x week frequency.
Basically folks, I'm feeling like a motivated LD these days. The desire is gone but I don't want to lose the emotional connection I'm feeling towards her. I hate to admit that I need sex to feel that way.
She was able to twist something I had mentioned about hugging as being possibly more intimate than LM into..."so maybe you need *this* (hugging) more frequently". I laughingly replied..."but I really like the sex". W: "I'm not saying sex isn't nice and fun, it's just that this does give a boost". Me: "well I agree, it IS intimate and feels good to hug...but now I actually DO want sex....now" (in a laughing way). So we proceeded to move forward. Note that neither of us had had showers all day and had been outside at the pool, sweating etc. She absolutely amazed me with her ability to even say yes. But again, she wasn't in a sex mood but I let her "do" me. And, like the other night, her lack of excitement made it hard to be excited so I did exectly what I shouldn't have done...I closed my eyes and let my mind wander off and focused on the sensations and not the connection. I guess the hugging filled the emotion pot and then I was just horny. I also felt like I had something to prove to myself...that I could be done.
Again, she gets very high marks for overcoming the need to be clean and have me be clean. She verbally admitted that she enjoys "doing" me even though she doesn't need it. I'm somewhat hoping the frequency will start having the "Davis Effect" on her and that her desire will start to increase. If the decrease in her resistance is any indicator of things, then we are on the right track. She doesn't hate sex and she admits to enjoying the time with me but that it just doesn't come into her head.
Maybe I stop initiating for a while and see if the pattern sticks or maybe I need to keep this up for a few more weeks with lackluster encounters. Not sure. I really shouldn't be initiating to "cure" her, but I keep thinking that it can only help. I really do want to be with her too and the emotional connection stays afloat with regular frequency. Hmmmm. I might see how I feel on a day-to-day basis. Like last night...I just wanted to be with her.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
