AD wrote: It was just that she was about to peak right when this happened (she on top) and I leaned forward to put my hands "behind" her and whacked her in the mouth with my head. _________________________
I too have found the "head butt" to be an effective tool to counter a W's lack of enthusiasm while ML. However, your proficiency with the manuever resulting in the loss of blood was particularly impressive.
Thank you. I will look for the book. So you think he doesn't "respect" me? Stupid question. How could he do the things he does while still respecting me? You know, I don't think he respects himself much. And about self-soothing, etc, yes, I like being alone with myself. I enjoy my own company, I can be alone and not be lonely. He on the other hand, cannot be alone without being engulfed in lonliness. That's a big part of the problem. I have an aging parent 2 states away and want to be there as much as possible. That means leaving him here alone, and lonely and drawn to the ow. How can I leave with any kind of comfort if I know that he will probably be with her while I'm gone. How can I continue to show passion and willingness to ML when I am wondering if she was in my bed while I was gone? It's a real romance killer. I wonder if while he's reaching for me in his sleep if it's really her he wants. He's even admitted once when I asked, that he didn't really know it was me at first. 1 point for an honest, but hurtful, answer. I don't want to bring you all down, you seem to have a great rapport here, and I appreciate your humor. Thanks for taking the time. By the way, female on top sounds rather dangerous, I almost got a black eye from being "boosted" a little to enthusiastically into the headboard. Try explaining that to my already skeptical girlfriends!
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
Just practically finished reading "How to Give Her Complete Pleasure" by Lou Paget.
Nothing mind blowing but I picked up a couple of things that will be nice to try. My knuckle twist isn't mentioned but the two handed equivalent is - for those poor uncoordinated LD men who need two hands to do the work of an HD's one.
Hey, I just erased a paragraph about my mission to find the g-spot. I was always under the impression that it was tucked way up inside behind that round, protruding structure (the urethra maybe?). I assumed this by the shape of g-spot specific sex toys which seem like long, curved probes. BUT, I just went to about.com and found an article about this and it says that the little, textured area, the size of quarter which is in the 12 o'clock position about 1.5 inches behind the clitoris is in fact, the g-spot!!! Very cool. My special "trick" works the g-spot and the clitoris at the same time!
Anyway, while this book doesn't provide much in terms of creativity and "secrets", it made realize that I can learn to be much more "in tune" with her body by paying attention, and listening to her breathing etc.
When she woke up to go upstairs, I was still reading it and gave her a "smirky" look like I knew some new dastardly new tricks! She looked at me and playfully ran out of the room saying "eek...you're scaring me!". I actually made enough "moves" on her tonight to indicate that I was in the mood but she was pooped out and made it very clear that she was "going to sleep". Her loss...I was ready to try some new moves.
Well, I'm now going to read hers. If we each only learn 1 thing from each book, then they were worth it.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
How can I leave with any kind of comfort if I know that he will probably be with her while I'm gone. How can I continue to show passion and willingness to ML when I am wondering if she was in my bed while I was gone? It's a real romance killer. I wonder if while he's reaching for me in his sleep if it's really her he wants. He's even admitted once when I asked, that he didn't really know it was me at first.
Yah, I glossed over the self-soothing thing and didn't clarify it very well. Self-soothing or "holding onto oneself" is not about being comfortable with yourself, alone...this quote is what it's all about. Being able to be completely relaxed and calm when you are in these situations and especially when you are standing up for yourself and confronting him.
Quote:
He on the other hand, cannot be alone without being engulfed in lonliness. That's a big part of the problem
That's HIS problem, not yours.
I'm a little bit scared to offer advice because your sitch involves a current E&PA. Once you gain some insights through PM, you will then be able to post with a better understanding of your own sitch. Right now, any advice from this board (SSM and other forums) would be "hack" advice. I heard someone tell you to fire your therapist because she said to dump him. I agree that C's are mostly wrong but one who tells you not too might be just as wrong. I know this is tough because your 1 integrity point says "preserve the family" and the other says "don't accept a person into your life who is unfaithful". They contradict one-another. I'm scratching my head on this one because it's a 2-choice dilemma that you shouldn't have to make.
BTW. On the topic of "respect". From the good qualities I mentioned about my W, I *do* respect her. Please don't go thinking that I was saying that your H, unilaterally, doesn't respect you. I was only talking about my sitch.
You should open up a thread here. There's some great folks here who might be able to help but it will be done very "gingerly" because your sitch is much more dramatic than ours.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Anyway, my thought when reading about your W falling asleep was that I would have at least attempted to wake her up and get things going. I could see her point that if you just left her sleeping, you weren't really giving her a chance. You just took her falling asleep as a personal rejection. At least if you had woken her up and she STILL wasn't interested, then you would've had some concrete info to work with, instead of just assumption.
I'm glad you posted this because I didn't "see it". So, yesterday evening I ended up apologizing for this and she was appreciative.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Well I would have loved to push for some BT (bed time) tonight, but I'm going to be night mountain biking to prepare for a 24 hour race this weekend. I'm feeling really "edgy" these past couple of days and I'm not certain why. Maybe it's withdrawals from the Prednisone cycles last week. Exercise isn't helping this feeling. This "edginess" makes me feel like I need more sex. Pushing for the Mon night BT was a byproduct of this "edginess" and it didn't relieve things.
I feel like this frog in a fairy tale that I read to my D5. The frog pleads with the princess to kiss him so that he will turn into a prince. She finally does and says "just kidding" and she has to wipe frog slime off her lips.
"Do me and I will turn into a happy prince"
Part of my anxiety has to do with a fear that I'm going to be dealing with this for a long time. If I ever complain, she will probably throw the "frequency" in my face.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: Part of my anxiety has to do with a fear that I'm going to be dealing with this for a long time. If I ever complain, she will probably throw the "frequency" in my face.
I would guess that maybe "frequency" was only the FIRST issue. There are probably others. Also, maybe you aren't REALLY up to "minimum" frequency yet! (what a thought!). Also, while it doesn't sound like "quality" is really an issue for you, maybe something along that line is...
As the trail twisted through trees and over roots, it opened up into a clearing with the full moon, peeking out from behind golden ribbons of clouds. The air was cool and the dew was causing the fragrance of all the vegetation to be released into the air. Whippoorwills were singing, crickets chirping and fireflies leaving tracers in the air in front of me.
I want so desperately to be able to share moments like this with my W. My biggest challenge in our marriage will be to introduce her to the joys of mountain biking without overwhelming her. I can't help but think of Schnarch on his hikes when I think of climbing the North Georgia Mountains with my W. There is so much potential for joy in the accomplishment. She is a person who has a long history of "not trying", "quitting when it gets hard", and "failing but not re-attempting". This is where I'm polar opposites with her. I need to figure out ways to give her small successes and show that she can really trust me. Because she doesn't "invent" any challenges of her own, then I guess it gives me a chance to introduce her to "my world" but in a very measured dose.
I was "edgy" before I left but I'm feeling pretty good now. Adrenaline, endorphins and burning 3000 calories is a pretty decent substitute for sex. Night riding always has this soothing affect on me. There's something about it for the ADD brain because the way it makes you focus on things. I need a shower and some sleep now. Good night moon.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Quote: My biggest challenge in our marriage will be to introduce her to the joys of mountain biking without overwhelming her. I can't help but think of Schnarch on his hikes when I think of climbing the North Georgia Mountains with my W. There is so much potential for joy in the accomplishment.
Dave, just be aware that some fantasies are not self-fulfilling, and some are destined to remain just fantasies. Nice ones, no doubt, but fantasies nonetheless. Take my model airplane hobby, for instance. W has not only expressed no interest in it, but actually negative interest. She does NOT like noisy, smelly, greasy, dangerous things, and she does NOT like model airplanes. Nothing about the hobby thrills her... quite the opposite - it seems to embody everything she DOESN'T like. So as much as I might want to share this with her, I accept that this is one area where we will forever be differentiated. I respect that, and I don't spend any time trying to convince her how much fun it is. She, for her part, knows how much joy it gives me, and how much fun I have with it, and she respects that. Intellectually she understands what I get out of the hobby, and how it challenges me, and she's fine with it, although she does sometimes complain about the money I spend on it. For my part, I try to make sure that most of the money I spend on it is "mine", such as birthday money, and other gift money, so it doesn't negatively impact our household budget.
I'm not suggesting you will not be able to share your hobby with your W, just that you should realize that this MIGHT be the case...
And also to let you know that my H loves hiking. I'm talking really looong hikes of 15 miles or more. Me...I can "hike" for 2 or 3 miles before I start to become crabby with it. I will go with him (or did before we had little kids to contend with) but I will never do it all the time, nor will I ever share a fraction of the enthusiasm that he does.
What we DID do, however, was to find a way that we can both enjoy the outdoors together. We bought these cheap bikes (I know you will be horrified at this, lol) and we go for bike rides. He gets his exercise, I get to be outside, we spend time together and neither of us is let down at all. Oh and we bought a bike trailer and can take the kids with us, too, although that sortof ruins the Mom&Dad quality time thing goin on.
My point is that you might have to find a way to incorporate her into your life without having an expectation that she will love it or begin to want it on her own. In fact, it might come off sounding arrogant to her..."If you only knew more about it, you would love it" Well maybe she would and maybe she wouldn't.
Picture if she had a hobby, say scrapbooking, that she wanted you to participate in. You REALLY did not have much interest in this but you DO have an interest in your wife so you agree to go to a scrapbook party and help out with making some pages of your family next time she does it. Is this sending a chill up your spine? (it is mine, incidentally!)
So maybe you should have several plans in mind for how to go about finding mutual recreation together. Not you bringing her over to your hobbies or vice versa, but the both of you doing something entirely different that works for each of you.
P.S. I do NOT understand how a person can ride 30 miles on a mountain trail. Last summer (over the 4th of July weekend) I surprised H with a trip to a lodge and we took our bikes and rode 5 miles on the trail. Honestly I thought I would die several times. I know that H probably felt like he does when riding with D4 with her training wheels but we had a blast!!! He still talks about this trip, in fact. So.............it wasn't hiking (which is what we have always done when we go to this lodge) but we still managed to find something that appealed to us both.
Food for thought! Glad you enjoyed your ride last night...sounded beautiful.
