It looked like your reply was to Tim but I just noticed that it was to SuperDave. I've read your sitch on the other boards along with this reply and I feel pretty bad for you with what your H is doing.
Anyway, your post (and your other threads) are very "telling". I would highly recommend that you slow down, and try to work on some of this anxiety you are feeling. Step 2 would be to stop analyzing your H and definitely stop taking ANY responsibility for how he feels. Your goal should not be to understand *him*, but rather understand yourself, your values, and your integrity. By integrity, I'm talking about a type of integrity that represents something very personal to who you are...not an idealized definition of the word as it applies to our church leaders etc. 3rd step would be to get a copy of Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch...it's only like $15 on Amazon and is worth every penny if you are feeling even a fraction of the anxiety that I detect in your posts. This book has changed the lives of many people on this board. I know we sound like broken records, but it's true. Granted, you are in a much more difficult position than most of us in this forum. We aren't dealing with infidelity. PM isn't a "recipe book"...it's very theoretical but it gives you an excellent understanding of "what happened" and why. You mention things like dates and romance..,trust me, these things are "fluff" compared to the real poop that's happening underneath most marriages. Recipe books that recommended "sheduled date nights" are only good for 2 clueless people in a relationship, scratching their heads wondering why their marriage sucks. PM gets to the heart of (the majority) marriages where one person acts radically different than the other and provides a good "forensic" toolkit for understanding these things.
My W is a perfect mother, homemaker, great cook, hilariously funny, great personality, sociable, kind to my parents and others, loves small animals and children, goes to church, volunteers and keeps my clothes clean. Everyone she comes into contact with thinks she's "awesome". I was on the verge of having an affair partially because of the SSM but upon closer inspection and PM etc. I discovered that there were some real issues below the surface and I was responsible for a lot of it. My W doesn't stand up for herself and used to let me get away with treating her less than equal. Her lack of desire was obvious but she was even too fearful to explain her lack of desire as anything but a natural occurrence amongst married people. So here's 2 things that drove me from her...first, I had little respect for her because she wouldn't stand up for herself and her values and secondly because she showed no desire for me while other women did. It's a simple recipe for disaster.
When I realized how messed up things were, I responded with more romance, flowers, gifts, dates, pleas for intimacy, conversation, quality time, while at the same time I was doing every act of service possible. Guess what?...the sexual frequency didn't increase and the times we did ML, she made it awful. While she couldn't verbalize what she really wanted, I discovered what she really needed from me by reading PM. It was for me to simply be "me" but also defend "me" and express "me" and soothe "me" then offer "me" to ML to "her". Why? because she once fell in love with "me". We both adapted to the assumptions of who we thought each other was and like two moving targets, we never could connect. While our sex has increased a ton, there is still a problem with her defending herself and I'm still having "respect" problems with her. We (all couples) differentiate at the same level. I recently realized that my lack of differentiation came mostly from "other-validation" and lack of ability to "self-soothe". I would also not defend my integrity though I could candidly share myself. My W on the other hand is a master of self-soothing and self-validation but absolutely awful at sharing her true self and defending her integrity. Put a number to all these elements and the sum of each of our scores would be equal. This is a critical thing to know but it will require PM to "get it" right.
I'm guessing that your sitch is salvageable. I posted a question to the Victims of Affairs in the infidelity board and I saw that you replied. You were one of the only people who took a little responsibility and seemed to (now) understand the importance of sexual desire balance. Most of the others were so seemingly hurt by the situation, that they could only point their finger at their cheating spouse without realizing that they have 4 more fingers pointing back at themselves.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
