Dave, Wow, we're really burning up these boards today, aren't we? I have read your posts, and mean to respond, but it's been a busy day. Anyway, my thought when reading about your W falling asleep was that I would have at least attempted to wake her up and get things going. I could see her point that if you just left her sleeping, you weren't really giving her a chance. You just took her falling asleep as a personal rejection. At least if you had woken her up and she STILL wasn't interested, then you would've had some concrete info to work with, instead of just assumption. That's the thing I'm working on with W... getting the communication on an EXPLICIT footing, instead of just making assumptions. Too often in the past, when she picks me up from work and starts ragging about all the things stressing her out, I've just taken that as a blanket declaration of "Don't even go there", and I didn't. Now, instead, I've decided to go ahead and try anyway, just to see what happens. After what happened last night, I also plan to say something like "I'm going to be initiating a LOT more often in the near future, and while I don't expect to be successful ALL the time, I do expect you to at least consider the idea, and whether it is at ALL feasible, and then decline only if you really MUST, instead of making a judgement earlier in the evening that you're just not up to it tonight." During our convo last night, at one point I said that her reaction when I suggested taking a shower told me that the possibility of sex hadn't even ENTERED her mind, because we had just ML the night before, but she said that on the contrary, she had EXPECTED me to initiate, and had judged AHEAD of time that she would decline, but hadn't gotten around to telling me that before I brought it up. Needless to say, I found that even MORE insulting, since she had invalidated even the possibility even before anything had a chance to happen. I think the thing I'm working towards is that on ANY given evening, the possibility would exist, and if either of us brings it up, the other would consider it, roll it around in their mind, and then either accept, or decline for good reason, and offer an alternate. That, to me, would be the best situation...
I have read your posts, and mean to respond, but it's been a busy day. Anyway, my thought when reading about your W falling asleep was that I would have at least attempted to wake her up and get things going. I could see her point that if you just left her sleeping, you weren't really giving her a chance. You just took her falling asleep as a personal rejection. At least if you had woken her up and she STILL wasn't interested, then you would've had some concrete info to work with, instead of just assumption. That's the thing I'm working on with W... getting the communication on an EXPLICIT footing, instead of just making assumptions. Too often in the past, when she picks me up from work and starts ragging about all the things stressing her out, I've just taken that as a blanket declaration of "Don't even go there", and I didn't. Now, instead, I've decided to go ahead and try anyway, just to see what happens. After what happened last night, I also plan to say something like "I'm going to be initiating a LOT more often in the near future, and while I don't expect to be successful ALL the time, I do expect you to at least consider the idea, and whether it is at ALL feasible, and then decline only if you really MUST, instead of making a judgement earlier in the evening that you're just not up to it tonight." During our convo last night, at one point I said that her reaction when I suggested taking a shower told me that the possibility of sex hadn't even ENTERED her mind, because we had just ML the night before, but she said that on the contrary, she had EXPECTED me to initiate, and had judged AHEAD of time that she would decline, but hadn't gotten around to telling me that before I brought it up. Needless to say, I found that even MORE insulting, since she had invalidated even the possibility even before anything had a chance to happen. I think the thing I'm working towards is that on ANY given evening, the possibility would exist, and if either of us brings it up, the other would consider it, roll it around in their mind, and then either accept, or decline for good reason, and offer an alternate. That, to me, would be the best situation...
