Here we go!!!

[NotATLDave]

Ok folks,

I turned up the volume a bit tonight and I think my W had a crucible moment though it seemed "mild" if there's such a thing. Here's how it went down.

Today (my sanctioned ride day), I had a big, long ride with some of my racing buddies and got home around 7:00, cleaned up, dressed a little nicer than usual and even shaved, then put D5 to bed and at 8pm, joined W and settled in for Sun PM TV night. We were watching "Sweet Home Alabama" which I've seen extensively on westbound flights. We were waiting for the Sopranos which didn't come on tonight. So I asked if we go upstairs for a little 1 on 1 time because I just wasn't into watching this same TV show. She responded do we have to go now? I said, "well, I think I'll go up and I would love to have you come, but I'm not going to sit around and watch this again, but if we had some ice cream or something, I might stay".

Ok folks, at this point, I'm sure you are disappointed in me for turning down the pressure but the truth was that I was over 4000 calories in the red from today and was ravenous...I really wanted something to eat and I knew I wouldn't be able to sit in the bedroom and wait without coming back down for something to eat. I truly could be happy having my snack (first priority) while hanging out with her. It was sort of a compromise but my stomach wasn't feeling very differentiated tonight...it was needy and it took control over my brain.

So I did hang out with her and she said she was in the mood for a "dumb, salad-like" movie. We watched to the end while I ate a whole variety of foods. When it was over, I came up with her and watched her get in bed, close her eyes, and pull the covers over her head. I got up, turned off the light and started to leave the room.

W: "What are you doing?"
M: "Letting you sleep...I'm not tired"
W: "Then why did you get in bed?"
M: "I thought we were going to have some time together"
W: (pissed) "Ok, fine...let's go"
M: "No, it's really ok...you are obviously very sleepy, I'll go read in the other room".
W: (even more firm and tense) "Come on, *let's* go!"
M: "Seriously, it's fine...I don't want to. You made your choice, you decided to watch the movie and go to sleep AND THAT'S FINE....good night, I love you"

And I left. But after reading an article, I started thinking that I might have violated my integrity by not at least giving her her nightly "good night kiss" (do I suck or what). So I went back in and she was still awake. I came up and gave her a kiss and let her know that I just wanted to give her her nightly kiss and let her know that she is fine by me. She was very relieved to hear this but we initiated a brief discussion and I can't remember how it came to the following..

W: "I really DID miss you today, and I do love cuddling and being physical with you...but I just wasn't feeling like being cuddly with anyone because I was at the pool and in the sun and " (blah blah blah) (the crucible heats up..)
M: "Then why didn't you say something when I was talking about being together?"
W: "Well, I just don't want you to get upset with me" (crucible is cooking now because even she is not buying this load of BS)
M: "Listen, all I ask is that, if I start talking about spending some time together along with shaving and cleaning up nicely..."
W: "oh God!" (she realized that I was thinking about this from the minute I came home)
M: "...that, at that point in time, I have no expectations and my heart hasn't 'engaged' into anything yet. So I really would prefer that you share these "feelings" before I get my expectations set and get into bed to see you with the covers pulled over your head...this feels much worse than telling me at my first sign of initation (it's 'rejection' but I'm avoiding using that word).
W: (getting anxious again) "But, I thought I told you that I just wanted to watch a dumb movie" (crucible time...she just realized that she 'avoids' standing up for herself and her feelings)
M: "Well, I assumed that you are wanted to watch the movie to relax a little, then we would go to bed for some together time"
W: (sincerely) "Oh, I'm sorry I wasn't clear enough...I just thought it was obvious"
M: "When I say I want to be with you and you don't feel like it...tell me 'I don't feel like it tonight but we can spend some time together tomorrow or some other time soon" (If I weren't such a dumbass, I would have told her that this is a perfect example of "making yourself vulnerable" but I don't want to overuse the special PMisms).
W: "But I thought you needed 4 days between "being together" before you start getting "edgy".
M: "Oh geez, that's the bare minimum..."
W: (interrupts with an something akin to an eyeroll) "Oh brother" (no longer in crucible but don't worry, it was there long enough to register)
M: "....It's not like riding my bike where I DO get edgy if I don't do it consistently. It's all about boosting my emotional connection to you and I would like to have a little emotional money in the bank instead of letting it always deplete. It really boosts my connection to you. (not sure if this is undifferentiated but I just felt like saying because it's true still) Plus, I was probably in the mood tonight because it was so long before we got together last Friday night"
W: (smirky laugh) "But you got 2 for the price of one."
M: "Oh, come on...you know it's got nothing to do with orgasms"
W: (laughing) "geez, I know, I'm just kidding". (note that Gottman would like this use of humor)
M: "Well, tomorrow's a holiday, you should get your sleep to be well rested" (I have no idea why I'm saying this...I sort of do because it's a response to her comment about the pool making her tired)
W: "Wait, what does that mean?...I'm I missing something?"
M: "Like I said, when I want to be with you, the feeling doesn't exactly go away overnight. If you can manage your energy enough to slot some time tomorrow night, that would be great and if you still aren't feeling it, just remember what I asked...tell me if you aren't feeling like it"

Ok folks, at this point, I'm probably making a big mistake by offering her "outs" but I feel like this is a thin line between coercion and motivation. She definitely gets the point. I would have absolutely loved to ML to her tonight and it would have been "perfect" as far as timing goes. I am dying to combine a big day of riding with ML (think about George Castanza on Seinfeld when he was ML and pulled out a sub sandwich to combine eating with ML).

W: "ok" (she's still being 'light' and sweet)
M: "btw, I just wanted to say that I've enjoyed everything you've been doing lately...I really feel like there's some good sizzle in the R"
(she seemed to be instantly irritated with the last sentence and me, being undifferentiated again rephrased it...). I mean, I just wanted to say that it feels like we are "married" again."

(Not sure if that was better, but I think it reinforces the point that she's beginning to live up to my definition of what a marriage is supposed to be).

W: "That's nice" (probably trying to get me to shut up)
M: "Anyway, get some sleep"

I'm starting to understand the "process". There is not a magic convo that will instantly push them into a PM-like crucible where they experience some sort of overwhelming breakthrough in understanding about themselves. It's more like a creative way of reminding them to examine a particular issue without having to define the issue for them...you simply state how their behavior affected you and then let them associate an issue with it. BTW. I think Schnarch probably gives the "digest" version of his sessions and the "breakthroughs" are probably the result of multiple sessions.

BTW. I knew my initiation would be a long shot. We had a session Fri night that was unbelievably intense to the point that I didn't want anyone physically near me the next morning. This feeling was a first for me which made it easier understand my W's feelings. I assumed that she probably felt the same but that hers lingers for days instead of hours (like me). That's why I initiated. It might push her to deal better with these feelings.

One of the things I keep thinking about is re-addressing the "frequency". She mentioned "every 4 days" but that's not bi-weekly because it fudges out 1 day. I started trying to rephrase it tonight as a process to "increase my emotional connection and feelings towards her". I'm hoping to use this as a "crucible inducing" 2-choice dilemma - "ML more frequently and have a husband who feels connected to me OR don't and risk having my husband not have good feelings towards me". I'm still working this one out as it seems more manipulative and any advice would help.

I better go. Good night folks.