Ok, I talked about how my W and I lived "disconnected" for 10 years and "did our own things" and learned to be single and self sufficient. Until tonight, I've been thinking that we were actually "differentiated" because we didn't need each other. And that my Jan. "anxiety-control-fusion" attempt was my only dip into the world of fusion because we've had a very easy time changing things (which Schnarch attributes to good differentiation). But I've been stewing because something didn't seem quite right with the assessment. It was too "tidy". I even thought that my W was obviously so much more differentiated because of her lack of interest in me etc. But the idea that couples are *always* equally differentiated had me struggling to figure out the real dynamic and (duh, now it's obvious) it's the most disgusting display of fusion ever. Ironically, I've been addressing it alot lately with her but just didn't "see" the big picture.
My W and I both "adapted" to the fact that neither of us were having our needs fulfilled. In this case, "adaption" is the wrong term. Let me rephrase..."My W and I both 'severely compromised our own integrity' by not asserting ourselves and our vision of what a marriage should be."
Wow. In our "talks", I now keep telling her that I want her to "stand up for what's right" because I'm going to stand up for myself. Now she's going to see an excellent reason to. She going to see what adapting "really means". I'm I nuts for wanting to be married to someone who makes demands of me? I would love it! It would be really fun as long as she lets me pay someone else to mow the yard.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
