Hey Dave, Here's a question for you. When you say that you want her to initiate, what would a good initiation be for you? Are you wanting a physical initiation where she touches you or kisses you passionately? Or are you wanting her to say the words, although in a more sexy way than "are you wanting bedtime tonight?" (yuck!)
I am curious cause H always says, Just grab it. This has never appealed to me and I don't know why! Probably cause he is so flinch-y and weird about being touched that I would inevitably pick the wrong time. We even discussed that last night. I told him that my timing stinks and that I have a very hard time reading when he is needing affection or would be open to a little sexiness. (note: I think I read him pretty good and there really AREN'T that many times when he wants this, but I was trying to keep everything on me)
I was thinking that I could start whispering sexy things in his ear of what we could do later...a delayed invite of sorts. That way, the kids could be present without anything inappropriate happening (except Dad's ensuing hardon, LOL) and he would have time to mentally prepare for bedtime. Also it might give him some incentive to stay awake!!
Oh and I wasn't referring to your candle night. I had forgotten about that, actually. Did she light it as a way of initiating or did she light it after things were already underway? I was trying to think of ways that she could do it that make HER comfortable. I saw the cutest pillowcase online the other day..one side said, Desire and the other said, Sleep. Or something like that. You flipped the pillow based on how you were feeling that night.
Plus, I think that the easier we make it on our partners (not to make it effortless but just easier) the better they will succeed. For instance, one of the things on H's Sexy List last night was that he likes giving me massages with oil. I retorted that he coulda fooled me since he NEVER does it. He said that the thought of having to get up out of bed, go get a dish and heat the oil up in the micro just sucked the fun out of it for him. He said that if I was willing to tolerate the cold oil, he would do it more often. I said that in the summertime, I'd be glad to do the cold oil but that in wintertime it has to be heated; it is already hard enough for me to lay there naked in the freezing air. I suggested that I go heat it up and he didn't want to do that. Anyway, my point is that the simpler I make the process, the more successful it will be. I believe that it will be the same with your W.
Welcome IHJ, to the journey where the light at the end of the tunnel always seems so far away and dim... At least you've got all of us wierdos to help you along! SD
As for initiation, I would love to have her whisper that she wants to ML, or grope me beyond the "joke threshold". Hinting about it hours in advance would be really cool too. It's not too complicated. I guess I still want a little bit of validation that she thinks I'm a sexy guy and that she actually feels horniness sometimes and offer it out of the blue.
Regarding your oil, I must say that the biggest hit in our bedroom is the Kama Sutra Can O' Earthly Delights which has a variety of oils and creams that warm, cool, scintillate etc. along with honey-powder and a feather duster. We both really enjoy playing with this stuff and the oils heat up by rubbing your hands together.
A note about the oil, I bet you could store a small botttle of oil in (real) thermos filled with hot water. Heck, you could put the hot water in it in the morning and it would still be hot at night. Just an idea.
What's funny is all of the paraphernalia we are accumulating in our night stands.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
Maybe the reason she has trouble with initiating is that she feels she's not being entirely honest. She doesn't want to convey that she's super horny when she's really just doing it to be nice or loving. I can only be assertive when initiating if I am quite aroused or a little tipsy.
It's much easier for men to initiate. It goes against all cultural training for a woman to have to do it. If you were to go to a bar and start hitting on women, you'd expect or at least be able to deal with a certain level of rejection. If I went to a bar dressed attractively, I'd expect that someone would try to pick me up if I just acted reasonably friendly. Sometimes I have to wonder what stops all of us HD women from doing just that. We must be paragons of moral rectitude. LOLOL
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Dave, Thanks for the ideas! Oils that heat up when you rub them..of COURSE! Sometimes I can be so dense. We have that 'heating up KY' which btw is a lot of hype, and had some of that heatup oil many many years ago (before things went south, and fast) so that will be a good thing to look into. And BLAST IT ALL my birthday was just last weekend. What a good thing to have put on my list, lol. We do have a real thermos though and I actually think that H would like that idea, as weird as it might sound to some!
I think that our spouses deal with sexual uncomfortable-ness with humor. That is a knee jerk response with H, too, and one that has been VERY hard for him to break. He wants to joke his way out of being real with me. And then he wants ME to begin the process of being real and then all he has to do is follow suit, after he has settled down.
Regarding your nightstand, here is another practical question for you: I think your daughter is 5, right? What are your plans as far as storing your goodies? We currently do not have any goodies beyond lube and my vibrator which never sees the light of day, anyway. Or the night light, either! But I would like to slowly incorporate some things into our life (slowly and with much resistance, as evidenced in my "dud" thread) but don't know how to keep them away from little eyeballs. I was even thinking of looking into a nightstand with a lock on it. Personally, I am okay with teaching them to just stay away from M&D's nightstands but I know that H would require something more impenetrable. Like with padlocks and chains and an electric fence around it.
MM wrote: It's much easier for men to initiate. It goes against all cultural training for a woman to have to do it. ____________________________________
Is it really true that it's easier for men to initiate? I agree that we're conditioned to be the initiators, but do men really find it easy to do?
Schnarch talked in PM (Chap.10) how that some men had "done" other women but never their wives because of their "good girl v. bad girl" ideas. If it was easy for men to initiate because we're "made that way", would the "good v. bad girl" ideas exist?
IOW, men initiate easily with those they perceive as receptive to their advances ("bad girls") but not with those who make them SDHDs (Shot Down HDs), whether in reality or just in their minds. IMHO.
I didn't mean it was easy for men to initiate, just that men in our culture are taught that it is up to them. I remember being embarrassed once because my elderly neighbor asked me "Why are you mowing the lawn? Why don't you get that husband of yours to do it?" It's like that but 100 times worse .
Quote: men initiate easily with those they perceive as receptive to their advances ("bad girls") but not with those who make them SDHDs (Shot Down HDs), whether in reality or just in their minds.
It seems to me if this is true, then men have an odd way of deciding whether a woman is "bad" or "good". For instance, having large breasts has little to do with a woman's sex drive or moral restraint.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
My hormones were all out of whack after either being pregnant or nursing for about 7 years, I was always too tired for anything but sleep. Now, I'm done nursing, I've started exercizing, lifting weights, stamina has increased, desire increased, feeling sexy again (which I had not for a long long long time). Now he's the problem. I have felt what it's like to have the shoe on the other foot, and do not like it, but I feel like it's Karma or something. Increasing my understanding of what I've put him through.
Each experience in life has formed me, become part of me, made me stronger.
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