It seems top me that at some point in your marriage, your wife must have felt the need to withdraw from you for some reason. Being more loving and increasing the level of intimacy overall seems to be working.
I'll bring you up to speed.... There's a very specific reason for her withdrawal. When we got married, I was completely focused on work and combined with my "asberger-like" hyperfocus mentality, I would lose track of time and commitments. I'd frequently come home at midnight from my office. She felt abandoned and alone a lot of the time and I was too engrossed in myself and my work to notice. Even though she would profess her love to me and praise the life I was making for her, her sex drive was gone. Unfortunately she's not very expressive about her needs and instead of standing up for herself, she adapted (ie. compromised her own integrity). She learned to live independently and so did I (comprimised my own integrity). Our domestic enterprise was/is very efficient because we compliment(ed) each other perfectly in our home roles. I assumed that our relationship was normal and that sex drives simply decrease...after all, my parents never had sex .
The decrease after the marriage I attributed to the marriage. Then I took a little responsibility for it when I was working so much, but I didn't really care. Then I blamed the birth of our D5. Then I thought it had to do with resentment for me relocating the family for a new job. All along, my W and I never fought, argued, or dealt with conflict. Everything operated smoothly except the sex. I even tried to withhold for a year...the joke was on me because she didn't even notice. I complained a lot and W couldn't think of any reason why her desire was low. She even asked her gyno who asked "can you O?". W said "yes" Gyno: "Then you don't have a problem".
Then a year ago, my focus turned a little bit away from work...I was thinking that it was unhealthy. I started competitive cycling which required me to come home from work more often and I was simply spending a little more time together w/ W and D5 but not including them in any of my decisions etc. I was still ED a bit. Then in Feb '03, my company made us move to home offices which helped me avoid the traps I was mentioning before. Now I could have dinner every night and spend more time with the family. On Jan 1, my W told me that she's thinking that her new years resolution is to try to be a bit more physical. Wow. Theoretically, I could have just been a bump on the log, business-as-usual but this was an invitation to have a relationship again and I got very excited. V-day sex was great and so was a session a week after. I then started fusing really badly and overwhelmed her. Especially the pressure of analyzing her every move and looking for validation. Note that my other sources of validation dried up in Jan (being a project lead, being a winning racer, etc). So I was desperately pointing my hyperfocus spotlight on anything that would validate me. I pointed it at her and she felt like a deer caught in the headlights. For about month, I was totally freaking out because the sex got bad and things were going in reverse.
I called a C in March and in the first 5 minutes of our appointment, she told me to chill out my anxiety and compulsion, to stop taking responsibility for how my W feels and to read Schnarch. That's the only thing we got out of the sessions unfortunately. But it was exactly what fixed things...especially reading Schnarch. My W has been wonderful lately and has given some great sex and I'm not having to do anything different than I did a year ago except give her "consideration" when making plans and decisions. Oh, and to clean up after myself and not irritate her.
Oddly, the increase in sex has helped me be less talkative (aka irritating), calmer, more focused on her and the family. I'm finding myself thinking about getting treats for her when I'm at the drug store. In other words, she is becoming part of my daily mindset.
This week was a milestone. It's the first time in my life that I've balanced work, recreation and family in healthy doses where I didn't "exceed" in any particular area but was still happy with it. When I get laid off, I'm sure I'll get some good practice differentiating. . But maybe exceeding people's expectations is unnecessary and unhealthy, My boss has asked me to "not be so good to clients" because inevitably it will burn me when I can no longer sustain that level of service. Exceeding expectations is a double-edged sword. I'm rambling now. I think you can see my sitch a little better now.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
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