W was pretty cold throughout the day and I had to work hard at assuming it wasn't me...afterall, I've been a pretty decent guy this weekend. We went to movie and got home from movie D5 spending night out. Dialog....
W: (nicely) "I know you are hoping to have some 'bed' time...."
M: (getting worried about a gentle rejection) "Um, are you not feeling up for anything?"
W: "Oh, no...I didn't mean that exactly, I'm just worried that *you* might not want to do it because of 'things'." (implying period) "I was thinking I could give you a massage and take care of you etc."
M: "Ok...I'll shower off"
W: "You took a shower before the movie"
M: "Let's just say I get a little self-conscious too and wouldn't want to limit any options"
W" "Ok...I'll be up in a minute"
W (to my surprise) took care of all the details like getting a towel out for the massage, lit candles, took care of the dog. I got out of the shower and brought out the big can of kama sutra oils and creams and lit another candle. No details about what ensued but without actually ML but I could tell that she was really "feeling it" and actually enjoying the things she was doing to me. We were having one of the most intimate sessions and my W for the first time ever released a ILY in a style that was more vulnerable-passionate than ever before. Despite all the stuff we did, this was what I remember most fondly about the evening. I had to ask her....
M: "You know, you mentioned before that you were worried that *I* might not want to "be with" you right now. Doing it at this time of the month is not a problem for me at all and I would love to if you would like it too"
W: (completely anxious) "Um..oh..I really am not...um, I just am feeling so...I mean, it's not that it wouldn't feel ok, I mean I'm just really self consicous."
I completely comforted her and assured her that I wouldn't mind not doing it and that what we were currently doing was fine. The point I need to mention is that I watched her struggle with this for a minute and could tell that she was trying everything in her power to get over her anxiety. I thought that any second, she would say ok but I was very proud of her for simply trying so hard to overcome it.
It's interesting that we used to do it when we were dating but not now. I wonder if the part of differentiation where you expose your true self without fear of losing the love of someone is a dynamic in this. Like I've been scared to stand up for myself out of fear that she won't like me and she's scared to expose herself to that degree (ml on period) because of fear that I might think she's gross or something.
It made me realize that intimacy doesn't have to be about candles, closeness, good aromas, and movie style love making. Intimacy is simply "sharing yourself"...the good, the bad and the ugly (hopefully more good though). If we are going to get old together, we are going to eventually be dealing with issues like the situation my mom is going through with my dad where the cancer is making him do some pretty disgusting things and exposing her to smells and other things that aren't so nice. The ability to not be as "sterile" as we are would probably be a good way add a little strength and "armor" to the relationship. It will make for a good topic of discussion during our monday night self-counseling session.
BTW. This morning I made her breakfast in bed.
Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time
-Steven Wright
