Hi Slowly, I just realized I havent posted to you for awhile....guess I've been awash in my own flood of issues. Your support on my thread has been so helpful, and you are always such an inspiration to me....always have been.
Quote: Folks, I need help. How does one create a 'safe' home environment to draw WAH back, but at the same time not be set up to be taken for granted? We talk about mystery, but does this not contradict the safe notion?
I'll bite on this one, it's something I've struggled and struggled with but certainly I don't profess to have all of the answers on this.... Your question is just exactly what I've pondered and struggled with, and I think in my sitch, where H complained that emotional distance was a problem, the mystery and "safe environment" can easily become contradictory.
So from both the safe environment and mystery standpoint, I took a kind of "go slow" and "baby step" approach.... from the "safe environment" standpoint, some things I did were really tiny, and very "against the grain" for me...but amazingly they seemed to work --Avoided all R talks; --avoided any questions about OW, h's whereabouts; made it a point to just "sit" with him, and listen....every day, even if for just 10 minutes; tried to let him take the lead on many things; amde a point of expressing admiration for him, everything from his physical attributes to his sense of humor and intelligence, sincere admiration, things I've always thought were neat about him but was too embarrassed to say, because after all, I'm a grown, intelligent and independent woman (It dawned on me one fine day that OW wasnt at all hesitant to come on to him, and evidently it worked well for her, so.....i'm not to proud to learn a lesson someone is willing to teach me!)I worked really hard at validating H's feelings; I worked really hard to quit arguing, blaming, nagging, accusing; I've worked really hard to maintain a pleasant, upbeat tone of voice and "appearance"; I've tried to greet him when he comes home or shortly after and tell him it's nice to have him home (I havent ever worn Saran Wrap to the door, however. That really dates me, it's from an old controversial book most people here have probably never heard of); I tried to offer choices, small ones like I do for kids...do you want this or that for lunch, what brand of beer, etc.-- I know it seems inconsequential but I've come to believe it helps H believe/see that he is important to me and that I value his happiness, which helps him to feel safer stepping away from OW; I've tried to do little things to make home more pleasant, candles, potpourri, chocolate, fix his favorite foods and serve them to him. Pretty darn old-fashioned, I never ever thought I would do such a thing.
I found the creating mystery tough, still do, but found that sometimes tiny opportunities come up if I watch for them and can be quick enough to take advantage of them, but I have to work at retraining my mind to see these little snippets. It's really hard to do big stuff because it would usually mean either taking S11 with me or leaving him alone....So, some little things that seemed to kind of work....I had a discussion about meds on this bb, happened to mention it to H, and that I'd gotten the info from a Drug Rep; H A$$umed I'd met a drug rep in person and wanted to know where I met "him", who "he" was; when I said it was someone on the "net", H accused me of looking for a bf in the internet.....suddenly dawned on me that a great opportunity fell into my lap, so I played along and was really evasive about it. I tried to do things at slightly different times....even watering flowers, taking a nap or shower, etc., Sometimes I would be in the shower humming when he came home just to be sure it didnt look like I was watching for him...sometimes I would come home 15 or 20 minutes after he did, or start supper a little later so it wasnt ready when he got home from "work" on weekends, and say "I got held up longer than I expected" kind of breathlessly. I alluded to looking at guys....made comments that would make him wonder a little. For example once we were at a large event, and when we got home I put my arms around him and told him I'd noticed he was the best looking guy there...he acted embarrassed and said "Oh I don't believe that" and I said "what, you don't believe that I was checking out the guys?" H got the most shocked look on his face and said "well I guess I don't know about that"....
This is getting way to long and I don't know if any of it is useful, so I'll stop. Heaven knows my story is far from written, but I do believe some of these things have worked, especially in combination and over time.
Hang in there Slowly, I really believe your H will end his contact w/OW........It is just so incredibly hard to wait out. Agonizing is the only way to describe it.
thinking of you from over here on this side of the pond! Deb
