You have come so far and done so well. I have let working on my goals slip but when i read over yours and your thread you really have come so far with everything. You help people like me to want to try no matter what happens. Keep going. Thanks sooo much for your support all the time.
I'm glad to hear that the weekend was wonderful and even more happy to hear that you really feel these changes you have made for youself are wonderful and permanent. What an inspiration to know that dreams really can come true! Totally
Hi Zinta and TS - Thanks for the encouragement, to be honest, without the superb cheer-leading and timely whacking from this community, I know I will not have made it to this point I have learnt so much about how important contact and feedback is to each of us, as well as kind words and support.
No doubt there is a long road ahead, but I feel more able to continue on this journey now than I did 3 months ago, which is what we are here for, right?
Hi Deb, and TC - Just wanted to pick up on something that resonated with me Quote: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For Me, the hardest thing to get a "balance on" was the fact that I needed to continue to be positive/very affirming to my H, but still show him that I could indeed survive without him.
Hi everyone - Story of my Monday Though it is hard to stay focused when there are threads on this bb just bubbling over with good news
NG had another project meeting, which was close to my client session, so he dropped me off, then we met for lunch. Went to sign tenancy agreement after lunch - he is so happy about this, it feels great. He even suggested we have a housewarming party before we move in, we totted up our friends and it will be a party for about 100 folks. NG really seems to want to be busy so we don't have time or energy to dwell on A or OW. Fine by me
Quiet pizza evening, sadly no these past few days. Loong kisses though, so I'm just taking this as it comes. Slowly
Time for some new goals, to mark June. PMA is running reasonably high, so perhaps a more balanced perspective on the positives and negatives would be appropriate.
1. Take better care of myself. Been a bit too relaxed with the exercise and weight routine. Not yet been to the dentist Not yet sleeping well. Oh dear, what a sorry state of affairs.
2.Use the move into new house to practice new Slowly, the one that does not take control of everything Ample opportunity to show NG he can wear the pants around this place Even if things are left to last minute, if we end up paying more, I will not take control. Let the slide into relaxed home life begin
4. Invite support from NG for the vulnerable side of Slowly This is definitely getting easier the more often I pause to consider why something feels uncomfortable, and identify my fears as the root cause. Sharing the load still feels alien, but not as scary as it used to be
4. Listen, participate and apply KLA CDs, group and in life Got the pack a couple of weeks ago, just not gotten round to listening. Ugh
That should keep me off the streets, I reckon. Slowly
Folks, I need help. How does one create a 'safe' home environment to draw WAH back, but at the same time not be set up to be taken for granted? We talk about mystery, but does this not contradict the safe notion?
NiceGuy is still trying to fix OW's problems with her H, not sure to what extent they are communicating directly, but OW's sister called me yesterday puzzled by NG's insistence that she get involved with OW's kids...
To be honest, I'm at a bit of a loss here... Your input would be most welcome. Thanks. Slowly
I can't advise from experience of creating safe place, but my impression is that we meet our H's emotional needs and make sure we meet our own emotional and happiness needs. Don't fall back into the trap of man and marriage before self. Keep doing those things that made you happy and kept you sane at the lowest DB points.
You are doing great!
Vanessa
Current Thread Me: 39, H: 35 Kids: S14/D13/D11 1995-04 Married 2003-08 Bomb 2003-09 Separated
Hi Slowly, I just realized I havent posted to you for awhile....guess I've been awash in my own flood of issues. Your support on my thread has been so helpful, and you are always such an inspiration to me....always have been.
Quote: Folks, I need help. How does one create a 'safe' home environment to draw WAH back, but at the same time not be set up to be taken for granted? We talk about mystery, but does this not contradict the safe notion?
I'll bite on this one, it's something I've struggled and struggled with but certainly I don't profess to have all of the answers on this.... Your question is just exactly what I've pondered and struggled with, and I think in my sitch, where H complained that emotional distance was a problem, the mystery and "safe environment" can easily become contradictory.
So from both the safe environment and mystery standpoint, I took a kind of "go slow" and "baby step" approach.... from the "safe environment" standpoint, some things I did were really tiny, and very "against the grain" for me...but amazingly they seemed to work --Avoided all R talks; --avoided any questions about OW, h's whereabouts; made it a point to just "sit" with him, and listen....every day, even if for just 10 minutes; tried to let him take the lead on many things; amde a point of expressing admiration for him, everything from his physical attributes to his sense of humor and intelligence, sincere admiration, things I've always thought were neat about him but was too embarrassed to say, because after all, I'm a grown, intelligent and independent woman (It dawned on me one fine day that OW wasnt at all hesitant to come on to him, and evidently it worked well for her, so.....i'm not to proud to learn a lesson someone is willing to teach me!)I worked really hard at validating H's feelings; I worked really hard to quit arguing, blaming, nagging, accusing; I've worked really hard to maintain a pleasant, upbeat tone of voice and "appearance"; I've tried to greet him when he comes home or shortly after and tell him it's nice to have him home (I havent ever worn Saran Wrap to the door, however. That really dates me, it's from an old controversial book most people here have probably never heard of); I tried to offer choices, small ones like I do for kids...do you want this or that for lunch, what brand of beer, etc.-- I know it seems inconsequential but I've come to believe it helps H believe/see that he is important to me and that I value his happiness, which helps him to feel safer stepping away from OW; I've tried to do little things to make home more pleasant, candles, potpourri, chocolate, fix his favorite foods and serve them to him. Pretty darn old-fashioned, I never ever thought I would do such a thing.
I found the creating mystery tough, still do, but found that sometimes tiny opportunities come up if I watch for them and can be quick enough to take advantage of them, but I have to work at retraining my mind to see these little snippets. It's really hard to do big stuff because it would usually mean either taking S11 with me or leaving him alone....So, some little things that seemed to kind of work....I had a discussion about meds on this bb, happened to mention it to H, and that I'd gotten the info from a Drug Rep; H A$$umed I'd met a drug rep in person and wanted to know where I met "him", who "he" was; when I said it was someone on the "net", H accused me of looking for a bf in the internet.....suddenly dawned on me that a great opportunity fell into my lap, so I played along and was really evasive about it. I tried to do things at slightly different times....even watering flowers, taking a nap or shower, etc., Sometimes I would be in the shower humming when he came home just to be sure it didnt look like I was watching for him...sometimes I would come home 15 or 20 minutes after he did, or start supper a little later so it wasnt ready when he got home from "work" on weekends, and say "I got held up longer than I expected" kind of breathlessly. I alluded to looking at guys....made comments that would make him wonder a little. For example once we were at a large event, and when we got home I put my arms around him and told him I'd noticed he was the best looking guy there...he acted embarrassed and said "Oh I don't believe that" and I said "what, you don't believe that I was checking out the guys?" H got the most shocked look on his face and said "well I guess I don't know about that"....
This is getting way to long and I don't know if any of it is useful, so I'll stop. Heaven knows my story is far from written, but I do believe some of these things have worked, especially in combination and over time.
Hang in there Slowly, I really believe your H will end his contact w/OW........It is just so incredibly hard to wait out. Agonizing is the only way to describe it.
thinking of you from over here on this side of the pond! Deb
I have learnt so much about how important contact and feedback is to each of us, as well as kind words and support. 
these past few days. Loong kisses though, so I'm just taking this as it comes. Slowly
Even if things are left to last minute, if we end up paying more, I will not take control. Let the slide into relaxed home life begin
