Hey BnB - Are you in Iceland? Maybe the Falklands? Balearics? Canary Islands? Oh well, might as well practise mystery here, right?
Well, OW's sister just called, wanting to confirm what NG told her. You folks still following the cross conversations here Anyhow, turns out one of the questions she asked NG was, why he went into A when it was obvious to her that he loved me utterly? And his response, that is a tough questions because I don't know the reason myself. Hmmmm.
I've had a long time to think about this, and to recall snippets of conversations with NG over the past 9 months, and alien notwithstanding, here is my take. NG needed to assert his self worth, which was being hammered by a visibly higher profile his wife was getting.
When we first met, I was the younger student looking up to him for guidance. As we progressed through college and then our first jobs, he always felt the stronger partner. About 10 years ago, I got an amazing break, and ended up being fast tracked. I now recall NG saying about 5 years ago to his BIL that his career will catch up soon, that I was just catching the wave sooner. Well, to date this has not happened. And I was NOT sensitive enough to build him up in other areas.
OW is clearly someone he feels confident in the presence of. As I started listening with my eyes these past few months, I realise that somewhere along the way, NG has developed some seriously defensive tactics with me, which are not at all normal for him. He also seems to prefer to hang out with folks who do not challenge his confidence.
And facing up to this may never happen with NG. I just need to understand this, and work on filling his tank at every opportunity. I love doing it anyway Just wish he could have articulated this need in another way. Sigh.
Quote: Wow - has this traditionally been the quietest week on the board? Piecers mising in action evidenced by locked out threads (sorry, the analyst in me has to have some platform for expression )
Friends Hmmmmm Red Hot Momma 4 Burned Out On Trying The thread w/o a title Boundaries
anybody home?
And WONDER OF WONDERS, my thread wasn't one of them!!!!!!
Good Morning Slowly,
I think it is great you have realized what he was getting/needing from OW for his self esteem.
You are doing great.
So how is the packing coming? Mine is SLOW!!!!!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Slowly, Since I love reading success stories, I am re-reading your whole story. Wow, I didn't realize I had missed so much. You have come so far.
I haven't finished reading it yet, but did you and H ever separate or D? I have read so many stories, they start to run together after a while.
Thanks for stopping by my thread. I spend more time now trying to give advice since there's not much advice for me right now. Being dark doesn't give you much to talk about. I have at least until July 1st to stay dark and maybe longer. This is the hardest part I think.
Some may say being in limbo may be harder, but I wouldn't know. 95% of my DBing since W left has been dark. It is her choice.
I am so happy your sitch is getting better. i long for the day when you can tell us it's 100% complete although I think we still have to DB from now on.
Wanted to stop by and express my appreciation for your very solid support.
Hmmm - he doesn't know why he would have an A when he loves you utterly. I also find it very interesting that you are getting support from OW's sister. Wow - that's one for the books.
And good that you are seeing that he needs to feel valued and uplifted and worthy. It's hard for any partner having one person who is doing better than the other. No matter how secure your R is - when this happens it's hard. Gotta be hard on anyone. Good of you to notice and find other ways to build him up.
I guess I was one of the 'luckier' ones, NG never moved out, and in fact always maintained that he and I will be together forever
It's good to hear your perspective, living through this sitch, it feels like progress is so slow. But I suppose I'm happy with my personal growth through all of this. I just wish he will stop contact with her
Yes progress is slow indeed. Its so true when people say not to rush it and it has to happen on their own time. Never know what that means before.
Slowly, its good to know that at least your H said you will be together forever. My H told me yesterday that we will plan to have anor baby by next year. I told him I am scared and insecure about the future, what if you leave me again and then I will have anor baby to look after. He said no, why would he want to do that. Then I said things are so uncertain. Then he told me, just remember the song 'hey sara, sara..whatever will be, will be...' which I always sing to my Ds.
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for is the one thing you can't see..
Hey Totally - You have hit the nail on the head. I know at some point my patience will run out, but thanks to the support here, I'm devising many, many different mind games to keep myself amused
Right now, I think NG is in the throes of withdrawal. He is trying so hard to be cheerful, and let's me know in his own way that we need to keep busy all the time so there is no time for introspection. Honestly, I'm exhausted. Roll on the new home, when we'll have enough distraction indoors.
Off to look at what I said back in early May. Must keepmyself honest
Hi BnB - You'd think they could be more committal, wouldn't you? NG's stock response these days is "Of course we'll always be together, we are here talking aren't we?" Ugh. When an ILY would have done the job better. Slowly, I guess.
Anyhow, turns out one of the questions she asked NG was, why he went into A when it was obvious to her that he loved me utterly? And his response, that is a tough questions because I don't know the reason myself. Hmmmm.
Just wish he could have articulated this need in another way. Sigh. 
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