There are so many conflicting indications from H, for example this lavish long weekend away, but then the moodiness in the evenings with mono syllabic words
Hey Pam - you could be right, it could be withdrawal. It could also be actual contact but lying about it that is causing internal conflict - in the past, this has been an issue. Let's see
Monday was an OK day, I did well listening to NG as he regaled his high points at work. We visited some friends in the evening, and grabbed a light supper. Pre-bomb, it would have rated as an above average day. Now, after all the months of intense talk and emotional swings, it felt quite flat.
I feel like I'm in a bit of a lull, we've just come out of one phase and probably about to enter another one, where we dig in a bit deeper into what the h*** just happened to us. I'm really uncomfortable with the notion of getting on as if nothing happened, which seems to be NG's preference.
Hence the wait-and-see till next week. Maybe like me, NG too just needs a break, and hopefully we can tackle some concerns that are not too far below the surface. Some of the things I'd like to suggest, and would appreciate your feedback on:
**we talk about the A or OW anytime the topic pops into our minds - I don't really want to have taboo subjects between us, NG has been pretty open up to now, I'm comfortable keeping this approach. Not the heavy talk-talk but if in passing an idle remark crops up, I don't want either of us to feel funny about it ** how do I get NG to open up about his feelings? Thus far, it has been in such a roundabout way that I get to really see what has been going on inside him, usually by validating something he has done first. Direct questions that pre-bomb were our MO no longer seem to work - is this to be expected? ** secrecy - emails seem to have such a wall around them - and emails were one of the main modes between NG and OW. how do I get it across to him that the continued secrecy is not letting us get over trust issues?
I know, I was not going to dwell on this for a bit, but I guess this is a better place to ponder than in front of NG Slowly
Good day Slowly ... I sure has a quite a bit of catching up to do after this weekend ...
Quote: it could be withdrawal.
best to consider it just another case of "itchy butt" to remind you its his issue and that you don't need to get sucked into it. Detach and let it go. Wait it out until his mood changes. In fact use the time you're thinking about his "itchy butt" to focus on what you can do for yourself. You still needs some "slowly" time too and less thinking about him and his moods. It does sound like both of you can use a break from "working" on M and just enjoy some R&R together. This weekend sounds like its just the thing at the right time!
Quote: we talk about the A or OW anytime the topic pops into our minds - I don't really want to have taboo subjects between us, NG has been pretty open up to now, I'm comfortable keeping this approach.
My concern here is NG may start seeing this as a bottomless pit, that will never end. His willingness to be open now is probably based on that his hope that it will lead to closure sometime not too far down the road. So my suggestion here would be to maybe set up some structure around such talks so that he can see that it is gonna lead to a dwindling. Maybe limit yourself to only mentioning at a certain period each day. After a week or two, reduce it to the same period every other day, then only twice a week ... once a week and so forth over a period of 4 - 6 months.
Quote: how do I get NG to open up about his feelings?
I wish I had some suggestions here, but I've been faced with this dilemma for years and have not found anything that works up to now. I've even asked the same question a few times here on the bb but to no avail. So I gonna watch your thread closely to hopefully gleen some wisdom for others that may respond.
Quote: secrecy - emails seem to have such a wall around them - and emails were one of the main modes between NG and OW. how do I get it across to him that the continued secrecy is not letting us get over trust issues?
This one seems to fall under the boundary discussions on Betsey's thread. Its gonna take NG to understand there will more than likely be some unfavorable consequences due to his secrecy, but those consequences won't derive from you. The will impact him in other ways.
Slowly, I know you're having a bit of a rough ride, but keep focus on the positives to help ride out the rough waves and next week tell us if the positives outweighed the negatives.
Hi KAW - Thanks for the feedback, and reminder on itchy butt syndrome. See what I mean about forgetting things I have already learned? Ugh.
Am in a better place now. Feeling a wee bit more detached. Just noticed the rental application has not been done, pre-bomb I would have nagged NG, or done some of it myself. But last week he told me he'll take care of it, soo, I'm off this case. Not cleaning up any more
Hi everyone - Well, Tuesday came in like a lamb and went out like a lion. A pretty ordinary day, met H for lunch, and he planned to work from home in the afternoon, and was kind enough to pick me up after work. Had a LOVELY dinner at our favourite Italian.
Nine thirty, we are both relaxing on the couch just watching TV mindlessly, and my mobile phone rings, it was OW's husband Wanted to chat with NG. I passed the phone over (NG had turned his mobile off) and all I could hear from NG was that he had not been in contact with OW for the past 2 weeks, and did H want to talk to me, which was yes, so I did.
Turns out OW did not get home that night, and H thought she was with NG, and was freaking out. Soo, at least I was able to confirm NG had been with me since about 5. And I kinda said to OW's H that every time he contact NG, it triggers NG and OW re-establishing contact. Perhaps he may want to ponder on that pattern
My thoughts - what a bozo. I can understand his feelings, but to keep contacting NG? Of course, NG is now feeling pursued by OW via her husband, and appears to get more fed up with the whole thing. Me, I'm just dbing.
Over to you, my BB friends, for comments on this latest episode of my life, the soap opera. Slowly.
Slowly, I must say its the first I've heard of continual contact by OW's H. How did he get your number? Might be time to change all your phone numbers. A pain I know, but might help with keeping the ties broken.
Also, have considered give OW's H a copy of DR? It might be a good investment. It could lead him to understanding why he shouldn't be calling you about her whereabouts.
Slowly 
Wanted to chat with NG. I passed the phone over (NG had turned his mobile off) and all I could hear from NG was that he had not been in contact with OW for the past 2 weeks, and did H want to talk to me, which was yes, so I did.