The evening you describe is very familiar to me and I'm very familiar with that anger and frustration. They were my constant companions for years. So, I hope you won't get mad when I say you're doing it to yourself. I've got the same control issues. If you stop to look at it, that's what's going on. I've been through the same thing, getting mad and frustrated and then trying to get H to accept the responsibility for my anger. It's a no win.
You have to really and truly drop the rope. H knows you're making dinner, he knows what time you usually eat, right? So, if he's not there, he's on his own. You just have to convince yourself that everyone else is not your responsibility. I'm not saying be nasty about it, but rather the opposite. Be very nice but just stop trying to control the world around you (this sounds much harsher than I intend). If people don't do what you think they should be doing, you let yourself stress because it's not 'right' (I know it's also the issue of preparing food for them, but...).
Imagine what it must feel like to not even worry about other people? It's very hard for controlaholics like us, but it's worth the effort to let go. It's like the 12 steps - accept that you have NO control over others. It's incredibly liberating - you'll feel great, I promise.
Except for your children, just try to let everyone else go. They're adults - they know how to dress, feed, and take care of themselves. When I really took my H's feeling that I'm controlling to heart, I realized that most of what I did that I thought was thoughtful, helpful, and just being responsible, was actually controlling (or perceived that way). I thought I was just doing - I was amazed how much I was 'controlling'.
Examples - You say you're expected to fix meals? First of all, who expects it? Second, ok you fix the meal - and whoever is there gets to eat it. If they're not there and haven't called, you just clean up as you normally do and move on. You have no further responsibility and no obligation to stress about it. They are not going to starve.
Second, after already feeling put upon, you go on to do further work, cleaning, which if you're anything like me, really pisses you off and sends you over the edge because H never does his fair share. You don't ask anyone else to do it even though so far your H has had a free ride that evening. But some of your controlling worked because H was scared into helping with the vacuuming and moving furniture.
I know I'm sounding like a smarta$$, but it's only because it sounds as if we're twins in an alternate universe. One of the things I've had to learn is to stop doing things, stop saying yes when I don't want to whatever, stop being responsible for others - then becoming mad because I'm doing everything, doing something I didn't want to do, and being unable to control others. You have to become comfortable with that feeling that some things just aren't getting done or being done 'right' (which means our way).
AND learning to ask directly if you want someone to do something. A big one! And then, if they don't do it after saying they will, do not pick up the rope.
I think this whole thing would be a big 180. I think it would be way more effective than having any kind of quiet talk with your H. I'm not sure I would even bother with the talk - do you think your H doesn't know that you were angry and why? I'm sure he's become an expert on reading your moods.
I hope I'm not being too 'know-it-all'. It just really helped me when I was able to change this dynamic, and the effect on my H was very positive, even though I was doing less for him!
Feel free to tell me I don't know what I'm talking about.
