I was dreading the 5 hour trip with H to pick up S14 but it was actually a fairly relaxing time between H and I with no hint of R talks. However, I didn't handle the whole motel thing well at all. We didn't get to the motel until midnight and we were both very tired. I had gone into the bathroom to wash up, and when I came out H had fixed us both a drink and a snack and had placed them on either side of the table between the two beds. (I thought the fixing was nice and even commented to H that he had found a stirrer for my drink, and he seemed pleased that I noticed). So, I laid on one bed and then H laid on the other and we watched tv a little. I had to get some sleep so I pulled the covers down on the bed I was on and laid down. It was only a couple of minutes later that H turned the tv and lights off and got into the other bed.
I could not believe how much that hurt. I haven't sobbed so hard in a long time but didn't want H to hear to much. After a few minutes I ended up going into the bathroom to get a kleenex, and when I came out I told H "Just so you know, I think this whole situration sucks", then laid down on my bed. After about a half hour of not sleeping while trying to stifle my crying, I got dressed and went driving around for a couple of hours. The sleeping in two seperate beds just totally devestated me.
We spent all day Fri. on the road with S14, got home late then left at 5:30 Sat. morning for a couple days for S14's swim meet. (Another night in a motel, but S14 was with us so H didn't have a choice but to sleep with me).
So have been with H 24/7 for the past 3 days and for the most part it has been a tension free time. Most of our conversations center around S14, but it is still sharing time. H continues to do the little things for me that couples do ...i.e., bring me back a roll when he gets one, sharing a meal instead of ordering 2 meals, sharing a suitcase, asing if I am cool enough in the car.... just many things that speak the language of "caring".
I am just so frustrated at the lack of physical touch. If we honestly accidently touch H doesn't always draw away with lightning speed. But, if I "accidently" touch him in any way and he realizes it wasn't a true accident, then he jerks away. After trial and error, I don't feel that I can do any initiating of any form of touch and that hurts me so much.
So for now, I just try to keep upbeat around H and try to be his friend and listen carefully to what he says. If I would have known what a slow, painful process this was 2 1/2 years ago, I am not sure I would have signed up for the "trying to save your M" gang. (Especially since there are no guarantees at the end. )
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