Thanks for checking on me. Things have been quiet. H has gone to telephone school up in MA this week, left Sun and had to work last Sat, so I've been pretty much on my own. I will drive up on Fri and meet him in NH to start our week's vacation.
H was very distracted for a couple of days before he left, and then was in a lousy mood Sun am when he was getting ready to leave. None of it was directed at me so I'm just telling myself that he was distracted getting ready for his trip, to be gone for 2 wks. I have to admit I was somewhat concerned but I think I did a pretty good job of not dwelling on his mood.
I did sort of lose it a little after he left. He was so pissy getting ready, and then gave me a skimpy brief kiss and goodbye - I spent the next hour journaling downward. But then I started to list positives and was able to get myself up again. Then H called about 2 hrs after he left all happy and cheerful, says he's making good time. I assume that's he's way of apology for being in a bad mood because he's absolutely unable to say explicitly that he's sorry for anything.
I am dwelling a little on something about vacation that hasn't happened yet (real productive I know). I've been doing the same thing I did before IL's visited - expecting that H is going to be sleeping in the same room. And then I was so blown away that he STILL stayed in a different room while they were here. So, all this time I've been thinking that of course we'll have to be together on vacation at his parents and my parents. Well, whack me with a 2x4, I don't know why I had that expectation. If H was willing to sleep in separate rooms in front of parents at our house, what's to stop him from doing the same thing at their house!
I think I've set myself up for a big disappointment. Now that I've been thinking more, I think it's very likely that we will still be in separate rooms on vacation. What a freaking bummer! I'm really beginning to believe that H intends for us to live platonically forever.
I'm thinking that I may have to do something soon - or should I? At the very least I will wait to see what happens next week. I will know as soon as I get to the lake and see what room they have put me in, and whether H's things are in the same room. If H is not in the same room, I'm thinking I would like to just get back in the car and leave. What does it mean when a man wants to sleep in separate rooms in front of his ENTIRE family! Parents, all siblings, nieces/nephews, and their spouses will be there for birthday celebrations.
I think I'm going to have to make some kind of decision after we get back. If we are still in separate rooms then, I think it's not going to change. I think I could safely assume that all H really wants is to be best friends. In all these months, H has not made any moves to touch me or be closer physically - well I guess that's the same life we had before all of this happened. It was part of the problem - I felt totally unloved because H seems to not be attracted to me physically/sexually. I know he thinks I am attractive, but doesn't seem to have any urge to act on it. LD to the max - only 3-5 times a year.
Well, I imagine that you didn't expect this long essay. Just goes to show what happens when H's are gone and we have time to think and drive ourselves crazy.
Don't you just hate it when you have time to think? There are just so many "what-ifs" and the imagination runs wild.
Is it possible that H does not know how to go about moving back into your bedroom? There is such a thing as pride, and since H was the one to move out, does he know how to move back in (to your bed)? I ask because that is where I think my H may be stuck at.
Asking to move back in would be like saying he was wrong.....and I get the feeling that your H is much like mine in never admitting they were wrong.
I am fresh out of suggestions on how to get him back into your bed.....but don't let that discourage you just yet. There have been so many wonderful developments in your sitch....so just keep building on those.
I admit I have this little fantasy in the back of my mind that H is planning on using the vacation situation as an excuse to just casually move back into the same bed, or bedroom at least. I've been imagining just as you are, that H wants to move back into our room, but is unable to ask.
But after the IL's visit when this did not happen, I'm trying to prepare myself so that I'm not blindsided again when my expectations turn out to be false. I guess it's a balancing act between being hopeful/positive and being prepared to not show my dismay. I thought H would not embarass me this way when IL's were here, but I guess he didn't think they would really notice. I have no idea if they did or what they know or don't know.
I'm afraid all of this thinking and anticipating is a major backslide to my old ways, of becoming angry and resentful when I'm made to feel unwanted. Even before the bomb, I had realized that H never apologizes. I'm not sure I have ever heard the words, 'I'm sorry', pass his lips. And this is sort of strange, because he seems pretty easy going on the surface, or at least he once was.
To be more positive - last Sat - I wouldn't swear to it - but I think H might have, just might have, been checking me out across the table in the restaurant . I think I caught him looking at my bust a couple of times. I hope it wasn't because I had a stain on my shirt or something!
We will be celebrating both H's and BIL's birthdays while we're in NH. Just imagine - the two MLC boys having a birthday party together. Too bad SIL and I can't make that the theme of the party. What kind of decorations would be appropriate? Actually, I'm amazed she can make herself plan this party, he's been such a stinker for about 4 yrs, hardly talks to her at all. They communicate through email!
For my part, I have made up a fancy gift certificate for H's latest toy - a $5,000 custom-made bicycle. (Yes, I do believe it's the same one Lance Armstrong used in the Tour de France - for that price it had better be.) He's going to get it any way, so I might as well make it look as if I'm giving it to him out of the goodness of my heart. I mean, how bad can I look if I'm willing to go along with that indulgence. (And how can he ever criticize any of my spending after this - there is a method to my madness )
So, trying to be optomistic, I'm planning on wearing a sexy nightgown on vacation just in case. Circumstances have worked against me on this vacation. H and I will be in separate vehicles because of his week at school beforehand, and all of our time will be spent at family homes. Not very conducive to seductions!
But, only a month ago I didn't think H and I would even be going on a vacation together. How quickly we forget to appreciate the baby steps and only wish for more.
Wishing, I'm also out of ideas for doing anything more proactive in the bedroom area. I'm actually afraid to make any kind of move because I've been rejected so many times over the years. So my position is that I would have to be absolutely certain any advances would be welcome. This may make for a very loooonnnngggg wait.
I think pride is the biggest issue here. May be your H does not want to move in because of pride or afraid to be rejected. For the sake of your M, I would invite your H to be back if I were you.
I was thinking about my own situation. Sometimes pride and being afraid to get hurt are our biggest road blocks. My W and I both are too proud to make the first step. We end up in a stagnant situation for a long time. Just my 2 cents.
I have wondered if pride is an issue - I admit it is for me. Sometime soon I may just decide, 'nothing ventured, nothing gained.' But I need a little more courage than I have right now. I'm thinking that I may get some clues to H's thoughts in the next few weeks. Just a feeling.
I'm thinking however, that this is the same as not saying ILY. H already knows how I feel and would welcome him back into our room. I'm still convinced he has to make the decision on his own, maybe only because I need to know it's what he really wants, but also so he feels I'm not controlling the situation.
Quote: I'm still convinced he has to make the decision on his own, maybe only because I need to know it's what he really wants, but also so he feels I'm not controlling the situation.
I think you hit the nail on the head with that statement. If H has any perceptions of you being controlling, then HE must be the one to decide or the whole thing will backfire.
Now to figure out how to make it easier for him to show action once he has made a decision....
I think this is one change that's made a HUGE difference to H - me dropping the rope on constantly making decisions on everything. Now I think H even resented my decorating the house without consulting him - didn't seem to be interested at the time. But all of sudden last year he made a comment to leave the garage alone, that he 'let' me do whatever I want in the whole house and the garage was his? WTF? So when he was 'renovating' his apt, I was very careful not to ask questions, offer help, or venture any opinions unless explicitly asked. It became painfully obvious that the man who showed absolutely no interest in picking anything for our home was having a ball picking appliances, carpet, blinds, etc. for his 'new' home. I comforted myself by believing it was mostly the feeling of control that was making him so happy. I have come to realize how controlling I really am, if left unchecked.
I still remember when I picked out china when we married 14 yrs ago - he didn't have any opinion (or interest) until I took him to the store and asked which of two patterns he preferred. All of a sudden he had a very definite opinion. So why did I forget that lesson? Don't know. Maybe he got tired of me not asking for his opinion all these years.
I'm trying to look at the potential bedroom setup next week in a humorous light. I mean, is my M going to stand or fall based on the sleeping arrangements at the lake, over which H probably has limited control given number of other guests. I'm almost looking forward to observing H's whole 'clan' in action. I'm not sure SIL and I will be able to keep a straight face when they start taking the 'Family'-only photos, when all of us 'outlaws' are supposed to leave the picture. Maybe I should then announce I want a picture of all the 'only related by marriage but not really Family' attendees. But, that would be rude don't you think ?
Can you imagine? SIL has been married to BIL for over 30 yrs, but she has to put up with (as do I and other SIL's) being asked to get out of a picture for a Family-only photo. I'm starting to look forward to it for the laugh factor. Yes, I know I'm a smart-a$$ b*tch .
H just called - he got out of tech-training school already for the week - what a lucky dog. He gets to start his vacation right now and I'm not leaving until Fri. He's at his brother's for dinner tonight - sounds pretty upbeat. Apologized for not calling last night because he fell asleep. I knew that's what had happened so I didn't stress.
H said BIL is going to Hawaii in Sept, on business I presume. He laughed when I said my H wouldn't be going to Hawaii without me while there was breath in my body .
If pride is an issue for your H, then inviting him back will solve the problem. However, if he feels to be controlled, you need to let him make his own decision. I don't know enough about your H to suggest one way or another.
In my W's case, she was back into our bedroom on her own. Every time after a big talk or after she reversed her decision. It is difficult to understand a WAS's mind.
I think you just provided your own answer. Your W moves farther away each time you have an R talk! Whack, whack.
Actually, I think it's pretty positive that you and W are intimate, no matter how lame right now. Most women wouldn't if they are only into OM. She must be trying on some level. Are you giving her enough space?
Wow, with H gone this week I have all this evening time on the computer. Of course, I should be packing for vacation.
. I think I caught him looking at my bust a couple of times. I hope it wasn't because I had a stain on my shirt or something!
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