Thanks for checking on me. Things have been quiet. H has gone to telephone school up in MA this week, left Sun and had to work last Sat, so I've been pretty much on my own. I will drive up on Fri and meet him in NH to start our week's vacation.
H was very distracted for a couple of days before he left, and then was in a lousy mood Sun am when he was getting ready to leave. None of it was directed at me so I'm just telling myself that he was distracted getting ready for his trip, to be gone for 2 wks. I have to admit I was somewhat concerned but I think I did a pretty good job of not dwelling on his mood.
I did sort of lose it a little after he left. He was so pissy getting ready, and then gave me a skimpy brief kiss and goodbye - I spent the next hour journaling downward. But then I started to list positives and was able to get myself up again. Then H called about 2 hrs after he left all happy and cheerful, says he's making good time. I assume that's he's way of apology for being in a bad mood because he's absolutely unable to say explicitly that he's sorry for anything.
I am dwelling a little on something about vacation that hasn't happened yet (real productive I know). I've been doing the same thing I did before IL's visited - expecting that H is going to be sleeping in the same room. And then I was so blown away that he STILL stayed in a different room while they were here. So, all this time I've been thinking that of course we'll have to be together on vacation at his parents and my parents. Well, whack me with a 2x4, I don't know why I had that expectation. If H was willing to sleep in separate rooms in front of parents at our house, what's to stop him from doing the same thing at their house!
I think I've set myself up for a big disappointment. Now that I've been thinking more, I think it's very likely that we will still be in separate rooms on vacation. What a freaking bummer! I'm really beginning to believe that H intends for us to live platonically forever.
I'm thinking that I may have to do something soon - or should I? At the very least I will wait to see what happens next week. I will know as soon as I get to the lake and see what room they have put me in, and whether H's things are in the same room. If H is not in the same room, I'm thinking I would like to just get back in the car and leave. What does it mean when a man wants to sleep in separate rooms in front of his ENTIRE family! Parents, all siblings, nieces/nephews, and their spouses will be there for birthday celebrations.
I think I'm going to have to make some kind of decision after we get back. If we are still in separate rooms then, I think it's not going to change. I think I could safely assume that all H really wants is to be best friends. In all these months, H has not made any moves to touch me or be closer physically - well I guess that's the same life we had before all of this happened. It was part of the problem - I felt totally unloved because H seems to not be attracted to me physically/sexually. I know he thinks I am attractive, but doesn't seem to have any urge to act on it. LD to the max - only 3-5 times a year.
Well, I imagine that you didn't expect this long essay. Just goes to show what happens when H's are gone and we have time to think and drive ourselves crazy.
