I just checked out your thread and you've gotten some really good advice. I believe no R talks is the most important thing - I haven't had one in about 6 mos. There is no point to them, no matter how much you are tempted. Now that my situation is so much better, I seem to be more tempted lately. But then I remind myself that what has worked is not having R talks.
Giving praise does feel very awkward at first if you're not in the habit, but it doesn't take long to be more comfortable with it. Start small, and casusal. Put things in the form of a statement rather than questions, like "You're looking pretty sharp behind the wheel of that new car" rather than "How do you like your new car?"
Thanks your support and advice. It is enlightening. Everybody told me not to do R talk. I'll better listen. Wow, this is a big achievement not to have R talk for 6 months. I must learn how to do it.
I feel awkward to praise my W in the current situation, after she hurt me so much. But I know it may be to only way to fill her "love tank". Act of service would be easier for me. But it is my W's LL that I have to learn, not what I am comfortable with.
Quote: But this anger thing has me a little concerned. It's not directed at me these days, and it's probably not really that big a deal compared to most people, but it's certainly different than how H used to be, before MLC.
Great observation on your part! After I read The Four Agreements and took on agreement 2 (don't take things personally), I read another book on anger and figured this out.
I used to feel that anger directed toward me was a reflection of something I was doing or not doing, rather than a projection of how the other person was feeling.
Until we know what to do with anger, we tend to take it out on others around us when we don't understand the source of it. In my own case, I was most unpleasantly surprised to discover that my anger was really directed inward, though I was projecting it out on to my family members and friends.
Do you think that this is what your H is doing? And I have to commend you for putting up an invisible shield to prevent you from taking those hits and reacting.
You rock!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I should be the expert on anger because I've allowed it to practically run my life. It seems to be (or used to be) my response to almost everything. If I felt hurt, offended, embarrassed, guilty, frightened, etc, etc, it seemed I got angry. I have tried to work on this one, and examine what my response really is that triggers the anger. Now, if my feelings are hurt, I try to just stay with that emotion instead of masking my real emotions by getting angry. It's been a growth experience for me.
It's funny that I get somewhat nervous about H's irritability because now he's acting more like me! Maybe it's payback for me to have to deal with what I've often dished out. But now that I try not to take ownership of H's or anyone else's moods, life is a lot easier.
I'm not quite sure why H show's more irritability than he used to. I think part of it may be that he's just letting more of his emotions out these days - he was the original silent type before. He's not in a general angry mode so I'm not extremely concerned. And since I don't react, his irritations don't last very long. Example - The other night H got caught in the rain on his motorcycle and boots got soaked. He left them to dry and the next time he went to put them on he threw a little hissy fit because they were all stinky. I just ignored him and after he left, wearing other boots, I sprayed inside the boots with Febreeze. Problem solved.
It sounds like you have really taken notes on how to handle situations with H that allows you to not take ownership of his problems. You must have been a wonderful student!!
When are you going on vacation with H? I was thinking it was sometime soon. With all the successes you have had lately, there could be some nice surprises in store.
I think things are going well. I'm not focusing on the fact that we're still in separate bedrooms. Weird isn't it, that I would ever get to the point of thinking my marriage is in pretty good shape while we're sleeping apart and no S for over 11 months. Ugh! Now I'm depressing myself.
I guess it's all relative. How are things with you?
Couldn't believe it. H found wedding ring that he lost two years ago and put it on right in front of me!
H lost his wedding ring in his work van two years ago - always said he couldn't find it (that's the story anyway). I imagine he probably didn't look very hard for it. Anyway, last Wed he cleaned out the van because he was getting a new one on Thurs. On Sat, we were getting ready to go to BIL/SIL's in the afternoon and as I'm sitting in car I notice H has stuff on the passenger seat - his jacket, cell phone, wallet, etc. As he picks the stuff up to get in, underneath it all on the seat is his wedding ring. I see it and I pick it up, not really understanding what it is, and H says do you believe it, he found it in the van when he was cleaning it out. And then he puts it on his finger right then. I was so astonished I could barely back the car out of the garage!
So, clearly H found it on Wed and could easily have never told me about it. But it seemed he wanted me to specifically notice it on the seat and notice that he put it on. I didn't make too big a deal over it, but we were both sort of laughing about the fact that he even found it after all this time. So, I hope I looked as happy as I felt, and still feel about it.
Not only finding the ring but placing it where you would see it, and then putting it on in front of you......WOW!!! I think H was pelleting you with non-verbal language.
I am sure glad you had the presence of mind to be able to drive after that! Do a "silent dance" of jubilee!!
Betsey 