Reindeer – Just visited your thread earlier. I think when I finally figured out that my H’s and my LL’s were completely different, and I made a very conscious (but casual) effort to meet his, that’s when H’s attitude seemed to become more positive. And then it hit me after a few compliments, gifts, and cheerleading – I once did this all the time back in the “honeymoon phase” – when and why did I stop? I don’t really know, but doing it again made me feel good also. The amazed look on his face when I had the opportunity to tell him I thought he was more handsome now than when I married him, made me feel ashamed.
Wishing – We will be going up North to visit families on our vacation. I would like to do something more romantic but I haven’t visited my parents in almost 2 years and they are 80 now! Although I call them every week, it’s not the same. Also H’s family will be at their Lake house so we would spend half week at each place, with birthday party planned for BIL. Also, the end of the week would also be H’s birthday.
I’m toying with the idea of buying H a new wedding ring for his birthday, but I need to think about that a little bit more. H lost his about 2 years ago – I always claimed it was Freudian. Strangely enough H once agreed to wear a wedding ring while we were separated, but then he didn’t leave and subject never came up again.
But, at least on these visits I don’t think H can maintain separate beds. Even though every time we visit Lake, MIL puts us in the room with twin beds (even when we’re the only ones there), now it’s too much bother for her so we will stay in a hotel. Just my luck H will ask for a room with two beds!
Nitaf – Thanks. I must admit that it’s very easy to get complacent once things start to get better. We still have quite a ways to go but last night I found myself slipping into “old ways.” I even complained a little bit about some work stuff – a big no-no, and I’ve been talking just way too much.
PIB – I’m working on it – can’t work on it at home so it’s going slower than I’d hoped.
Thanks for dropping in my thread. You gave very wise advices.
You are doing well. Enjoy your vacation with your H. At the moment both my W and I stop wearing our wedding ring. I looked at a diamond ring in my last business trip. But I decided not to buy. It is too early. My W is still not ready yet to work on our R.
Complimenting my W is one thing I need to learn very hard. I was not been praised when I was growing up. So I have difficulty to praise somebody. I am learning now to praise our kids for their good work. But I am struggling to praise my W after what she did to me.
I am still not sure the LL of my W. Until now, nothing I tried worked. The word of confirmation is the only one I haven't tried. Maybe I should.
My home life was the same. No one gave any praise or compliments so when I get them I just sort of discount them. Same thing with gifts - they are just not a big deal in my family. But when I finally figured it out, I think this made a huge difference to my H. I was pretty amazed at the response - and the gifts have been one of the few times I had any kisses from H in the last 7 mos.
It did take me quite a while to figure out my H's LL's, because they didn't make any sense to me. At first I just overlooked them, so sure they were not the ones. But after a little experimentation, and thinking about other instances, I finally got it right. They still don't make sense to me, but I'm not going to argue with the results. Now if only I could get H to read the book and be motivated to figure out what mine is.
The praise and compliments - you have to look for your opportunities so it doesn't sound phony. I usually look for opportunities when other people are around to also 'brag' about something H has done, even if it's just working a lot of overtime or a long bike trip. It didn't come naturally at first, but it's easy now.
It sounds like you have unlocked the door and have found what works with H. WAY TO GO!!!
It is awesome that H is responding in such a postive manner, and since you have discovered the secret, you have a wonderful chance of making it. I think that once H actually is back in your bedroom you will know for sure. Just remember that it takes time so keep a dose of patience handy for when you just want to jump his bones.
Had to laugh about jumping H's bones. Used to be one of our jokes, but obviously not lately.
Had a few down moments last night when H said he had talked to his parents and we will be staying at the lake cottage instead of hotel. Couldn't believe it - what a bummer - for sure MIL will put us in that room with the twin beds ! She always does. The last time we were there and she tried to put us in there, H knew I would be annoyed so even he asked why can't we stay in room with double bed. Her response was so weird - like Oh it never occurred to her and we could if we wanted to make up the sheets ourselves, as if she couldn't understand why we wanted to!? I just can't imagine my parents making a married couple sleep in twin beds when a room with a double is available. In fact when I was younger, I had to sleep on the floor in the Living Room so my married brother and wife could sleep in my double bed. I'm just hoping H didn't arrange this to avoid sharing hotel room.
So I guess my parents are my last hope for this vacation. There is no way they will be expecting us to be in separate bedrooms, and I'm hoping H doesn't have the nerve to ask to do so. I may have to put my foot down at that point. Either way, after he surprised me by staying in the other room when MIL/FIL visited here, I'm going to make sure I don't get any expectations.
It's still limbo although very friendly and pleasant, and often fun. When we were walking through mall earlier, all I could think was that we would have been holding hands before. Now I have to stop myself from reaching for his hand. It's a long road ahead, but I'm grateful to be where we are now.
I keep reminding myself that my most recently fulfilled goal was on my list for over 7 mos, and all of a sudden it happened out of the blue. So, that makes me more optimistic about other goals that haven't seen progress.
I don't think gift is my W's LL. Last year I bought a pearl diamond necklace for my W. She did not even open the box for 1 year. So I don't buy her anymore expensive items. Maybe CD. Even that, she did not look at it.
I hope you will enjoy your vacation with your family. Being like a closed friend to your H is at least better than like a stranger. If my W could behave like a friend to me, maybe we can work out better.
Yes, I guess your W's LL is not gifts if she could leave a pearl and diamond necklace in the box for a year!
You've been doing this for so long - I think it's time to take a few days and just forget about pleasing or figuring out the W. I had to do that every so often just to clear my head.
Do you journal at all. I found that a lot of insights came to me as I did this, things I didn't even notice as they were happening. It also helped to get all those thoughts out of my head. It seemed I could let them go more easily once they were on paper. It is very calming for me, and I was never comfortable writing my thoughts and feelings down previously.
Just keep trying to treat your W as a good friend, regardless of the response. At least you'll feel great about yourself.
What you suggested was a good idea. Thu-Sat I was alone with the kids. My W did not called. She said she sent sms to my D. I did not call her. She was travelling with the om. But she did not tell me. I did enjoy my time with the kids. Don't care what my W is doing.
Journalling is a good idea. But I normally only post here on my thread. Nowhere else. Sometimes I think I need to reread my posts.
On Sun morning, I have a talk with my W. She denied to know about the om was travelling with her before she left. She claimed that she did not talked much with the om. I know she is lying. They were on the plane for 5 hours.
I mentioned to her again that she can have her lover 100%. meaning leave us. She can't stay married and have a parttime lover. She refused again my suggestion to have C.
I think I will wait till Dec. By then if she still refused, I may have to give her ultimatum to choose between staying with C or leave.
In the mean time, I just have to live my own life. And find my own happiness.
I'm still feeling very hopeful these days. H seems to be quite comfortable with the idea of going on vacation together at the end of the month. Quite a difference from last year when I was baffled by his TOTAL lack of interest in our trip to Ireland/England for his nephew's wedding. I still feel sick when I think of that trip knowing what I know now.
Anyway. Even though things are going reasonably well, I notice lately that H is getting back into that angry, irritable mode more often. He's clearly still in some lingering replay stage, looking at which sports car to buy, more biking equipment, new clothes, etc. It's not so frightening anymore because he actually consults me about these things and asks my opinion. I've shown him that I'm not automatically negative so now he talks to me about the toys he wants. Although, it's sort of funny because I think he's still testing me to see if I really will go along with some of the more outrageously expensive sports car ideas. Hasn't tripped me up yet! (and then he usually decides himself that it's too expensive).
But this anger thing has me a little concerned. It's not directed at me these days, and it's probably not really that big a deal compared to most people, but it's certainly different than how H used to be, before MLC. Sometimes I think maybe it's a good thing that he no longer holds these feelings in, but then I wonder if it's that cycling between anger and replay stages.
Funny story - I drove H to airport Fri and on the way he tells me he trimmed front bushes while I was at work (he took the day off). I'm thinking that as soon as I get home, here is an opportunity to call H and tell him what a good job he did and thanks for taking care of it. Well, H did a terrible job on the bushes - I mean really awful! I was going to try and fix it while he was gone so maybe he wouldn't notice I did it, but then I decided this is a test for me. H said once he felt he could never do things well enough to suit me. So I restrained myself and left those crooked bushes alone. But, I'm telling you, they look like they were done by someone on drugs with a machete.
You are getting wiser with your H. You are doing well.
My W still thinks that I look down on her. What she is doing is not good enough for me. Maybe I need to learn "words of affirmation" as her LL. I lack thsi skill to praise her more often. She felt that she is bad. She hate if I criticise her. So I should know what I should do.
! She always does. The last time we were there and she tried to put us in there, H knew I would be annoyed so even he asked why can't we stay in room with double bed. Her response was so weird - like Oh it never occurred to her and we could if we wanted to make up the sheets ourselves, as if she couldn't understand why we wanted to!? I just can't imagine my parents making a married couple sleep in twin beds when a room with a double is available. In fact when I was younger, I had to sleep on the floor in the Living Room so my married brother and wife could sleep in my double bed. I'm just hoping H didn't arrange this to avoid sharing hotel room.