There are so many positives in your sitch that I am about ready to gag from jealousy.
As my dad used to say to me...."You are a lady with a good head on her shoulders and a brain that knows how to work"...or something to that effect.
Don't you just love the "teamwork"? That is a big part of what married life is about, and getting back to that teamwork is definitely a positive.
About the seperate bedrooms. I am not sure which is worse, a H that sleeps in the spare bedroom or one that sleeps with you but physically jerks away if touched in bed (I have the latter and HATE it)!!!
I am glad to see that you went away for the weekend and had a wonderful time. You need those times to recharge the batteries.
Thanks for the visit - your Dad sounds like a smart man. I am feeling very lucky lately. I'm amazed how well things are going (except for the intimacy thing). I would never have believed a few months ago that this is where we would be now. I'm not sure we have been this good with each other since the first few years of marriage. So because this is unbelievable, I'm starting to believe that it's possible the last connection might eventually happen. But, since H is LD, I think this may go on for a long time.
Just goes to show that we're never satisfied - now I'm worried about how I look (for possible intimate moments). I think I've gained back just about all of the weight I had lost and even though I wouldn't say I'm fat, I'm looking pretty flabby around the middle again. Feeling especially self conscious now that H is so into biking and looking so trim. Oh well.
I've been thinking about some of the things that I've changed that have helped bring about these positives, and I think one of the biggest is that I've finally stopped 'keeping score'. Sometimes consciously, sometimes not, but I seemed to be always angry because I felt I was doing more than I was getting. That's just an absolute NO-WIN way of looking at things, fair or not. I just had to let it go, completely. Every once in a while I start to slip back and get annoyed at something, and I find it's usually related to this type of thinking.
I'm no expert, and I know my situation wasn't as terrible as many but I was thinking about putting together a list of things that worked especially well for me, if only to remind myself to keep doing them. Of course most of them I learned on this bb and from the books, but it doesn't hurt to put it out there again. What do you think?
Wishing, I hesitate to suggest this and I wonder what the general advice is, but what if you started sleeping in another room, at least every once in while? Maybe do it sometimes just so you have a nice restful sleep and some time to yourself. I do know how you feel, I found out after the bomb that my H had been leaving our bed for months and sleeping on the couch downstairs. I was devastated when I realized that he couldn't even bear to be in the same bed with me when I was asleep! It was also further proof that all those times when he got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and turned the lights on and made lots of noise and woke me up, were just more of his passive-aggressive BS. Clearly despite his many protests to the contrary, he was capable of being VERY quiet when it suited him.
Men - you would think I would be smarter about them. I have only brothers, I have always been in totally male-dominated school and work environments, and I'm old enough to have learned something. But, I'm not any better at figuring it out than anyone else.
In4Ride (Jeez, I got to start making these posts shorter!)
I think that a list is wonderful reminder of things you know make a postive difference in your R with H. It would be a good reference to have as you continue repairing your M.
You do sound very optimistic and that is music to my ears. And, even with the lact of intimacy, you know there is a reason for that, and not just something that has all of a sudden developed.
As for me, when I NEED a good nights sleep, or I have tossed and turned for hours, I grab my pillow and hit one of the other bedrooms or couchs. H never says a word, but when I take my pillow back to our bed, H always has the bed if the kids would glance in they would not notice that my pillow is missing.
We're still making good progress. A few very interesting developments this past weekend.
Almost from the start of my dbing, I've had as one of my goals that H would ask me to do something with him, other than eat a meal. I was really getting discouraged because it seemed no progress on this one. Finally, after 7 months, H asked me to do something with him Sunday morning, and it certainly was not one I could guess in a million years.
H asked me if I wanted to go to a Quaker meeting with him! Heard about it through AA. Now, except for weddings, H and I have not been to church in all the years we have been married, so this was pretty unusual. I enjoyed it but H had some trouble staying awake. I'm not sure, but I think this is about as far from replay behavior as one can get .
Then, on the same day, H asks me about going on vacation in August! I couldn't believe it - I was just about to tell him I was taking my own vacation in August because I couldn't wait any longer.
It was a good weekend, but in the old days I probably would have blown it. Some of H's PA tendencies seemed to come out on Sat, probably because he had to work that day. I almost fell into the old pattern of becoming angry, and causing the whole little issue to escalate. But instead of making my usual assumptions, I just asked him what he wanted to do and things turned so differently than I expected, it was a good reinforcement of the lessons I've learned.
I'm having a hard time believing this is working - maybe I didn't truly believe it could. I'm trying not to get too excited, but this is the first time H has made any plans that involve both of us since the bomb.
You named your post well ... the positives do just keep coming.
A vacation - whoa! Why don't you book the hotel rooms and make sure you only get ONE bed. You can always say you were trying to save money!
Great news and it does sound like he's "looking" for a reason to make you a couple again. Can't ask for more than that at this stage. I would take it in a "heartbeat".
Keep up the good work and yes I think you have learned a lot. This board is very good for that. If we make it I'm going to make sure I check in here at least once a week to make sure "I stay on track".
I am very happy for you and also envy you that you have achieved so many positives in your R with your H.
Your plan of listing what you did to invoke positive responses is very valuable for all friends in this bb.
I still can't figure out how to push my W's positive buttons. She is good showing her poker face. I have trouble understanding her emotion. I am trying very hard to be sentitive to her needs. But I am not good at mind reading. Any good suggestions?
Awesome!! You are figuring out what is working and using it to your advantage.
H is comfortable enough with you to want to spend time together. Any ideas on where you are going for vacation? Get your thinking cap on and make sure it is a time you can actually enjoy one anothers company and have fun!
Thanks you guys. I am putting together my list of what worked for me, and I'll post it as soon as I can.
I can tell you that the one thing that worked the best is also the hardest. I gave H space, space, space, and more space. I didn't ask him to do anything, didn't ask him for anything, and didn't ever ask him his plans (other than just making conversation like "do you have any big bike trips you want to go on?" And I made the transformation from sulker to being perfectly happy with whatever he was doing. I believe that this lead him to spend more time with me because there was absolutely NO pressure to talk about R or explain himself.
You sound wonderful!!
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