You're right - I really need to get away this weekend. I'm wavering but I'm going to make myself go. I think the timing is right for him to be a little lonely and missing me at home.
There are a lot of positives - this is something that I've really learned from journaling - how much of it you realize you missed until you really sit down and look at things in a reflective manner. I was never too successful at journaling previously but now I've learned so much about myself and H by doing it, it's hard to believe how much.
H's idea of volunteering really blew me away because he's just not that type of person, and this is so completely different from replay type of behavior. That one thing alone gives me great hope.
I was talking to my best friend last night who I've known since college, so she knows our entire history (she was there when we got engaged, was my matron of honor, etc. etc., and that's where I ran to last New Year's to lick my wounds.) I was trying to explain to her once again what it's really like - she keeps asking me how long I'm going to do this. But, as long as I see consistent (even though slow and small) improvements, it's not as difficult as it may seem. It can be discouraging, but there are many people on this bb who db under much more difficult circumstances.
It's really hot here also, and incredibly humid, with more thunderstorms on the way. A day or two at the shore sounds like just the ticket.
Quote: I was trying to explain to her once again what it's really like - she keeps asking me how long I'm going to do this.
This is going to be one of the toughest aspects of the journey, I4R. And you're either going to have to put on the blinders that allow those empty words to pass right by you or distance yourself from those who feel your choice isn't a good one or figure out a way to gently ask your friends for support.
I chose #3 when it DID crop up, and I reminded the ones who hated seeing my pain that I had to look myself in the mirror every morning, and that I would appreciate support in whatever shape or form that occurred. All my friends rose to the occasion beautifully, and I think I've learned as much from them on how to give unconditional support as they've learned from me (incredible patience in the face of adversity).
Just another great lesson in boundary setting...
Anyway, just keep doing more of what you're doing. You'll have fun in the midst of all this turmoil, and God knows, it's welcome and needed.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
My friend doesn't pressure me too much - she knows what I'm doing - but she just wants to make sure I'm not planning on doing it forever. Last night she wanted to make sure I had some kind of limit on the amount of time I'm going to give this. She even asked about one of my worst fears - what if he is OK with the way it is and that's as much as he wants (separate bedrooms). She felt much better when I said that was not an option for me. She's pretty supportive and knows that I want to be able to say that I gave it all I could, even if it doesn't work out.
I'm willing to work on this until I can't do it any more, but I'm not planning on settling for a marriage with no intimacy. Jeez, I hope that's not what he's thinking - he is a LD spouse, but even he can't think that will fly! In fact, before his bomb, I had many a thought about becoming a WAW because of his behavior coupled with the lack of intimacy. He was pretty quiet when I told him once that I understood that he wanted to leave because I had thought about leaving several times myself (wow - validating and pay back at the same time!).
So, I'm rolling along, up and down. It looks as if H's friend never moved into apt this summer but I'm not asking about it. H did call to say he was stopping there last night on his way home to check to see if there was any mail (let's hope he was talking junk mail), was wondering if he had the right set of keys. I did check the apt out once about two months ago and found no personal items of H's (yes, I did check the bathroom cabinets ) and I'm pretty sure he hasn't been there in between, especially if he didn't even know if he had the right keys.
So I'm still in the cautiously optomistic mode and trying to not take anything for granted. It may be my imagination but I think he may be checking me out a little more lately. Everyone else says I'm looking good, so maybe he thinks so also.
I'm trying not to get too excited but last night a bunch of positives came out of the blue.
H got home from bike ride a few min after I got home from work and I asked if he wanted to go eat at sandwich place, I had to fill up car, etc. He agreed and while we were talking I said I really should wash Mini for my road trip so friends see it looking good, and he said yes you should and then he said HE would wash it! (Right after he said it he realized that he couldn't because he has to work late tonight but who cares - he hasn't offered to wash my car in YEARS.
Stopped to get gas and H jumped out to pump - not something I've seen in a couple of years either. He usually just sat there and let me do it.
We stopped at bike shop first to drop off wheel for repair and I was going to wait in the car, but he came around driver's side and said I could come in with him, as if he wanted me to.
On the way back to car, I suggested maybe we could eat at the Japanese restaurant next to the bike shop instead, thinking for sure he would say no (it's one of those places with the seating around the chef who puts on a show) - he used to sort of complain about going there. At first he said no because he was going to an AA meeting later, but after a few more steps he stopped and said yes why don't we go there. We got seated right away and he spent the whole meal chatting away like he was trying to keep the conversation rolling. Strangely enough I didn't have as much to say - I think I was in shock by then.
In fact I was so stunned that I'm afraid I didn't respond to all of this as enthusiastically as I could have. But that's not something I'm going to stress about.
I know none of these things seem like a big deal, but after so many years of H being so totally detached, the whole feeling was quite different - it felt pretty close to how it was when we were dating and first married .
There's even a slight chance he may go with me this weekend. I asked if it was possible that they might finish work tonight and not have to work Sat, since this is what happened last weekend. When he said he didn't know, I just said, well I'm not leaving until Sat morn anyway so....
So I'm keeping a lid on my expectations but I can't deny that my PMA is way up today. And I made sure I looked good this morning before I left for work because if he works late tonight and has to work tomorrow, it might be his last view of me before I leave for the weekend.
Well maybe the "iceberg" is beginning to thaw? You are in a much better place than I am - and you're appreciating all the baby steps. I'm hoping some of your PMA will rub off on me. I know my H is slowly going forward again (where before he was in reverse) but I'm just not in a place that I can appreciate it. I'm happy you are and I think you should keep it up as it will help both of you in the long run.
Let us know what happened over the weekend! Inquiring minds want to know.
Thanks BF - I'm not always so appreciative of the baby steps. Sometimes I just want to give him the Cher smack and tell him to 'snap out of it.'
Well, I went away for the weekend and had a nice time with my old friend - I really envy her. After being divorced for about 18 yrs, she has married again and retired, and she and her H just spend all their time hanging out, traveling, and having fun. They seem very well matched.
I thought at the last minute H might go with me, and I think he might have if not for the long car trip. He did finish up work Friday night but said he just wanted to relax over the weekend "if that was OK with me!!???" Well, that was new - that he was even concerned. So I just said that was fine, no problem, Ok, yada, yada, and left early Sat.
H actually called cell phone around 1 pm to see if I was there yet (got there at 11:00), didn't get his message until I went to call him around 10 pm. The ride home Sun was miserable, rainy, lots of traffic, and took forever - H was riding out to meeting on Harley as I was coming in our street. He said he waited for me but had to leave for his meeting - looked happy to see me.
Later, H had one of his moments when he acted all weird about eating some of the sandwiches I had brought home from the party. Turns out he thought we hadn't kept them refrigerated. What a putz - as if I've ever given him bad food. After I assured him they were refrigerated and then put on ice in cooler for the trip home, he was brave enough to eat one. This is MIL's influence - I think she throws anything away that's been out more than an hour. But then again, she doesn't believe in having any leftovers - that means she made too much food and someone might get fat - Oh No! Sorry going off on a tangent here.
So, positives are still happening - I'm beginning to think I might be one of those success stories, but I'm still being cautious. H may be planning on spending the rest of our married life in the other bedroom. But, I still have high hopes - he even folded my jeans that I left in the dryer. Strangely enough this is the one thing we used to fight about, the laundry. The few times he did the laundry, he only put away his own clothes, and usually just took clothes out of the dryer and stuffed them in a basket and left them there all wadded up. Since the bomb, we each do our own laundry. I think he prefers it because he's always concerned that I don't put the wet clothes in the dryer fast enough - the MIL factor again. H really is a germophobe about some things. But the other week my SIL told me that MIL used to scrub the refrigerator with a toothbrush after visitors at the lake, so maybe he can't help it. Hey, maybe that's why he has no interest in sex - too many germs. Funny, that he has no trouble cooking on a grill that he NEVER cleans (because FIL's theory is that the crud burns off-WTF?), or putting an unwashed broiler pan back in the oven (does this routinely).
OK, now I'm just being pissy for no reason other than it's Monday. H has actually been really nice and gone out of his way to be very giving lately. It's a real turnaround I think.
Looks like your attitude is a winning one! And journaling those positives is only going to help you win this war.
I have to tell you I busted out laughing about the germaphobe comment. My MIL (who died in February) was also one of these. She also had aversion to hair--both human and pet hair. When she came to visit, she would literally invoke her gag reflex by looking at my cats.
Naturally, her son and I laughed behind her back! One time we went to dinner and there was a hair in her meal and she vomited all over the table. Jeez, where do these people come from?
You know what? Some battles are really not worth fighting. I think controlling his Mother induced fear of germs is a lost battle. So why not let him deal with his eccentricities and just do your own thing? It's not like it affects you or your daily life...
Okay, so was the beach worth the drive? I'm still salivating at the thought of some malt vinegar laden fries...
Keep journaling and remember the positives. Things always seem better when you're expecting good things.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I just did the same - laughed totally out loud when I read the hair-induced puking story. I once watched my MIL take apart an entire head of lettuce and wash each leaf individually and then wrapped it all back together with paper towels separating each layer - and this was on vacation at the beach. Another quirk H has from MIL is that neither of them can eat anything when you can see the actual animal, i.e., a lobster/crab. They can only eat it if someone else takes it out of the shell for them.
Even H can't stand it when we go out to eat and MIL never fails to exclaim every time they put the plate in front of her, "Oh this is too much food, I'll never be able to eat all of this." I mean she says it EVERY time. H and I usually nudge each other under the table right as the waiter sets down the plate, waiting for her to say it. And, she never fails to eat everything on the plate.
The biggest problem is that I think MIL was pretty emotionally distant despite the family-oriented obsession they all seem to have. I'm beginning to think that's the big family 'secret' that I suspect. Everything is 'family' but I don't think they ever spent much time appreciating their kids as individuals. I think they were all expected to be the same, never emotional, never causing disruption to the family unit (or causing MIL any distress). I've come to the conclusion that she is a real 'princess'. Just from what I've learned in the last few months, I've learned that, even though they had 5 little kids and FIL was still working on his doctorate (in the 50's) so was not even a full professor and had a mortgage, MIL had diaper service for each baby, cleaning women throughout H's childhood, H/siblings apparently didn't take lunch to school(bought school lunches). Neither of their families had any wealth at all. I don't know about anyone else, but that's not the way we lived back then and we were fairly middle class. Add the fact MIL always acts as if 5 kids didn't have much impact on her life, as if they always just did what they were supposed to, and it just seems a little strange to me. But then again I may be way off base and MIL/FIL are as perfect as their children see them.
Well, this is all just sideshow stuff. I only think about it when I'm trying to figure out what makes my H tick.
The weekend was good - I never stopped eating the entire weekend, watched the boat parade, and hung out with friends. I have to say I didn't even miss H.
More positives - I was out on the deck when H got home late after his meeting, and he started dinner for us. I finished the cooking, and then after, he took our plates in and cleaned up. It was like smooth-flowing teamwork.
Betsey 
) and I'm pretty sure he hasn't been there in between, especially if he didn't even know if he had the right keys.