Thanks guys. I don't know what came over me yesterday but I'm much better today. Sorry for such a bummer of a post. I stopped on my way home yesterday and had a manicure and pedicure (with massage chair), and after that treated myself to a frozen latte while I did some journaling. By the time I got home I was in better shape.
BF, I'm pretty lucky - in the beginning it was very difficult to be in the same house and I did very early on ask him to leave because it was so difficult. Thank goodness he didn't go (apt wasn't available then) because now it's not as hard (usually) as you might think. And I do give credit to H for that - it's only because he has tried pretty hard not to be hurtful that it's working. Not to say that he hasn't been pretty inconsiderate at times and often can't see beyond his own wants, but that's the MLC behavior we've all come to know and hate.
PIB - Even I thought it was strange that I was so down given that there were several strong baby steps this past week. I do try to list the positives for each day when I journal and that really helps a lot.
Example - This past Saturday was H's 3-yr anniversary of sobriety in AA (he had to start all over when he slipped up after over 16 yrs). The next day he told me that his buddy at the meeting in his congratulatory speech mentioned what an attractive and pleasant wife he has. He didn't have to tell me that but he did (and boy did I want to give that guy a big kiss).
New example (and probably why I am better today) - Last night I finally got up the nerve to ask about a weekend party we have been invited to in Ocean City, NJ. Of course he's been on his own biking vacation and I've been avoiding all discussion about joint vacation, afraid it would spook him. Last night I asked him if he wanted to go to X's for that party, and instead of 'maybe' or 'we'll see', he responded 'I don't know, do YOU want to go?' and it was obvious that it was the 4-hr drive to get there that was making him hesitate, rather than trying to avoid the whole thing. (I know - doesn't sound like much - you had to be there.) This is the first time in 7 mos that we may have an actual joint social engagement or planned outing of any kind - other than the in-law visits. I'm probably not explaining this well, but this is a huge baby step in my view.
I have been trying to keep his LL in mind. I try to use every opportunity to validate and cheerlead. I'm really getting the hang of it and now I remember that I used to do this in the beginning. I've been thinking about somehow getting him to read the book - I know that he has no clue about my LL being quality time.
I don't know how I'm going to tell him that he's not getting his side of the bed back if he ever moves back in. I have taken over that side and I don't want to give it up.
I have been trying to act more like a girlfriend - dressing up more when we go out, wearing makeup, wearing sexier/more feminine clothes, etc.
Thanks again for the encouragement. I think I'm back on track. I'm patting myself on the back that I didn't let any of my pissy mood out in front of H. This is something I did regularly in the pre-bomb days, so if nothing else at least I've learned that lesson.
I did get a good chuckle from someone's post yesterday - can't remember who, who said "If H lost a leg I wouldn't leave him so I can't bolt just because he's lost his friggen mind."
