Thanks guys. I don't know what came over me yesterday but I'm much better today. Sorry for such a bummer of a post. I stopped on my way home yesterday and had a manicure and pedicure (with massage chair), and after that treated myself to a frozen latte while I did some journaling. By the time I got home I was in better shape.
BF, I'm pretty lucky - in the beginning it was very difficult to be in the same house and I did very early on ask him to leave because it was so difficult. Thank goodness he didn't go (apt wasn't available then) because now it's not as hard (usually) as you might think. And I do give credit to H for that - it's only because he has tried pretty hard not to be hurtful that it's working. Not to say that he hasn't been pretty inconsiderate at times and often can't see beyond his own wants, but that's the MLC behavior we've all come to know and hate.
PIB - Even I thought it was strange that I was so down given that there were several strong baby steps this past week. I do try to list the positives for each day when I journal and that really helps a lot.
Example - This past Saturday was H's 3-yr anniversary of sobriety in AA (he had to start all over when he slipped up after over 16 yrs). The next day he told me that his buddy at the meeting in his congratulatory speech mentioned what an attractive and pleasant wife he has. He didn't have to tell me that but he did (and boy did I want to give that guy a big kiss).
New example (and probably why I am better today) - Last night I finally got up the nerve to ask about a weekend party we have been invited to in Ocean City, NJ. Of course he's been on his own biking vacation and I've been avoiding all discussion about joint vacation, afraid it would spook him. Last night I asked him if he wanted to go to X's for that party, and instead of 'maybe' or 'we'll see', he responded 'I don't know, do YOU want to go?' and it was obvious that it was the 4-hr drive to get there that was making him hesitate, rather than trying to avoid the whole thing. (I know - doesn't sound like much - you had to be there.) This is the first time in 7 mos that we may have an actual joint social engagement or planned outing of any kind - other than the in-law visits. I'm probably not explaining this well, but this is a huge baby step in my view.
I have been trying to keep his LL in mind. I try to use every opportunity to validate and cheerlead. I'm really getting the hang of it and now I remember that I used to do this in the beginning. I've been thinking about somehow getting him to read the book - I know that he has no clue about my LL being quality time.
I don't know how I'm going to tell him that he's not getting his side of the bed back if he ever moves back in. I have taken over that side and I don't want to give it up.
I have been trying to act more like a girlfriend - dressing up more when we go out, wearing makeup, wearing sexier/more feminine clothes, etc.
Thanks again for the encouragement. I think I'm back on track. I'm patting myself on the back that I didn't let any of my pissy mood out in front of H. This is something I did regularly in the pre-bomb days, so if nothing else at least I've learned that lesson.
I did get a good chuckle from someone's post yesterday - can't remember who, who said "If H lost a leg I wouldn't leave him so I can't bolt just because he's lost his friggen mind."
Funny comment about the leg vs the mind. I read one on a post that said - "everything will be OK in the end. If it's not OK then it's not the end". So, I guess with you and I and our H's it's not the end.
I wonder what they do to help them vent and sort? This board is a tremendous help explaining what might be going on within the R. They have nothing explained to them so are they just "lost" or do they take "the easy way out" and just don't think about it? Crazy-making isn't it!
You should "pat yourself on the back" as I know how difficult it is not to tell them what you are feeling. I wonder if part of them not wanting to hear about "our feelings" might be they don't even want to think about theirs much less ours? If you are avoiding feeling then someone else having them must be even more overwhelming.
I think I'll call it a night and get some rest. I need it as I think I've confused myself.
Thanks for stopping by - I'm having a so-so day. It's one of those things you learn just comes with the territory. Some days are good, some days are not so good. You have to roll with it and recognize that it's temporary. This was a big lesson for me - I've always been a real all or nothing type of thinker.
I have come to recognize that Mondays are a low point for me - probably something to do with unmet expectations (and sleeping alone) for the previous weekend. It's not logical because often there have been many positives during the weekend, including this past one.
1. H decided not to ride bicycle Sat morn so we went to drop his truck off for repair and went get bagels. Nice time.
2. It seems to have become important to H that I know when he has done something around the house - not the usual replay kind of thinking. He's starting to 'do his share' a little more. We met at a restaurant for a late lunch after his bicycle ride Sun, and when I said I had done a little grocery shopping, a short time later he was letting me know that he had cleaned up the kitchen, emptied and filled the dishwasher. (The dishwasher is really his only designated household task and I stopped picking up the slack on it many months ago.) Sat morn, while I was vacuuming, he went out and cut down a small tree damaged by Hurricane Isabel and then came in to tell me like he was afraid I wouldn't notice.
3. H mentioned that he would like to volunteer for something - definitely not a replay kind of thing and something he has not done before. I suggested 'Meals on Wheels' and he seemed to like that idea. What a switch!!
4. I slipped again and referred to something that assumed we have a future - going in with his Dad on buying a small boat after they move to MD. I'm afraid this type of talk is making him nervous, but he reacted fairly positively (but then he's a good pretender).
5. H started to get real irritated Sat night when he wanted to make a sandwich and thought we didn't have bread (or that the bread was too old - he's real fussy about this issue). I could actually see that he pulled himself back and forced himself to not make a big deal out of it, as if he didn't want me to think he was blaming me. (And it turns out the bread was fine and I had more rolls in the freezer, whew!) I know during the anger phase that he used to automatically blame me for any household shortages, even though I work longer hrs than he does and he was using his free time to pursue only his personal interests.
6. The other night (Thurs?) when I got home, H was exercising in the basement and when I suggested pizza for dinner, he said why don't we have pasta that we have in fridge. Then he said HE would make it when he finished working out. So I took him at his word and just relaxed. He made dinner and also served us ice cream for desert. A very pleasant switch from how it's been for many months now.
7. Regarding our invitation to Ocean City, NJ this weekend, H came home the other night and said he had to work the next two Sats, and then he showed me a copy of his work schedule that he just got, as if he was trying to tell me he wasn't just making an excuse.
So all in all a pretty good weekend and no reason to be low this morning. I already feel better after reviewing the positives. It's easier to see that he seems to be moving away from many of the replay antics.
I think I really must go to Ocean City by myself this weekend although I'm not looking forward to the drive either. I've been hanging around too much lately and probably becoming boring and non-mysterious. I also need some vacation time and although I'm not thrilled about going without H, I really believe it's the db thing to do. What do y'all think?
I've not posted to you before, though have been a lurker... My roots are in your area, and I always feel a kindred spirit with my fellow DC-based BB friends.
Maybe it's because I've been hankering for some Ocean Slutty fries with some malt vinegar on them, but I really think you ought to get out there and really start getting used to doing fun things by yourself.
The old me would have declined, and then sat around all weekend pouting because I wasn't doing anything fun. Do you do this too? Resentment occurs when we are not doing things for ourselves but depending on others to fulfill needs that are not being met... I think Mr. Wonderful and I were poster children for resentment because we both sat around and figured that the reason we were miserable was because the other person was not taking care of what we needed to do for ourselves.
And do yourself a favor? On the 3 hour trip across Rt. 50? Plug in some fun tunes and don't give your brain the opportunity to ruin some quality time with yourself. It will all work itself out over time, and fretting about it on a fun excursion really sucks.
Go have some fun! And would ya have a few fries for me?
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Quote: I think Mr. Wonderful and I were poster children for resentment because we both sat around and figured that the reason we were miserable was because the other person was not taking care of what we needed to do for ourselves.
Thanks for your input - I'm a Betsy too, without the 'e'. You've hit the nail on the head exactly. I had a lot of resentment in the past of H going off without me instead of making my own plans. Why was I doing laundry while he was riding his Harley?
That's why I'm going to make myself go this weekend and have fun, even though I'm hesitating. Plus, my Mini (yellow with black top) needs some serious motoring time!
Now you got it! A mini DEMANDS that sort of road trip, and fun to boot. You really deserve to let the hair down and be the fun loving girl that is locked inside.
Hey, I didn't go to elementary school with you, did I? If your maiden name starts with a D... we need to do some serious chatting!
Cathy, I think the goal is to get the faces off the posters and the milk cartons! My problem is that Mr. W. keeps finding posters that were put up years ago, and they remind him of previous hurts and transgressions. How about we direct a campaign of removing our surly faces from this type of medium?
I4R, you get the chance to plop your butt on a towel in the sand, hear the loud cackle of other people's voices while you drift off to oblivion and occasionally venture to the boardwalk for some fries and slushy lemonade... Can I say I'm jealous?
Everything you are concerned about will still be home waiting for you when you return. It's up to you to leave it behind so you can let go of some of this garbage. Too much is at stake for you not to be a little mysterious. Have you ventured up to Newcomers to check out the "Adding mystery" thread? They have some great ideas...
Good luck!
Betsey with an e, thanks to her mother's syntax
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Go have fun if you can. I was told by my W that I was around too much. It bothered her that I did not play golf more or go out with friends. I thought I was being good by being available. As it turns out, she was not getting the alone time at home.
You should re-read your post - I see a lot of positives things going on. Other than him not going this weekend (and even with that, he was concerned enough to bring "a note from the Dr" as to why he couldn't go)the rest of the time sounds like he's beginning to think about more than "just himself" - you are now being included in the thought process.
I understand the feeling it's like watching a snail race but at least the race is moving forward not backward. So, enjoy the good things and also enjoy your "time away".
It's hot as He@@ here this week I wish I could come join you.
My roots are in your area, and I always feel a kindred spirit with my fellow DC-based BB friends.
Betsey 