Well it’s been a while since I updated my own thread. Haven’t had much time to get in barely one post each day, so I’ve been bouncing all around.
After another holiday weekend basically spent alone, I’m running low on that essential ingredient, patience. I’ve been dbing for over 7 mos and I think I’m running out of steam. Not since the first couple of weeks after the bomb has a single R question passed my lips, no demands, no questions, nothing. I haven’t even asked why he hasn’t moved out (6 months since he was going). What I have received in return is no answers, no information, more responsibilities for me to take care of, little companionship, and no intimacy.
I’m coming to the conclusion that H doesn’t want me but that it’s just too comfortable for him and for his bicycling and motorcycling. And of course he doesn’t want to leave the dogs. I think he has no interest in me beyond a dining companion. Yes I’m sure he thinks I’m a wonderful person, and he doesn’t want to hurt me, but I think he’s still here only because it would be too inconvenient for him to live in the apartment. It doesn’t seem as if our friend who was going to use the apt this summer has ever moved in, and I’m afraid to ask what happened with that.
Even though there were some positives this past weekend, I have a sinking feeling that we’re going to take a turn for the worse. In fact I think the positives may produce a backlash. I actually mentioned something this weekend that made it clear I assumed we would be together in the future and he went along as if he did too. Now I think maybe it he’s thinking that he’s has to remind me that I shouldn’t be thinking this way (a lot of thinking going on!). This is the first reference in 7 months of ANY kind that I have made to anything further into the future than a day or two. I wish I had kept my mouth shut.
Last night when we went out to grab some dinner, I got that feeling that he wanted to say something, but he never did. The last time I saw this, it turned out he was planning on telling me he was leaving again (even though he never did). So I have no evidence, and I’m just A$$uming, but I have a bad feeling that I should prepare myself.
I’m starting to want some kind of resolution, good or bad. I’m afraid that best friends IS all he wants to be. I can’t believe he would stay here for so many months and string me along this way, but it is all about him and what’s most convenient for him.
I can feel the old anger coming back. H has done nothing but pursue his own selfish interests for years now. He doesn’t contribute hardly any effort to our household and only wants to do his own thing without me. We have no physical relationship. So what that he’s nice about it, it’s still not a marriage. In fact, the more objectively I look at it, the crazier I think I am to try and save it.
So I’m venting here rather than telling him to take a hike. But I feel as if I’m getting closer to giving up. I suppose I’ll feel differently in a day or so, but is that a good thing? If I had any self-respect wouldn’t I just tell him to leave? The man so clearly wants to live his life as if he’s single, but he’s willing to let me do most of the work to make his ‘single’ life comfy.
I feel like crying for the first time in many months.
