Hi BF - just responded on your thread. You've described it very well, up, down, sideways, and all around, usually all in one day. It's really just storming in inside my head, I haven't completely lost my balance.
Wishing, This issue was a real shocker for me. I guess I thought I was so smart - thought for sure he would move back into our room while IL's were here, that he would never allow them to be confronted with this. I was all wrong. He wasn't even going to move out of the room he's in, the guest room they always stay in. At the last minute he decided to give them that room, but still stayed in one of the other bedrooms. When he first told me he was going to give his parents the smaller extra room because he didn't want to move all of his stuff, I asked was he going to stay in that room while they were here, and he replied 'yes' very clearly as if wanted no misunderstanding.
So for the last two days we've all been pretending that everything is fine. Today, ILs leave our house to go to BIL's on MD Eastern Shore and we'll be going there tomorrow for get-together. Can't wait !
So, I'm a little disgusted with the whole thing right now. Last night my parents called to wish me a Happy Anniversary because they missed us while we were out the night before. H didn't even bother to get on the phone even though I'm pretty sure he knew it was them. This has always been a source of resentment for me also. H seems to think the sun and moon should revolve around his family but barely hides the fact he wants to leave as soon as possible when we visit my parents (and get to his parents at the next stop). We haven't visited my parents in about two years but we see his several times a year. Nice huh? Especially when my parents have already deeded their 100-acre property over to us (shared with my two brothers). Sometimes I can't believe what a schmuck my H is. Even though my IL's are very pleasant, I can't recall the last time they went out of their way or did anything for anyone, not even for their own son who had two severely mentally and physically handicapped children. I don't think they ever visited them at their house in the 14yrs I've been married - that BIL/SIL always had to transport those children with them up to the "Lake" to see H's parents. Even as dysfunctional as my family can be, I know if one of us were in that situation, my parents would have gone out of their way to make our lives easier rather than expect everyone to come to them. H's parents seem to not think much beyond their own convenience, in a nice way of course.
Consequently, this is how H also lives his life, which is fine for a single guy. But then again, maybe that's why he wants to be single again, he just can't deal with having to consider another person.
I think H and his four siblings have always continued to put their parents ahead of even their own spouses. When H is with his parents, he's like a different person, and his attitude to me when they visit makes me feel as if my only purpose in being there is to make everything as perfect as possible for them. Gd forbid if something goes wrong or breaks while they're with us and NEVER does anyone correct or contradict ILs no matter what stupid or incorrect thing they might say. There's something buried deep there, because on the surface they seem so pleasant, but it's not normal to not EVER have any kind of disagreement or conflict among seven family members.
Well, I don't know why I'm rambling on about H's family. I would need years of training in psychiatry to even start to decipher them. Just having one big rant because I always feel minimized by H when we're with them, and now it's a real rejection rather than only in my head.
Wishing, you asked a simple question and I've written a long essay!
Just listening to all those interactions makes me glad I don't have IL issues to deal with. I know you've said before that your H considered your IL the "cats meow" but that's a bit much.
I'm with you I would have thought he wouldn't want his parents to know what was going on in his "personal" life. I know my H is like that ... he doesn't tell any one any thing. So, that had to be really hard to hear and deal with.
You know when they change so rapidly and act so differently from what they use to be like - it just isn't normal. I think that's why we keep "hanging in there". It wasn't that long ago they were great guys. It's like "prince charming" went backwards. If I thought he was going to remain "this way" forever I would just pack it up now and call it a day. However, every so often I see a little glimpse of my "real" H to keep me dangling a little longer.
Well the weekend was really quite pleasant. Went to the Eastern Shore Sat to visit BIL/SIL where MIL/FIL were spending the weekend. Even though we were all pretending no one knows about any problems, it was a very nice time. They live on a lovely spot on the Wye River and the weather was great. Four of their five children (all in their 20's) were there (H's nieces and nephew) so that was also enjoyable. I'm sure they are all wondering about H and me, but they are all too polite and good-natured to show it in any way. I know they are all hoping everything works out for us. They were all there when we started dating, and were at our wedding, and the 3 girls were in our wedding. It was a very exciting time for them when their Uncle R was finally getting married.
Strangely enough, while we were there, H seemed to want to stay close to me. Even when his brother and father were over at the grill (a major male bonding thing in H's family), H stayed on the porch with 'ladies'. When they all went for a boat ride, SIL and I went shopping to dish and buy Father's Day gifts. All and all, a much nicer time than I was expecting.
I do feel badly for SIL though. She's been putting up with MLC crap from H's brother for at least 4 yrs, and hiding it from everyone also. I was shocked when I found out after our crisis began, and know H would be also if he knew. Her H's excuse for what started it is her weight!! - Believe me, my SIL is hardly overweight, and is a very attractive mid-50's women who has had 5 children, all of whom she brought up to be amazingly warm and unspoiled adults despite having every advantage in life. His behavior is so much worse than I'm dealing with - really rude, disrespectful, and cruel (except when others are around). It's so sad because they used to be so happy - the proverbial perfect couple. She has now basically given up after trying to change all the things he said were wrong, and just goes her own way. I feel badly that their kids, just starting their adult lives, with two of them newlyweds, are now confronted with their parents' and H's marital difficulties without really understanding what's happening. SIL and I can't explain it to them because we don't understand it either.
One weird thing - when IL's were talking about being without a home between selling their Fl condo and waiting for a cottage at their new retirement place in MD, H said his apt would be available!? Of course they all laughed when I answered MIL's question of how many rooms it had. As if she could ever live in an efficiency apt! She's still unwilling to give up any space moving into a luxury assisted living type facility. At 85 yrs old, she still wants full LR/DR, Sunroom, Den, 2 BRs, garage, at least 2 full baths, etc. Well - to each his own. Seems a little excessive given that they have some financial worries.
When this discussion came up, I became a little nervous. I'm afraid we may be expected to offer them a place to live for an indefinite number of months later this year. We have a 4-BR house and no children, so it would be the logical and decent thing to do. I hope it doesn't come to that and I'm not going to worry about it before I even know it's necessary. I'm just glad H didn't offer it right then and there.
Despite my description's of H's past behavior around his parents, he was very noticeably more relaxed around them this visit - not so focused on everything being perfect for them. It was so much more relaxing than other times. Is this a positive consequence of a MLC or is he just growing up?
So, I'm feeling pretty good after a relaxing weekend. H even cut his bike ride short yesterday to come home and eat lunch with me. Well I don't know if it was for me, exactly, but he called from ride and said he was not going the whole way and did I want to meet him for lunch. I spent the rest of the day working in the yard while he fooled around on computer and went for motorcycle ride.
Sorry to ramble on so long about what was basically a 'normal' weekend, but maybe it was just that normalcy that made it good.
Well the weekend was really quite pleasant. Went to the Eastern Shore Sat to visit BIL/SIL where MIL/FIL were spending the weekend. Even though we were all pretending no one knows about any problems, it was a very nice time. They live on a lovely spot on the Wye River and the weather was great. Four of their five children (all in their 20's) were there (H's nieces and nephew) so that was also enjoyable. I'm sure they are all wondering about H and me, but they are all too polite and good-natured to show it in any way. I know they are all hoping everything works out for us. They were all there when we started dating, and were at our wedding, and the 3 girls were in our wedding. It was a very exciting time for them when their Uncle R was finally getting married.
Strangely enough, while we were there, H seemed to want to stay close to me. Even when his brother and father were over at the grill (a major male bonding thing in H's family), H stayed on the porch with 'ladies'. When they all went for a boat ride, SIL and I went shopping to dish and buy Father's Day gifts. All and all, a much nicer time than I was expecting.
I do feel badly for SIL though. She's been putting up with MLC crap from H's brother for at least 4 yrs, and hiding it from everyone also. I was shocked when I found out after our crisis began, and know H would be also if he knew. Her H's excuse for what started it is her weight!! - Believe me, my SIL is hardly overweight, and is a very attractive mid-50's women who has had 5 children, all of whom she brought up to be amazingly warm and unspoiled adults despite having every advantage in life. His behavior is so much worse than I'm dealing with - really rude, disrespectful, and cruel (except when others are around). It's so sad because they used to be so happy - the proverbial perfect couple. She has now basically given up after trying to change all the things he said were wrong, and just goes her own way. I feel badly that their kids, just starting their adult lives, with two of them newlyweds, are now confronted with their parents' and H's marital difficulties without really understanding what's happening. SIL and I can't explain it to them because we don't understand it either.
One weird thing - when IL's were talking about being without a home between selling their Fl condo and waiting for a cottage at their new retirement place in MD, H said his apt would be available!? Of course they all laughed when I answered MIL's question of how many rooms it had. As if she could ever live in an efficiency apt! She's still unwilling to give up any space moving into a luxury assisted living type facility. At 85 yrs old, she still wants full LR/DR, Sunroom, Den, 2 BRs, garage, at least 2 full baths, etc. Well - to each his own. Seems a little excessive given that they have some financial worries.
When this discussion came up, I became a little nervous. I'm afraid we may be expected to offer them a place to live for an indefinite number of months later this year. We have a 4-BR house and no children, so it would be the logical and decent thing to do. I hope it doesn't come to that and I'm not going to worry about it before I even know it's necessary. I'm just glad H didn't offer it right then and there.
Despite my description's of H's past behavior around his parents, he was very noticeably more relaxed around them this visit - not so focused on everything being perfect for them. It was so much more relaxing than other times. Is this a positive consequence of a MLC or is he just growing up?
So, I'm feeling pretty good after a relaxing weekend. H even cut his bike ride short yesterday to come home and eat lunch with me. Well I don't know if it was for me, exactly, but he called from ride and said he was not going the whole way and did I want to meet him for lunch. I spent the rest of the day working in the yard while he fooled around on computer and went for motorcycle ride.
Sorry to ramble on so long about what was basically a 'normal' weekend, but maybe it was just that normalcy that made it good.
Funny how sometimes we can spend so much time worrying about things that never come "to be". You were really dreading going there and yet - ended up having a good time. Wonder if we should all take a lesson from that and not worry about things we can't control. However, I do know that once I start "dreading" things it doesn't stop until the day is over. I really would like to work on that.
I can't imagine putting up with this MLC craziness for 4 years especially with someone that isn't even trying to be civil. It's hard enough with someone like our H that are decent just distant but putting up with a cruel spouse has really got to be almost impossible.
Glad you had a good time and H was good with you. It would have been a long day if he had been otherwise!
With the rollercoaster ride we are all on, anything resembling normalcy is a time to enjoy! It is also that normalcy that will help H to remember the days when things WERE good between you.
Well it’s been a while since I updated my own thread. Haven’t had much time to get in barely one post each day, so I’ve been bouncing all around.
After another holiday weekend basically spent alone, I’m running low on that essential ingredient, patience. I’ve been dbing for over 7 mos and I think I’m running out of steam. Not since the first couple of weeks after the bomb has a single R question passed my lips, no demands, no questions, nothing. I haven’t even asked why he hasn’t moved out (6 months since he was going). What I have received in return is no answers, no information, more responsibilities for me to take care of, little companionship, and no intimacy.
I’m coming to the conclusion that H doesn’t want me but that it’s just too comfortable for him and for his bicycling and motorcycling. And of course he doesn’t want to leave the dogs. I think he has no interest in me beyond a dining companion. Yes I’m sure he thinks I’m a wonderful person, and he doesn’t want to hurt me, but I think he’s still here only because it would be too inconvenient for him to live in the apartment. It doesn’t seem as if our friend who was going to use the apt this summer has ever moved in, and I’m afraid to ask what happened with that.
Even though there were some positives this past weekend, I have a sinking feeling that we’re going to take a turn for the worse. In fact I think the positives may produce a backlash. I actually mentioned something this weekend that made it clear I assumed we would be together in the future and he went along as if he did too. Now I think maybe it he’s thinking that he’s has to remind me that I shouldn’t be thinking this way (a lot of thinking going on!). This is the first reference in 7 months of ANY kind that I have made to anything further into the future than a day or two. I wish I had kept my mouth shut.
Last night when we went out to grab some dinner, I got that feeling that he wanted to say something, but he never did. The last time I saw this, it turned out he was planning on telling me he was leaving again (even though he never did). So I have no evidence, and I’m just A$$uming, but I have a bad feeling that I should prepare myself.
I’m starting to want some kind of resolution, good or bad. I’m afraid that best friends IS all he wants to be. I can’t believe he would stay here for so many months and string me along this way, but it is all about him and what’s most convenient for him.
I can feel the old anger coming back. H has done nothing but pursue his own selfish interests for years now. He doesn’t contribute hardly any effort to our household and only wants to do his own thing without me. We have no physical relationship. So what that he’s nice about it, it’s still not a marriage. In fact, the more objectively I look at it, the crazier I think I am to try and save it.
So I’m venting here rather than telling him to take a hike. But I feel as if I’m getting closer to giving up. I suppose I’ll feel differently in a day or so, but is that a good thing? If I had any self-respect wouldn’t I just tell him to leave? The man so clearly wants to live his life as if he’s single, but he’s willing to let me do most of the work to make his ‘single’ life comfy.
I feel like crying for the first time in many months.
I hear you "loud and clear" this is really tiresome but then I that's what the "old timers" have been telling us. I can't believe how many times I can go from I give up - to - I'm hanging in there. If I can change my mind (and I still have the ability to think) I hate to wonder how many "ups and downs" he's having (since it's obvious he's totally lost his reasoning ability).
I think you are right in that for now they just really like us. It's up to us to make sure that "really like" turns back into love. That is if we can hold out that long. I know at the beginning of this I was willing to wait a year or so. But, that year has come and gone and I feel like we've gone backward and that's frustrating me a lot. My guy also "slips" in the " little reminders" of what isn't going to be and I just feel like smacking him!
The only thing that keeps me from just giving up is I really do think they are in pain. They are lost and aren't sure about anything. So, they are "running in place" trying everything to make the pain go away. Well, everything except face it and deal with it "head on".
I'm better today - hope you can get your PMA back up. I'm beginning to think it's easier with him not here since I don't expect anything from him when I can't see him. In some ways you have the "harder road" seeing him but not being able to touch. That's really hard I know!
The only thing that keeps me from just giving up is I really do think they are in pain. They are lost and aren't sure about anything. So, they are "running in place" trying everything to make the pain go away. Well, everything except face it and deal with it "head on".
I have to agree with this.
I've just finished reading this thread. There were lots of baby steps. Great positives abound.
Have you tried writing 3 positives daily? That helps me a lot.
Also, have you kept up with speaking his love language?
Still taking some time for yourself after work each day?
Have you rearranged things in your bedroom to make it more yours?
Done anything towards being more mysterious? More like a girlfriend and less like a wife?
I know you are feeling close to giving up. As an outsider looking at your situation, I think you are doing great!
And if at this point, he does move out, I suspect he'll realize how much he misses you quite quickly.
After all, you've done an incredible job of building up positive memories for the past 7 months. Go YOU!
!