Don't rush it. I think that's what happened with us. He re-connected too fast and then de-compressed, panicked and ran for the hills.It's taken a couple of months to get to where we were 6 months ago. I think the second time was harder and he's still not where he was. So, whatever you do don't be in a hurry.
Be happy with the little things and just plan on everything taking twice as long as what you thought it might. I think if they rush then what happens is like the "rubber band" effect and they shoot backwards.
Believe me I know how tiresome it is to act like you are just friends when you've had so much more than before. But, look at some of these other guys that won't talk or see there W for months on end. What you have is much better than that.
You're right - I do have a lot of positives but we always want more. I was just sitting here reading other threads and thinking I'm very thankful for a lot of the good things about H and our R. There is no OW, he's still at house, he is still pretty considerate (sometimes just like a dream husband!), and he does spend as much time with me as any husband does. In fact, except fo the physical R, everything else seems close to perfect.
I also remind myself that my PA H is not the type to ever actually apologize or say he's changed his mind. He uses very obscure truce triggers and we generally did not explicitly 'make up' after a tiff (we rarely had fights - have to avoid that conflict!). We just sort of moved on. So, it's very likely that he never will SAY he wants to work on the R.
The call late yesterday saying he is moving out of the room he's in does tell me he at least thinks about things. Obviously he was thinking about it all day and felt he needed to tell me (he had therapist appt and would be getting home late) sooner rather than later.
I am doing something to add a little mystery or whatever tonight. I have to go to a client's picnic this evening, and I've known about it for weeks, but haven't mentioned it. I thought I would just call later and say "I forgot to tell you I have to go to 'so-and so's picnic so I'll be home a little late, go ahead and eat dinner without me". Of course he will know this is a custom home builder and the picnic will likely have lots of male construction workers. So while I'm picnicking with the guys , he can do the final preparations for his parents visit tomorrow. I don't feel guilty - I spent the week cleaning while he was in Utah.
Today is my 14th Anniversary. I was totally blown away to get a 'Happy Anniversary' and a kiss from H this morning! I know enough not to expect flowers and I'm grateful and curious that he remembered and acknowledged the day. I guess my gift will be the ILs arriving today.
So I feel OK right now, still feeling cautiously optomistic but trying to keep my expectatons low. Our interaction is good lately but the signals from H are so contradictory - he acts as if he wants to be around me but adamant about staying in other bedroom. He never talks about situation but observes every courtesy and is a very pleasant companion. He hasn't left but doesn't indicate he has changed his plan to move out when apt becomes empty again.
As expected, my friends are really starting to ask how long I'm going to put up with this situation. They think more than 6 months is long enough. I usually just say that I'll keep doing it until I can't do it anymore.
Right now I'm experiencing a little patience deficit but it's not too serious. I'm planning on really observing the interaction between H and his parents with a 'beginner's mind' over the next few days to see if I can learn anything new.
I'm sorry to say that in the back of my mind I have this sense of impending doom. That after all of this, his feelings have not changed and he just can't love me, but if that's the case, what is he doing staying?
Quote: I'm sorry to say that in the back of my mind I have this sense of impending doom. That after all of this, his feelings have not changed and he just can't love me, but if that's the case, what is he doing staying?
I have had that same feeling for quite awhile now, and just can't figure out why H stays but yet is unwilling to talk or work on R. I just figure we have guys that do a lot of thinking and are not going to give us any verbal hope until they are 100% sure about committing back into the M.
My H also does the common courtesy thing and continues to do the little things that one would expect from a spouse, but yet there are no words of hope or physical touch.
I like your idea of watching and observing with IL's and am very curious how your H will act towards you with his parents there.
Hey flowers and a kiss (not to mention he remembered without being told )! What a good way to start out your day.
Maybe you need to look at this as he's taking a vacation from being intimate with you. He still loves and cares for you but trying to "take care" of you - and him at the same time is just overwhelming. This is what I've been thinking is going on with my H. He's drowning (not literally - although there are times I've thought about helping it become literal ) and if he reaches out to connect with you in "that way" he will go totally under.
I know I'm no good at it either but just enjoy what he is able to give at the moment. If he's this way for 2 years but comes back to what he use to be like - won't it be worth the 2 years?
I don't have the "impending doom" fear (although I have had it in the past). Now, it feels more like we will "go through time" just talking on the phone and getting together and being friends. Not how I want to spend the rest of my life. I want someone I'm connected with fully ... not part way. But, like I said I think they are trying to save "their souls" and can't give anything more to us at this time in their lives. Hopefully - it won't be forever - but unfortunately just not any time soon.
This is just peachy. I'm going home to face my IL's this afternoon, in about an hour I'm supposed to go the White House and look at the floors in the Oval Office, and my SIL just told me her H told her that my IL's know that my H wants to leave me. I guess they've all been making a fool out of me, while I've been pretending everything is Ok to spare them. Last time I asked, H told me he hadn't told them. This is such a farce.
I know I'm making assumptions but can't get H on the cell phone to ask directly. Well, if I find out they know I may just spend the next couple of nights in the apt myself.
Weathered the first night with the IL's. I can't really figure out what they know - H and his family are superb actors when it comes to avoiding anything unpleasant. But then again they are also getting a little foggy about things at their age. They didn't seem to remember that they were here just last Thanksgiving.
I did ask H if they knew about us, actually called him from inside the White House while waiting for our meeting. He said that he has talked to his father a little, but that's all. When I said I wanted to know before I saw them if I was going to look like a fool, H made a strange comment like, "Don't worry, we're doing alright." This seems to be a pretty typical occurrence - H makes a comment and I can't quite figure out what he's saying. I usually don't ask because I'm trying to not look like I'm analyzing everything.
Anyway, White House was cool. Of course security is a lot tighter than it used to be. While we were in East Room waiting for our contact, President Bush landed outside window in Marine One helicopter so we had great view. It's a little ironic given all our difficult customers among the rich and aimless, it's always a pleasure to work with the people at the Capitol and White House. The civil servant employees at those two places are always incredibly pleasant and helpful, when you might think they would be the most demanding and difficult. In fact, it's usually the appointment types who come to work for the term who are the most difficult, and sorry if anyone is offended, but in my experience the democrats are generally more arrogant than the republicans (it's a DC phenomenon). Sorry, getting off track.
My H DID buy me roses for our anniversary. I was so pleased although I'll never know if he did it for me or because his parents were there. Also H is not the type to know the significance of red roses. Not going to worry about it.
So evening was very pleasant. My IL's are easy to get along with, just kind of Stepfordish. Didn't know quite what to say when they asked how I had lost so much weight, couldn't say stress caused by your son. I've actually put back on half of what I originally lost.
H is always the perfect husband when his family is around, but I'm not falling for that again like I did last Thanksgiving. I believed it then, and thought our relationship was really improving, only to have the bottom drop out almost as soon as they left. When I asked about his behavior at Thanksgiving, H said he likes to put up a good front around his family. Let's just say he does an excellent job. When MIL was talking about the roses he gave me, she said 'See, he's still very romantic'. Does she think I'm the one who wants to leave?
Strangely enough, in the middle of the evening, H asks me to help him change the sheets on their bed for them (where he's been sleeping). Not quite sure what that was about, like he couldn't handle it himself?, but I think it may have had something to do with dropping the rope a little. In the past I have done all (and I mean all) of the preparation for their visits - cleaning entire house, grocery shopping, getting guest room ready, changing linens, towels, etc. This time I cleaned the whole rest of the house except those areas that he has taken over, i.e., the kitchen table and the guest room. This is me not taking control. He even mentioned that he guesses they'll have to use DR table because his papers/stuff are all over kitchen table. Guess so ! I think he really thought I eventually would take care of these things before they got there.
It was certainly nice not to have to worry about it and for once H didn't seem too concerned (I assume because he had only himself to blame). In the past H has always been so concerned if things were clean enough for them, even though he wasn't helping much. (These are people who don't visit their own daughter at her house because the house isn't kept up to their standards!)
Well, I see I'm just rambling rather than focusing on anything productive. Time to get some work done.
I think you are very right. One of the things I've finally learned is that my H processes things for a looooong time, and he does it differently than I do. I believe that's why he's still in the other bedroom, or at least that's what I tell myself.
On my good days, I ignore that fear that it may all be for nothing. After all, another thing I've learned is how wrong many of my assumptions can be.
Haven't observed anything unusual yet with ILs and H, except of course the usual weirdness of H acting as if everything is perfect when they're around.
What a great way to take your mind off your problems ... go visit the White House! I never would have thought of that (or got invited). That's great.
Sounds like you have been all over the roller coaster in the last 24 hours. Up, down and sideways but seem to now be on a more even keel. Glad to hear it.
Seems like H is trying to work with you and that always seems to make you a team (a good thing!) So, keep that up and just (as they all say) "act as if".
I'm going dark for awhile as I really have hit the wall. I just can't seem to want to play "nice" right now so will just take my "ball" home and not play. I think of all we had and what little crumbs he's tossing out now and I just don't want them. I would rather have nothing than that. So, I'm taking a week off to regroup (and totally letting go of the rope) then decide if I even want to try anymore. I might like "going dark" and just stay that way.
Hope things are going better for you. You sound much more upbeat than you did and that's always good.
, he can do the final preparations for his parents visit tomorrow. I don't feel guilty - I spent the week cleaning while he was in Utah.
)! What a good way to start out your day.
) and if he reaches out to connect with you in "that way" he will go totally under. 