Thanks for the support and input. I have been off the board a few days, and have been way up and now down in that time. Laura, thanks for your input - I need to get that book. I can only dream that my LD H would become even just a little more HD. I too have learned a lot about my H that I didn't realize before, but one of those things may be that he just doesn't desire me at all, but he likes me as a friend. I'm beginning to think that's all we'll ever have in the future.
I really need some help in figuring out what’s going on. I’m really discouraged and confused right now. Although I was prepared with zero expectations, I still had hopes in the back of my mind.
Brief recap if you don’t want to go thru thread – Bomb dropped in Dec, and in-house separation ever since. H had our rental apt to go to since Jan (asked tenant to leave) but never left and is letting friend use it this summer. I’ve been dbing my a$$ off, as they say, and things have been up and down but progressing upward. We are best friends again, and do almost everything a normal married couple do together except no physical intimacy. He seems fairly upbeat and comfortable. No R talks but also no more talking about leaving or the apt since March. I really thought we were getting close to some kind of real sign he was going to commit to our R again.
I just picked him up at airport Sat eve from week-long bike trip in Utah. He seemed really happy to see me, kissed me hello. At home he gave me a T-shirt as a gift and kissed me again (didn’t have to) – gifts are his LL. He’s been very sweet and nice since he got back.
His parents, who don’t know any of this, are coming to visit on Wed. He is in the room they usually stay in. I thought for sure he would move back in our room during their visit, but I was so wrong. Sat morning on the way to get bagels, he casually says he’s going to have them stay in the small front bedroom - doesn’t want to move all of his stuff. Since I was prepared for anything, I just said it only has double bed (they are into their creature comforts), and he says that they can handle it. So then I asked if he was going to sleep in that room while they here and he answered, VERY EMPHATICALLY, yes.
I was pretty quiet after that, still pleasant but I’m sure he could tell I was somewhat disturbed. I kept quiet on the way home so maybe he would talk, and sure enough, he asks me do I think he should give his parents the room he’s in, but he doesn’t want to move all that stuff. I just said it’s up to him, but that they’ll assume that’s where they’re staying. WTF? Does he really think the issue is I care which room his parents are in?
So, I’m thinking this is his PA way of having his parents find out what’s going on without having to actually tell them. Believe me, this is a guy who keeps everything unpleasant or inconvenient from his parents. They will arrive while we’re at work, so unless he tells them what room they are staying in, they will automatically go to the room they’ve been staying in for 13 years (with all his clothes strewn all over the place).
After we got back from bagels, I said I had errands and grocery shopping and left for the rest of the day. I was gone so long that H called on my cell to find out if we were going out to dinner. Yes, strangely enough we go out to eat all of the time on weekends and almost always have a nice time.
I haven’t brought it up again. We did go out to dinner last night and then after a discussion about our TV service, bought a new satellite receiver (probably so his parents would be able to watch), just as if he’s going to be around indefinitely. He usually is anxious to get back home in time to make it to his Sun AA meeting, but it almost seemed he was willing to miss it to please me by going out later than usual and then shopping for receiver. His general demeanor also seems sort of like he’s trying to please me and be extra nice to me.
I just don’t get it. He seems to be moving toward me, but with no intentions of ever moving back in our room. Having his parents find out is a pretty huge thing, sort of like an announcement. I think that his willingness to have them know rather than stay in our room for a couple of nights is frighteningly significant. I’m remembering back in late March-early April, when I also thought things were going so well, he was writing drafts of a letter to tell me he’s leaving and sorry that he’s given me the wrong impression by staying so long, a letter he never gave me.
I think I really am delusional to believe we’re actually working on our R. I think H is just happy that I’m taking it so well, and that we are friends. I think it’s just that he’s too lazy, comfortable, or passive-aggressive to leave, although he expended quite a bit of energy and money upgrading the apt for himself. I’m sticking to my vow not to ask him to leave, to make the decision all his own, but I think I’m wasting my time, and after 9 months in Sept he’s going to move out anyway. Sometimes I think he would be surprised that I ever thought he’s changed his mind. I still look upon this time as an opportunity to db, but all the progress seems on the surface. He’s been relatively nice ever since the bomb, so has anything really changed at all? It’s not as if he ever says anything to indicate what he’s thinking.
I feel as if I’m being a whiner – there are so, so many positives in my situation. But it certainly seems as if we’re both pretending – I know why I’m doing it but why is he doing it?
