Back from my bout of negativity and feeling much better about things. Atmosphere at home has improved as abruptly and mysteriously as it went downhill a few weeks ago. OK, I’m not detached.
H should be in a good mood – he’s on his second vacation in less than a month, bicycling across Utah. Anyway, things were very congenial before he left. The night before, we went out to eat and I gave him a new bike shirt – one of a collection of wild shirts that he’s into – and he really liked it and was surprised (gifts are his LL). Even said thank you “dear”, easily a slip of the tongue but I’ll take it. So, had to get up very early Sat morning to take him to airport. He drove and I only made one comment on driving (he was making me very nervous speeding to make up time). Anyway, he spent a good part of the time talking about how cool my Mini is (and it is very cool!) and how fun to drive. Very upbeat and friendly the whole way. Even said he was sorry I had to stay in the rainy weather while he was going somewhere sunny.
However, it’s clear that my boy is still in replay – still talking about possible sports car, possible third bike (titanium this time), etc. But I think because I don’t argue with any of these ideas, he seems to not feel so strongly about them. In fact I often agree that it sounds fun. This is my strategy to try and ride the MLC coaster with him whenever possible. So far, it has brought us closer, but we have still not shared any activity for the last six months other than eating out and a few times shopping. We’re still in separate bedrooms. But as long as he’s not sharing his time with anyone else, I’m OK for now.
In fact, I may have had a very tiny hint of possible good news. As I’ve said before, in the six months since the bomb, my H has never provided even the tiniest hint of any future together by his words. No future references to “us”, or “we” type activity of any kind. However, the night before he left I was making a comment that I really needed to visit my parents, it’s been over 1-1/2 yrs and they’re pretty old. Hard to describe so that it makes sense, but his response was an OK, that sounded as if he would be going with me, and that he was agreeing that we should?? My mouth almost fell open.
Hey – just got a nice compliment from my boss. He said my husband must be a fool to want to leave me.
So H has been gone since Sat am, and he called Sat pm and Sun pm. I’m trying not to have expectations but it’s hard. I know sometimes he sounds great on the phone and then seems down when he gets home. I’m still waiting to hear what his sleeping arrangements will be when his parents visit next week (they don’t know about separation plans). I’m trying to be prepared but I’m afraid I will be very upset if he moves back into our room and moves out again after they leave.
I would like to make the most of my opportunity if he moves back in for at least a couple of days, but H has always been a LD spouse. He doesn’t have any trouble going without for long periods of time, a source of a lot of my frustration and anger in the past. I think initiating anything will backfire. So, other than trying to look as enticing as possible, any suggestions from any and all fellow db’ers?
In4Ride
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy, sometimes I let him sleep."
Here's to hoping that he comes to your bedroom and stays with you while the folks are there. I think this would be a good time to reconnect physically. However, I think I would go for affection without the sex. Maybe give him neck rubs, foot rubs, etc but don't but pressure on for sex and see if that gets him curious.
My guy is an Physical touch guy so I can fill his love tanks very rapidly with just neck rubs (and other things ). Although he was always HD the older he gets the less he is and I think this worries him. So, I go more for just affection unless he takes it farther (and I'm more than happy to cooperate!)
As for going somewhere other than out to eat. Why don't you see a movie while he's gone and then tell him you would like to see it again with him? My guy (the workaholic) never does anything unless I "drag" him there. Then he tells me over and over again that he had a good time. He would never do it on his own.
Wish my H's LL was physical touch - he's just the opposite except when we were first dating and newly married. Funny though, in all the years we've been married, he never minded holding my hand in public, until bomb. I haven't had the nerve to try since then. My IL's used to make fun of us and call us the 'lovebirds'. I often wished I could tell them how wrong they were, and how little was going on in private. So, I guess I'll take it very slow if he moves back in while they're here.
Here's the ultimate kick in the a$$ - the first day/night they are here, when I presume he'll be sleeping in our room, is our 14th Anniversary! I'm wondering if anyone is even going to remember this other than me. I can just see it now - we'll be sharing a bed for the first time in 6 mos, he'll probably be fearing I'm going to get the wrong idea and that I'll start something, and I'll lean over and say 'Happy Anniversary, Sweetie, Goodnight'. How pathetic.
Even though things were going really well before he left, it was probably vacation anticipation. But, he called again last night, that's 3 calls in 3 nights so we're batting 100%. I did make a little slip though while on the phone. We got talking about seeing more of the West, and I mentioned my friend in CO has invited us several times to their house in Breckinridge, and said maybe we could go sometime. I'm afraid I heard some real hesitation in his voice and some stumbling in his answer, along the lines of a 'yeah, we could' sort of automatic response. Could have kicked myself, and now I'm just hoping he's forgotten I said it.
When the IL's arrive next week, I might as well just close my eyes and ears because for sure none of his behavior while they are here will be any indication of reality. He puts on an incredible show in front of them - I realize now that's what he was taught to do by them since childhood. At least after last Thanksgiving's performance (just days before the bomb) I know not to get my hopes up about his behavior while they're here. You should have seen the cheerful husband performance then, holding my coat at the restaurant, helping around the house - I thought it was the sign of a great turn in our relationship. What a sap I was. This time I'm just going with the flow and not believing anything I see.
Well, this might just work to your advantage. If he puts on a great show in front of them. Tell him how nice it felt when he held your hand or put his arm around you. After all if he initiates something ... I don't think it can be considered pursuing if you tell him how much you enjoyed what he was doing. I wouldn't ask or push just "reward" his behavior.
I read a thread that commented that our emotions (the roller coaster) felt just like "high school feelings" - meaning everything was "life and death". That comment really stuck with me. They are acting like they are high school kids and we end up responding emotionally like we did when we were that young. Crazy isn't it !
Left work early yesterday to see the President Reagan's funeral procession up Consitution Ave to the Capitol. Was at at great spot on the steps of the National Archives so was able to see over peoples' heads. Other times at Inauguration parades, people would always end up in front of me so I couldn't see. It was an impressive and moving sight, although sometimes I had a strange feeling that the tourists didn't really get that it was a funeral not a parade show.
Anyway, went to grab a drink and food with co-worker after, and ended up not leaving town until after 10:00 pm. H tried to call me from Utah bike trip right during procession (had cell phone on vibrate) so only heard message. Later at restaurant at about 9:30, H calls again and we have a nice chat. Of course I was happy to have him call while I was out with male (gay) co-worker having a good time. Anyway, during convo, without thinking, I said "we miss you" meaning the dogs and I and he said "I miss you too". Doesn't sound like much and maybe it was just an automatic response but it sounded as if he really meant it.
So I'm thinking we've made a lot of progress in the last 6 months from him asking our tenant to move out so he can move into the apt, and fixing up apt so he can leave because 'it's just something he HAS to do', to today. He's been gone since Sat morn and he's called every night since then, and now has said he misses me.
I'm still trying to keep my expectations low, but I'm feeling optimistic today.
Ha! found you! Isn't it amazing how one little comment can get your PMA up. It just makes you feel like all this effort you are putting forth isn't going for nothing.
Great job making him "hunt you down" and not just be there when he called the first time. I bet he kept thinking "where is she".
I'm out the door to meet my H (postponed from the Wed meeting that never happened). Guess what - he's running late ... how NOT unusual. I need to post and get feedback about workaholics that are always running late. I wonder if that's part of the P/A "thingy".
Hope you have a great weekend and H worries about who you were out having a good time with.
BF
We had people spend up to 10 hours (Southern CA) so they could view President Reagan. It was an unbelievable outpouring of caring people.
My husband too has never "left home". Dropped bomb back in Feb. Was supposed to leave after S8 finished school (May). DB'd my butt off, and he is still here!
All I wanted to add, was that you may want to explore why your H is LD. I USED to think mine was--he really isn't! And he kept it a well hidden secret for 8 years! By LD, I'm talking once a month at most.
During "the bomb" I found out more about this stuff than I ever thought possible to learn. He was detached from me and the R, and shared a lot of inner feelings that I guess he was too scared to open up about before. He did have plans to move in May, so I guess he figured "why not tell her, he's leaving anyway", that sort of thing.
I also got Dr. Laura's new book, Care and Feeding of Husbands. This is an AWESOME book, and on many levels I saw what my role was in the emasculation of my H. Nagging, criticizing, demanding, not initiating,etc, will make your H conflicted about sex. And I was SO guilty of all the above!
Our love life has zoomed to an unprecendented level since exploring this. I learned a lot over in the LD/HD section of this board, too.
So if you feel you have a "window" of opportunity, ask H some questions. Go for it when you feel he is detached. Do NOT take what he tells you personally--I did hear that my H looks at porn a lot on the internet, and he fantasizes about me and another woman, that sort of thing.
Actually, I asked him to show me some of that stuff on the internet, and we had a LOT of fun!! Don't want to get too X rated, but it really has been kind of a turn on.lol.
I am thinking also that the other posters are right about when your H acts "normal" with the ILs. Lucky!! You get to "appreciate" the heck out of it later. Don't worry about it being for show--my H will sometimes do things like that and I just act as if all is normal too--and you know--someday it just WILL be all normal again.
I have used this terrible time to find out more about my H than I ever thought possible. If he can leave me and find an OW that is more interested in him, and knows him better, well, it will be meant to be. But I know I have the upper hand--my H doesn't want to explain things too many times.lol. And it took him 8 years to open up this much to me? And some other new person is going to get all that off the bat?? I don't think so...
You are on the right track of being his best friend. Now explore your new "friendship" a little!
Thanks for the support and input. I have been off the board a few days, and have been way up and now down in that time. Laura, thanks for your input - I need to get that book. I can only dream that my LD H would become even just a little more HD. I too have learned a lot about my H that I didn't realize before, but one of those things may be that he just doesn't desire me at all, but he likes me as a friend. I'm beginning to think that's all we'll ever have in the future.
I really need some help in figuring out what’s going on. I’m really discouraged and confused right now. Although I was prepared with zero expectations, I still had hopes in the back of my mind.
Brief recap if you don’t want to go thru thread – Bomb dropped in Dec, and in-house separation ever since. H had our rental apt to go to since Jan (asked tenant to leave) but never left and is letting friend use it this summer. I’ve been dbing my a$$ off, as they say, and things have been up and down but progressing upward. We are best friends again, and do almost everything a normal married couple do together except no physical intimacy. He seems fairly upbeat and comfortable. No R talks but also no more talking about leaving or the apt since March. I really thought we were getting close to some kind of real sign he was going to commit to our R again.
I just picked him up at airport Sat eve from week-long bike trip in Utah. He seemed really happy to see me, kissed me hello. At home he gave me a T-shirt as a gift and kissed me again (didn’t have to) – gifts are his LL. He’s been very sweet and nice since he got back.
His parents, who don’t know any of this, are coming to visit on Wed. He is in the room they usually stay in. I thought for sure he would move back in our room during their visit, but I was so wrong. Sat morning on the way to get bagels, he casually says he’s going to have them stay in the small front bedroom - doesn’t want to move all of his stuff. Since I was prepared for anything, I just said it only has double bed (they are into their creature comforts), and he says that they can handle it. So then I asked if he was going to sleep in that room while they here and he answered, VERY EMPHATICALLY, yes.
I was pretty quiet after that, still pleasant but I’m sure he could tell I was somewhat disturbed. I kept quiet on the way home so maybe he would talk, and sure enough, he asks me do I think he should give his parents the room he’s in, but he doesn’t want to move all that stuff. I just said it’s up to him, but that they’ll assume that’s where they’re staying. WTF? Does he really think the issue is I care which room his parents are in?
So, I’m thinking this is his PA way of having his parents find out what’s going on without having to actually tell them. Believe me, this is a guy who keeps everything unpleasant or inconvenient from his parents. They will arrive while we’re at work, so unless he tells them what room they are staying in, they will automatically go to the room they’ve been staying in for 13 years (with all his clothes strewn all over the place).
After we got back from bagels, I said I had errands and grocery shopping and left for the rest of the day. I was gone so long that H called on my cell to find out if we were going out to dinner. Yes, strangely enough we go out to eat all of the time on weekends and almost always have a nice time.
I haven’t brought it up again. We did go out to dinner last night and then after a discussion about our TV service, bought a new satellite receiver (probably so his parents would be able to watch), just as if he’s going to be around indefinitely. He usually is anxious to get back home in time to make it to his Sun AA meeting, but it almost seemed he was willing to miss it to please me by going out later than usual and then shopping for receiver. His general demeanor also seems sort of like he’s trying to please me and be extra nice to me.
I just don’t get it. He seems to be moving toward me, but with no intentions of ever moving back in our room. Having his parents find out is a pretty huge thing, sort of like an announcement. I think that his willingness to have them know rather than stay in our room for a couple of nights is frighteningly significant. I’m remembering back in late March-early April, when I also thought things were going so well, he was writing drafts of a letter to tell me he’s leaving and sorry that he’s given me the wrong impression by staying so long, a letter he never gave me.
I think I really am delusional to believe we’re actually working on our R. I think H is just happy that I’m taking it so well, and that we are friends. I think it’s just that he’s too lazy, comfortable, or passive-aggressive to leave, although he expended quite a bit of energy and money upgrading the apt for himself. I’m sticking to my vow not to ask him to leave, to make the decision all his own, but I think I’m wasting my time, and after 9 months in Sept he’s going to move out anyway. Sometimes I think he would be surprised that I ever thought he’s changed his mind. I still look upon this time as an opportunity to db, but all the progress seems on the surface. He’s been relatively nice ever since the bomb, so has anything really changed at all? It’s not as if he ever says anything to indicate what he’s thinking.
I feel as if I’m being a whiner – there are so, so many positives in my situation. But it certainly seems as if we’re both pretending – I know why I’m doing it but why is he doing it?
Quote: I think I really am delusional to believe we’re actually working on our R. I think H is just happy that I’m taking it so well, and that we are friends.
Those are my sentiments exactly in my own sitch!
The truth is that you don't know, but then there is a good chance that H doesn't know either. H is still there when he had a golden opportunity to leave, you seem to get along well together, you do things together and seem like friends. It is hard to imagine that someone PLANNING on leaving would be at ease with doing those things if he knew for certain he was going to hurt you by leaving.
IMHO H doesn't know which way he is going, so time is on your side. Just keep on doing the things that have brought him closer....
Just went thru your last thread - having a hard time keeping everyone straight.
What is with these guys? I keep telling myself that my H must process things completely differently from how I think. I wouldn't be as nice as he is if I wanted someone to realize that I don't want them. It's gone beyond what guilt would produce also. So what's with the separate bedrooms still? What boneheads they are.
Your H sounds as if he's trying to improve things. My H also started picking up the rope around the house. He even caulked the front door yesterday. I think our H's are both trying to "step up to the plate" but what it means in their minds is anyone's guess. It may be that my H saw how much cleaning I had done in preparation for his parents visit and felt he should do something. It's very weird, a few months after the bomb, all of a sudden he started doing things like having the deck power-washed and sealed, getting termite treatment, and other kinds of house stuff. But that may just be because I at one time listed "maintaining the house" as something we would both be responsible for while we were separated (as I anticipated at the time).
I guess I'll go home tonight and get that other bedroom ready for whomever is going to use it, and then I'm dropping the rope. Tomorrow I have to go to a client's picnic so will be home late - whatever's not done by then is on him, as the ILs will arrive Wed am.
Interesting. H just called to tell me he's going to move his stuff so parents can stay in that bedroom. But I think it only means he's moving into the other one, not mine.
). Although he was always HD the older he gets the less he is and I think this worries him. So, I go more for just affection unless he takes it farther (and I'm more than happy to cooperate!) 
!