Thanks Bestfriends, I find that to be true also - it's a delicate balance with time together vs. time apart. I find interaction with H goes much better if I make sure I go a little dark after we've spent more time together. I try to plan an activity off on my own as if I have some higher priority than being with him at that time.
I have learned a lot from the 5LL book. I now realize that a lot of my anger and resentment was because my LL is quality time, and his is absolutely not, never was even in the beginning. It was quite a revelation for me that it was the real source of so much of my anger. In fact I think my H and I have completely opposite LLs. Physical touch is also one of mine and definitely not his. I think that I've finally determined his are words of affirmation and gifts, things that are generally unimportant to me so I was very deficient in these areas. H feels incredibly obligated to send a birthday gift to his 80-something well-off parents even if it's two weeks late and something they don't need. In my family, a birthday call is sufficient, with the attitude that we're all too old to be expecting gifts of things we can all afford to buy for ourselves anyway. My family was also completely unable to give praise or compliments, so they never seem sincere to me when I get them. I think the lack of praise from his family has had the opposite affect and he really is starved for it. Now that I see our differences in these areas, it seems inevitable that we would have problems. In fact I remember even in our first year of marriage being hurt that he didn't want to spend more time with me and not have so many "family" vacations. His attitude has always been "we're alone together all the time"(we don't have kids). I could never quite get the quality time point across.
Sorry got off the topic - his Stepford family is a whole other story. My point was that my desire for quality time has to be scaled to his view that the quality of the activity itself is more important than the time together. What I mean is that he sees the point in doing a fun or social activity together but I don't think he thinks its important to do just anything together.
Rottzilla and Nevanna - I think my H's MLC is also not as severe as some, although when your H wants to leave you it feels pretty severe. So far there is no OW and he hasn't done anything truly awful or mean. However, I think he believes there may be an OW out there for him. I'm really afraid he's completely susceptible and it's just a matter of time. Anyone know of any way to ward off an OW before it happens?? During the few talks we had after the bomb, I asked that we not involve any other people (as in dating) so that no matter what happened we could feel we handled it with integrity. At the time he completely agreed and said he wasn't even looking for anything like that. But my recent snooping relapse tells me he has now progressed to actually wanting to "date". He's in the replay stage so who knows if maybe the worst is yet to come.
Oops, sorry for that pessimism. And guess what - just to show how wrong it is to be negative, my H just called again from his bike trip while I was typing. That's the second time today and the third since he left Wed morning. Just proves how much more he likes to interact with me when he's had the chance to pursue other activities.
Off tomorrow to have lunch with my SIL who's also on the MLC ride with H's oldest brother. We never really talked much before all of this happened and now we're able to validate each other regarding some of the weird things in H's family.
In fact, just to give you a laugh for the evening, H's family always has to take group pictures at all family gatherings, reunions, etc. and each time there comes the pictures when they announce "OK, now just the (FamilyName)'s, and all the spouses have to get out of the picture - WTF!? The grandchildren all stay in the picture because of course they are all real (FamilyName)'s. Is that bizarre or what? I can't imagine in a million years my parents asking my H or my brother's wife to get out of a picture as if they are not real members of the family.
