This is my first post – been lurking for months. Thought I was in piecing but maybe not. Should I be in piecing, newcomers, or midlife crisis? Warning – this is very long.
Me – 47 H – 52 Married 14 yrs in June No kids
The bomb dropped on Dec 7, appropriately enough. Got the same old “I love you but not like a wife”, “life is too short”, yada, yada. He moved into other bedroom and I spent the first two nights crying and wailing, but never cried in front of him again after that even though I did cry every day for the next two months. I often wonder what the people on the highway thought seeing this crazy women crying in her car all the way home every day. But then I always “acted as if” I was OK when I walked through the door at home.
Trying to be brief and not succeeding– I immediately made myself scarce and kept to myself and gave him plenty of space. I did initiate some R talks in the beginning because I was trying to understand what was happening and he was pretty good about it and was never mean or nasty. (Neither of us has said anything yet that we have cause to regret.) Got the classic lines to indicate a MLC – maybe he never loved me, didn’t know if the marriage was ever good, and so on. Even found a note that said one of the ways he had “harmed” me was “agreeing to the marriage”, a big revision of history since he pursued me big time not the other way around.
Soon after I got on Internet and found books (DR/DB) and forums and learned about MLC, and as usual, could see the stages after the fact. Our situation is also complicated by his alcoholism although it’s not the main issue. He had been sober for more than 9 years when we married, but he started drinking again about 5 years ago. He has now been sober again and heavily back into AA for more than 2 years. He said he straightened up again because he realized he could lose me and our marriage, but I wonder if this was the start of his MLC, or whether it delayed it, because our problems seemed to develop soon after he started his recovery. He became more distant. I thought I was giving him space for his recovery, thinking that his self-absorption was necessary for his recovery, but as I was being so noble, I realize now my anger/resentment was probably pretty clear. I was also resentful because he is LD spouse.
I’m 99% sure there is no OW, yet (although I know he wants the chance – more later), but we’ve been through the new interest in appearance, new clothes, concern re diet/exercise, an obsession with bicycling (two new bicycles totaling $4,100), possible cosmetic surgery, looking at buying sports car, and lots more spending on his new hobby. I am thankful that his focus is on the bicycling and not an OW. I figure it’s generally a solitary activity and it uses up a lot of energy (I think he’s too tired for an OW). He goes for bike rides now every Sat & Sun morning, and is currently on 3-day bike trip with 3 other guys.
Back to story. A week or so after bomb, I left him a note saying the situation wasn’t working for me, that I didn’t want him to leave but since that was what HE wanted I thought he should go ahead and leave now. Didn’t know then what I know now. He said he understood and that he would leave - he had separated friend’s house to go to even though he whined that it would be too much like college roomates (did he think this was supposed to be comfortable?). Anyway, he didn’t leave – no explanation.
Couple of weeks after that, he said he asked tenant to leave our rental apartment so he could live there, but tenant wouldn’t be leaving until mid Jan. So Dec-Jan we’re in a holding pattern and I’m trying not to show how miserable I am. I make the decision to totally ignore Xmas so that future ones won’t be associated with this, and I start really examining myself. Strangely enough for someone who usually has a problem with anger and resentment, I find myself not angry and not resentful anymore. We start to eat most meals together, go out to breakfast, etc. He has never acted as if he can’t stand to be with me. He invites me to go to Xmas dinner at his sponsor’s and introduces me as if he’s proud to be with me and even looks at me across the room and smiles as if we’re a loving couple?? That morning at breakfast he blurted out that things seem so much better that he’s not sure he should leave (looked as if he wished he hadn’t said it),and even makes a comment that at least I haven’t lost my sense of humor when I make a joke. Throughout Jan-Feb, he is in classic MLC confusion – if I didn’t know better, I would have thought he had a brain tumor or something. Total memory lapses, weird behavior, not sleeping, clearly conflicted, but he’s still fairly pleasant, much less anger.
He even takes me with him to look at sofabeds during this bizarre time (who’s crazier him or me?). I figure I’d rather know what’s going on than be wondering and ASSuming (big problem for me). During one of these sofabed shopping trips, he has a little breakdown when he sees the salesman keeps looking at me for my opinion and I say it’s not up to me. He starts talking about how selfish it was of him, how he doesn’t know if he’s making a mistake, maybe he’ll be miserable, but it’s just something he has to do. This is a recurring theme from the beginning – “it’s just something I have to do, I’m not saying it’s permanent.” Anyway, I give an Oscar-worthy performance, patting his knee and telling him I understand. I tell him it’s not as if I never felt like leaving too. He seems to be speechless after that.
Sorry this is so long – fast forwarding. After tenant leaves Jan 12, I ask when he will be leaving and he says he has no timetable. He spends that next 2-3 months buying sofabed, making improvements at apt, new bath vanity, toilet, refrigerator, carpet, etc. No R talks, no hint what he’s thinking or when he’s leaving. He’s doing more things around the house than he has in a long while. I keep dbing my ass off, develop goals, no questions, always acting as if I’m pretty happy, scheduling my own activities, etc. We start going out to dinner each Sat & Sun afternoon and the interaction seems really good. We’re still in separate bedrooms. He does a weird stay at the apt in mid-March, says its closer to the out of town job he has that week (it’s only 20 min from our house), but calls me as soon as he gets there the first night, comes home for dinner the second night, and comes home for good the third night??!!
So, I give him even more space, always going to bed first, sometimes spending evening in my room, going off by myself on Sat-Sun, asking nothing of him but making an effort to be interested in his activities, talking much less, being quieter, complimenting him, always being positive (180’s). I validate his interest in surgery but say I think he’s a very handsome man already (he seems to lose interest in idea after that).
Divine Providence comes in the form of a old friend/apartment neighbor who calls at Easter looking for apt for the summer. This is just one day after the new carpet is installed, leaving nothing left that I can think of for him to change at the apt. Just when I’m thinking he can’t leave it empty for another month – it’s been 3 mos by then. Bottom line, he tells me that evening he told friend he could use the apt.
I’m thinking this dbing really works, things are looking good, since then I’ve seen quite a few more baby steps, more interest in my activities, more consideration, generally more connection. I was thinking I’ve been piecing since about mid-March.
Then last night I destroy my own piece of mind by snooping, something I’ve tried not to do. I find drafts of a letter he was trying to write sometime in late March, I think just a couple of weeks before he said friend could use the apt. He goes on about giving me the wrong impression, that he told me he was leaving 3 months before and that he’s sorry he delayed things, that it’s painful, he’s sorry, but it’s something he has to do or he’ll regret it (WTF? He single for 38 yrs!), he’s not saying it’s permanent. In one version he says he needs to leave for a minimum of 6 months, doesn’t expect me to wait. I find pro/con lists of staying/leaving house and living/not living at apt. He lists dating as a pro for apt and not dating as a con for the house. He lists being not free, emotionally dead. He lists comfortable, familiar, the dogs, garage for his bikes/motorcyle as the pros for the house.
I’m starting to feel as if everything has been for nothing. I’m trying to turn this into a positive by telling myself he felt this way but only a week or two later he told friend he could have the apt at least through August. I’m spinning it to believe that was almost two months ago and this is now. That most of the reconnection I felt, I think has been SINCE then. But I’m feeling that I’ve really been fooling myself all of this time.
I realize that my situation is not as terrible as many on this board. I am in awe of how some of you are able to be so strong in the face of infidelity and verbal abuse.
