Grief and Gratitude, Grok - day by day

[grok]

Am I missing something here grok? Does XW''s parents have a history of this? Even the way it's worded - there seems to be a lot of emotional weight here. It 'feels' like a very big deal...

 No, not … exactly. I’ll say up front they are good-hearted people.  So, any thoughts on them are in that context.  There is history with Grandma (I’ll leave the naming to keep people clear), though not so much directly with the children. 

Grandma doesn’t like to make decisions and often uses indirect guilt trips to push things her way.  When I met XW (in her late 20s), she was badly co-dependent on Grandma.  Even for daily/weekly decisions.  Though she was trying to break away and run her own life.  Grandma, apparently, had used XW (since her teen years)  as her emotional sponge and validation for complaints about Grandpa.  During this crisis, I learned that from XW’s perspective, Grandma had strayed from Grandpa in the early years and he hadn’t let her forget it since.  From XW's perspective, they have passive aggressive emotional sniping ongoing in the background.

The above troubled relational dynamics and associated coping mechanisms spill over. If I had to guess, I’d say Grandma isn't even aware of her own passive aggressive emotional manipulation.  She likely wouldn't be aware of how it would be perceived by D18.  For her part, D18 perceives this, and reacts with the tools, words, and capabilities of the 18-year-old young woman she is.   Sometimes very self-aware.  Sometimes falls apart.

...which leads me to this question? Are your children in therapy? Obviously D18 is an new adult.. but an adult nevertheless. Her emotions are valid... but how she is handling those emotions is very childlike. How do you plan on helping her transition handling those as an adult? How do you teach her to advocate for herself whilst validating her feelings?

No, not in therapy.  Though I agree, it is a good idea at some point.  To D18's credit, she normally recognizes her own reactions.  She usually asks for space to reset herself.  It's usually pretty rapid from emotional reactions to self-control.   I try - 

To stick to being unflappable whatever her emotions spill out.  A solid foundation in their lives.
To not take any of it personally.  It is from her internal reality.
To name it, "that is sad" or "that is angering."   Understanding and empathy.
To identify potential reactions or actions she could choose and on what basis she might pick them based on what she might consider important to herself.  So that she looks at what she considers important and chooses actions/reactions based on them.

We learn to live with them. Sometimes... there is no lesson. Having an unavailable parent is not easy to deal with. There is lots of reparenting yourself that has to be done.

I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker last week along those lines.  People were discussing plans for the holiday weekend and when my plans were... non-standard... I gave him the short explanation of my household status.  He identified... because his father left when he and sisters were young.  One sister reacted by never making him part of her life again.  He and the other sister were always excited to see him.  For he was unavailable ... but he was a bringer of fun things and treats.  AND he sees now, how his mom was left holding the bag... the one who sacrificed and made a home and life for him and sisters.  Unprompted, his story validated the advice given here.

I think you do a great job at allowing your children to have feelings around the issue.
I think you do a really good job pulling back to see a bigger picture (kids continuing a relationship with the grandparents).

AND I can see it there are still little things that sting. And that's okay.

NGL, a little praise feels good.  *laughs*  

I try to keep in mind complaints D20 and D18 made individually to me. "Dad, mom is still treating me like I'm 10 or 12 and telling me what to do and feel." Is this is connected to the MLC part of XW's crisis? Don't know. Don't need to know. I try to be a guide and safety net for these young adults.

In regards to the XW's parents - perhaps try to understand they are on a journey too. I'm sure it's not easy for them to watch XW's behavior and probably don't have the best tools to handle it. Are you really angry at them? Or are you just upset about the situation?

I'm not actually angry or upset at them.  Sometimes I am disappointed. Sometimes I am unsure.  Often unhappy that we have to navigate this at all.

From the beginning of this episode, my mental model for thinking on them was a question.  Twenty years from now, how would I react or deal with D20 or D18 making the choices XW has?

So...  maybe they too feel disappointed, unsure, often unhappy that we have to navigate this at all.  

Grandma and Grandpa stopped by to pick up the young ones the other day.  They were taking them and XW to a Medieval Times show and dinner.  The last one out the door, Grandma stops and turns briefly, "Oh, ... I wish you were coming too...  *short worried sigh*" and then hustled out to their car.  

Though no longer dragged by it all ... like others experienced, the holidays, the ex-in-laws, ... my chest tightens and eyes fill.  I sometimes feel like I'm on the outside looking in.  

g

Outside In - Circle of Dust

It's hard for me to face that so much time has passed
And all the things that went away were those I thought would last
It’s hard to look into the mirror dark within
And not embracing the reflection there  may be my greatest sin
...
Standing here with empty hands to fill my heart
And thinking I am winning in a race I didn't start
...
Sometimes I feel  I'm on the outside looking in
It's like I'm  watching someone else living in my skin
Hope has stained my heart in vain, I'm drowning in my sin
Sometimes I feel I'm on the outside looking in
 Outside looking in

[Outro]
Father,  have mercy on your son
And always  bring me home again however far I've run
Father,  grant wisdom for within
So  I no longer have to be on the outside looking in