Grief and Gratitude, Grok - day by day

[grok]

DnJ connected thoughts day. (LOL)

You may not get responses…but they do roll around in minds and hearts.

A change on the rise.

XW

 I believe your agreement is that XW could more or less come and go as she pleases.

Sort of.  Explicitly agreed to when they were S11, D16, and D18:

* XW may come over on weekdays while I am at work to homeschool children.
* XW may stay over while I am on business travel since there are minors in the home.

Tacitly accepted

* If XW comes over in the evenings "to say goodnight," I have not objected if she sometimes comes in the house and hangs out with them for a bit.  I think it is good for my children.
* When XW comes over with her parents during workdays because they are in town, I have not objected.  Spending time with the children is good for them all.
* Other one offs where she comes over for some reason....

Of note, XW never made a place for kids or parents to visit/hang out.  As far as I know, she has not picked up the type of work that would generate income to do so.  

Killing the past and coming back to life. I think it less a matter of actively killing, and more a matter of what one’s feeding.

I knew the moment had arrived
For killing the past and coming back to life

I read it a little bit differently...the great thing about verse... I see killing off the imagined futures that rested on the roots of the past.  Those manifold dreams that were to unfold ... but no longer will.  

THOSE branched futures are dead.  But for a while, the LBS won't internalize it.  They are killed off, ended, and it is time to recognize and accept what is.

for

What the LBS sees in time, after doing the work, is a new process that has been planted and generating underneath. 

While the seeds of life and the seeds of change were planted

A seed planted.  A new root.  A new branching manifold future unfolding.

Forever fractures and Jacob’s limp

There is a lot of collateral damages in these situations. Some fractures never really heal.

And what do we do with the presence of such fractures? What lessons do we move forward with?

. Can you imagine being Jacob? Can you imagine waling the rest of your life with a visible limp? Every step you take you are reminded of this encounter … How that must have shaped Jacob for a lifetime! That must have lead him to a place of surrender each time he took a step!
…
If we don’t have moments when we fully trust him and where there are no safety nets of plan B’s, then we will never fully learn to trust him with everything.
…
The emptying is rarely pleasant. … When our comforts, our idols, and our understandings are ripped from us … We understand those things, people., or ideas in which we placed out hope and security are, in fact, fleeting and completely incapable of providing an anchor for our souls amidst the storms of life.

What is standing?

Am I still standing? Not in the definition of trying to continue a marriage to XW. Though I leave open the possibility, she has not shown any of the qualities defined by Sandi2 as necessary for a R. More like… the seeds of change were planted and

Most of us consider waiting as something very passive, a hopeless state determined by events totally out of our hands.
….
But there is none of this passivity in Scripture. Those who are waiting are waiting very actively. They know that what they are waiting for is growing from the ground on which they are standing. … If we wait in the conviction that a seed has been planted and that something has already begun, it changes the way we wait. Active waiting implies being fully present to the moment with the conviction that something is happening where we are …

I feel sad

…when XW exhibits…(lightly paraphrased)

G, emailing life insurance, ”please assist XW in transferring billing for life insurance to her account”

as XW has not completed this settlement term in over a year. We had discussed this briefly before. I’ve been paying for the policy so it didn’t lapse. I told XW, though it is a term, it was required for the court to accept the settlement, but I do not require it of her. I am acquainted with the person I am emailing. It’s not a cold corporate email.

XW messaging, ”How many months do you want reimbursed? I’m not signing until I have to, which is soon.”
Pause
”Never mind. I will sign the paperwork tomorrow. It doesn’t really matter what they have done anyway. None of it matters. God is in control.”

I didn’t reply, thinking to reply after 24hrs … something like I don’t require any reimbursement

The next day in email I see…

Life insurance, ”G, We have sent multiple applications to XW with no success.
XW, we can stop billing G but if you do not get new you will not be in line with your decree.
what you want to do.”

XW, ”I cared about decree obligations; G told me “he was covered and didn’t need anything from me”.  I understand not wanting to pay every month on my obligation.  I don’t blame him for being testy about this. 

If a lump sum payment, I will sign it December 1st, that is what I can meet.  A lump sum was what I initially requested and it came back to me listing monthly payments.  I apologize deeply for digging my heels in.  I have had hackers steal my identity and wreak havoc, including with every aspect of my finances (my car, my RV, my children’s health and educational opportunities, my annual taxes, my internet, travel, and so very much more). It is hard to address this with people who are not friends and family”

Life insurance, ”I am truly sorry for everything you are going through. That would not be easy.
We will stop the auto draft from G’s acct. “

XW, ”I appreciate your patience… I will read it over and sign it to get this monkey off everyone’s backs.“

I don’t think I’ve ever been “testy.” XW has had a 25 year habit of mind reading. Hackers to blame for everything? I have no idea. I am doubtful. Given this trend started when she added $7,000 extra in one month to our joint credit card just before she departed. Those extra charges stopped the moment she gave the card back to me.

I am sad she is having such a hard time. Mind and Heart. I don’t wish it on her. She has the skills (multiple degrees) and wealth (half our net worth) not be in the predicament.

I’m not fixing it. I don’t feel an urge to.

Just sad this is where her choices lead to.

g

Change on the Rise - Avi Kaplan

What good's a man
Who's lost his soul
Can't take a stand
Mmm, when his flame's gone cold

Mmm, fend off the enemy
Sing out the jubilee
With all the fire we can breathe
…
Headed up, down the river
Oh, Lord, I feel the reveling
I feel a change on the rise